Perceptions

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Perceptions

(inspired by the quote “i complained that i had no shoes until i saw a boy with no feet”)



Act I: The Heir

The tantrums of the landlord’s heir,

Were very common if not rare,

Storming out of the manor one day,

Set off down the crooked path, astray,

He was agitated over the very fact,

That his father had broken their only pact,

To give his son, his car of old,

Instead, he had, the heritage sold,

Thus, complaining over this unfair deed,

He noticed an old man and his weary steed,

The aged man had a calming stance,

Which made his spirit, like a rabbit, prance,

He wished that his agony would be caged,

And that their places would be forever exchanged…



Act II: The Soldier

The forgotten soldier and his steed sat abreast,

On an isolated road to his country’s west,

This is where the private had fled,

When his bravado, in the battle had bled,

All that was left was his loyal horse,

And a stinging life full of remorse,

He saw, braving the dark street, a boisterous young lad,

Which made the horseman even more sad,

The soldier wondered if he hadn’t fled that way,

Would he have made a colonel today?

His dreams shattered, taking its painful flight,

When this boy walked past and into the night,

He wished then that his agony would be caged,

And that their places would be forever exchanged…





Final Act: The Cripple

The narrow deserted street saw little life,

The passing crowd, traversed, like through butter, a hot knife,

On that desolate street, made a cripple, his home,

He sat reading, his ever moldy tome,

Contemplating over his blazing youth,

And the times, he, on his two legs stood,

Till the time of that treacherous day,

That had taken his money, wife and leg away,

Then came a pampered boy, who’s hungry eye,

On a soldier of late, did spy,

He sat there, watching this silent talk,

And cried because he could no longer ride or walk,

He wished that his agony would be caged,

And that his place would be forever changed…
The distance between love and hate [from a person]........depends not only upon fate......but on he who uses the opportune moment to make the difference....




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Hi! Kat's here *points at self* for a review! I decided to point out three main things, and not do the very detailed one, because in this case the first option would work better.
So!

I. Punctuation
You only missed one comma xD
And the times, he, on his two legs stood,

A comma after legs, would make it work better, because it's an extra information, therefor should be between commas. Just like in prose.

Now, there's one thing I'd like to suggest to you. They are called periods, and some around here would do wonders. Most commas here don't justify themselves, because this is like a nursery rhyme, even. Two sentences, the first one with a comma the second with a period. I don't know if I'm explaining this very well, but if you have any doubts feel free to PM me.

II. Flow/Rhythm
This had a stable rhythm, as I had mentioned, a nursery rhyme one. Sometimes, when the thing goes on for too long, it can get boring <-- just a heads-up ;)
There were some parts were the flow seemed a bit choppy, most when you added information to fill in the void of sylabelles and were rhymes seemed slightly forced.
Example A:
he passing crowd, traversed, like through butter, a hot knife,

Example B:
Which made his spirit, like a rabbit, prance,

Example C:
The tantrums of the landlord’s heir,
Were very common if not rare

Here, the last part of the the second line isn't needed, and it sounds as if it's only there to rhyme.

III. Overall
I liked this, it was like one of those poems with a moral. Inspiring, even. Just check the things I mentioned above, and this'll be great ;D

Hope I helped,
-Kat
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Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

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I love the words you used. Some that stood out to me especially were crooked, boisterous, prance, and treacherous. All of these are very specific: they give the reader a vivid picture of what is going on in your poem. I also like the way you've formatted it into three different acts, all connected but from different view points.

A couple things I noticed that could be changed were your frequent use of ellipses, or ...'s. These are very unsatisfying from a reader's perspective. Instead of ending with a clear picture, they make it seem as if it's incomplete, like there's more to come when there's really not. I think replacing them with periods would give your poem more definition, if that makes sense.

Also, the use of rhyme, at times, seems quite forced. I recommend counting syllables so that you can make sure you're not trying to squeeze too many words into one line. Often, simpler is better. The actual rhymes are great, but it's the rhythm that throws me off. Just some ideas for you. :)

Thanks for posting your poem! If you have any questions about anything I said here, please let me know. And, have a slightly belated welcome to YWS!
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