Secret

A/N: Chat are persuading me to post this. I don't think it's particularly good, it was written for closure purposes. Enjoy.

You want to know a secret?
(will I laugh?)
I wrote poems about you.

Yup, that’s what I said. Poems.
(Poems? You?)
Sappy, bad poems.

And that story you read,
(the freedom one?)
That was about you.

But you’re too big an idiot
(smarter than thou)
To notice that.

The poems? They’re cringe worthy,
(I’ll bet they are)
But I liked them once.

I liked you once, scratch that
(what?)
I loved you once.

Uh-huh. Head over heels.
(This is a joke.)
I had butterflies around you.

Absolutely crazy about you
(oh my god)
‘til I couldn’t see straight.

But you had her and me?
(You had me.)
I was alone.

(You want to know a secret?)
Will I laugh?
(I didn’t have her all the time.)

(And sometimes… just once or twice…)
Mm-hmm?
(I wished I had you instead.)

…
(…)
…

You know what?
(what?)
I’m glad you didn‘t.

A/N: yes, another sappy bad poem. Please remember while reviewing poetry is the bane of my existence

Hello, Roon here!

Okay, so I couldn’t actually find any spelling mistakes, in the bits where you’re saying “you want to know a secret” I’d put a do in front.

I was alone.

Why were you alone? Expand on this more.

This line confused me:

But you had her and me?

Was he cheating? I don’t really get it, but from the rest, he can’t be cheating… I’m so confused by this bit, the rest of the poem makes sense to me, though.

Okay, overall, I think that it’s good, a nice idea, with the two voices. Although it may be a little too like a conversation for my liking. Actually a little more like a song than a poem, as there is not an actual rhythm when you read it, which, if put to music, would change.

The only confusion with the poem was the whole, “I had you, I had her”, I didn’t really get it, in what sense of the word had?

I like the idea behind it, we’ve all been in this situation. I love the last bit, “I‘m glad you didn’t” it really shows that you’d moved on, that you were better than this, from what I see, he messed you around, and you know that now.

That’s what I see in this poem, but I may be wrong. Though poems are all about interpretation, so I suppose it’s okay if I’m wrong… I’m rambling. I think you should talk more about what happened between the two of you, to make it clearer for the reader.

Hope this helps!

~ Roon

Stella!! *jumps on and tacklesnuggleloves*

Since you already seem to have confidence issues with poetry I'll try to be nice ^^
Now!

Structure/Writing Technique:

I found this interesting. A poem with a two person narration. Most poems have a solo narrator or just one point of view. This is quite new for me so this earns some cool points for me. The only problem is that it's hard to separate it since its almost a conversation in poetry form. I think in this case you should either separate every line or put every lines close together without spaces.


Grammar:
I see no spelling mistakes or grammar/punctuation problems

Lines/Sense:
As Roon said, some lines don't make sense.

But you had her and me?

What does this mean? Was the second voice cheating on both the first voice and another person? Or instead of the "and" did you mean to put "or"?

Suggestions:

I suggest that:

Yup, that’s what I said. Poems.
(Poems? You?)
Sappy, bad poems.

I think it sounds better if you say "Bad, sappy poems."

I liked you once, scratch that
(what?)
I loved you once.

Scratch that, I liked you once sounds better.


There we go ^^
Hope it helps stella!
I really enjoyed it though!Don't feel bad!

Hey Stella.

I like the idea behind this, and the structure is very effective. The tone works really well, especially at the start of the poem. It also progresses nicely from beginning to end.

I think that;
"Uh-huh. Head over heels.
(This is a joke.)
I had butterflies around you.

Absolutely crazy about you
(oh my god)
‘til I couldn’t see straight."

are a little weaker than the rest of the poem. I like the responses from the object of affection, but I think I'd go for something more specific than "head over heels", "butterflies" and "couldn't see straight" as these are all cliche and they make the poem a little weaker.

Alternatively, you could be dismissive-I'm not sure if you were using "butterflies" etc. in a spiteful sort of can't-believe-I-felt-this-way-about-you way. I don't think you meant it like this though. If you did, I'd play it up more.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Stella! Eek! *tacklenomsnuggleglomps* This is so amazingly adorable and I was sitting in Math saying nothing but ‘awwwww’ through the whole poem. I actually wanted to go back in and comment on some reviews, rather then reviewing the actual poem, at least right away.

Kamas wrote:

Yup, that’s what I said. Poems.
(Poems? You?)
Sappy, bad poems.

I think it sounds better if you say "Bad, sappy poems."

Kama mentions moving the order of the words, but I think that the better choice would be just to change bad (which in my opinion is just a very poor word choice.) I’m not sure what your opinion is on the idea of language but a word like ‘crappy’ might actually be a better alternative than ‘bad.’

Kamas wrote:

I liked you once, scratch that
(what?)
I loved you once.

Scratch that, I liked you once sounds better.

I just wouldn’t change this. It may sound better, but it’s out of order then because your first narrator would be saying ‘scratch that’ before they’ve even said the thing that they mean to scratch.

All that hullabaloo aside, I really didn’t find any other problems with this poem but I do absolutely adore the two person narration and I’m totally glad chat made you do it.

~lilymoore

I really liked this! Usually poems about love actually do sound sappy, but the way you wrote this one really caught my attention. It sort of flowed in it's own cute, unique way.