Tears and Blood

4 posts
Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 300
Reviews 0
Prologue
Fly. Ill see you soon.
My notw glided from my palm, hovering for a second or two before dropping into the stream. Taking my coat of I placed it atop the fallen crisp leaves. I sat and waited....
My mind drifted. Why Sean? He wasnt ready to leave us. Today was his day, his day that only happened once a year. Why? Why god did you take him nine days before his birthday.
Another letter floated by, followed by another. My pack soon met me at my sitting place. We sat in a circle taking hands.
"Your deep green eyes" Fawn said and squeezed Andrews hand.
"The way you made me laugh" He said with a chuckle and tapped Hope's hand.
"Your courage and want for our pack" She whispered shaking Noahs hand.
"The way you were my father" My son chocked on a tear. He kissed my cheek.
"Your love and loyalty" I spoke trying to keep myself together for Noah. My husband is'nt dead. But to us he has to be.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1068
Reviews 582
Fly. I'll see you soon.

My notw glided from my palm, hovering for a second or two before dropping into the stream. Taking my coat of, I placed it atop the fallen crisp leaves. I sat and waited....

My mind drifted. Why Sean? He wasn't ready to leave us. Today was his day, his day that only happened once a year. Why? Why god did you take him nine days before his birthday.

Another letter floated by, followed by another. I don't get what you mean by this. Need to elaborate.My pack soon met me at my sitting place. We sat in a circle taking hands This would sound better as: and took hands.

"Your deep green eyes," Fawn said and squeezed Andrew's hand.

"The way you made me laugh," He hesaid with a chuckle and tapped Hope's hand.

"Your courage and want for our pack," She shewhispered, shaking Noahs hand.

"The way you were my father. This line doesn't really make sense. Reword" My son chocked on a tear. He kissed my cheek.

"Your love and loyalty." I spoke trying Would sound better as: I tried to keep myself togetherto keep myself together for Noah. My husband is'nt dead. But to us he has to be.


It's really short, so I can't judge the writing much, but your punctuation needs work. Also, try to get in mroe description here. I can't get a mental picture of the setting or the characters.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 11260
Reviews 113
Hey-oo! Um, I think this is written good, and it is interesting, but you only have a cuople more nitpicks KJ didn't point out.
He wasnt ready to leave us.
Forgot the ' in between n and t, so it should be "Wasn't"

Why god did you take him nine days before his birthday.
"god" is supposed to be capitalized, so it is, "God."

And those are it. Need anymore help feel free to message me. Keep writing! Good job. :)
Write on.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 19189
Reviews 110
Hi! This is interesting. I'm intruiged.

My son chocked on a tear.


'Chocked' should be 'choked'.

The other mistakes have already been pointed out,so that's about it!

Keep writing, I'd like to see where you'll take this! :mrgreen:
“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale.”

~Hans Christan Andersen



The most important service rendered by the press and the magazines is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust.
— Samuel Butler