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The idea of this poem is very nice, and I would never think to portray the results of smoking in such a way. In spite of it's overall glorious review, I have a few suggestions.

I recommend you read your poetry aloud to yourself. Some of the lines have too many syllables, and you're struggling to not only have the words rhyme, but also to have them make sense. Thesauruses are excellent, and you must keep in mind that rhyme is not necessary, but when you deem it best to use it, you must keep a consistent rhyme scheme.

There are some words I would elaborate on. I know I'm sounding like a nasty old English teacher, but "good" is one of the most overused words in our language.

Some words I would change:

SakuraFallsSweetly♥ wrote:The first day was easy,
The time just flew by.
No hunger or pain,
But you didn't know why.

The second day was good,
You told a few lies.
You hid food in your room,
Then went to exercise.

The third day was harder,
Unsure of yourself.
You passed out twice,
Trying to hold onto a shelf.

You can't bring yourself to eat,
And you don't know why.
Some days you wish you could,
And even the guilt of that makes you cry.

"Awake" is not a verb. It should be replaced with "wake" or "wake up."
You feel no hunger,
This is no fluke.
You have another cigarette,
And begin to puke.

"Puke" can be a very slangy-sounding word. I see that you're trying to rhyme, but you could change the second line of the stanza and change "puke" to "vomit" or "regurgitate."

I like the way you capture the story in your words. Though i would not use so many ands. They break it up I think it would be betterif you just let the story flow. Besides that I think it is very well done. Well thats my opinion.

This was very good! i love your dramatize and your wording. I also love the message. Keep writing!

Okay, so, this was a good poem. Good. If good is what you're aiming for, congratulations, but I think you're trying to go beyond.
The gradual decrease in both strength and enthusiasm is steady and decent. However, I think you could probably go a little farther and although this is written in 2nd person, you could even write it to sound as though the writer, or narrator, is slowly losing themselves along with the character.

The rhyme scheme was good and consistent. It flowed nicely for the majority of the time.
This was...nice. It was a nice poem. In this case, you don't want to go for nice. This piece and this topic has the potential to be very strong and powerful and moving, even for those who have never experienced anorexia. You need to take it that extra step. You need to convey emotions so much stronger. You can really expand into what the person is feeling as they progress through this.
You have just the basics. And while that's fine, it doesn't pass into the readers' emotions.

As I said earlier, you can almost tie the narrator, or the style of writing, to the person experiencing anorexia in the poem. You can sort of slow the movement of the flow with either ellipses or extra words or spaces. You can also steadily get choppier with the wording to show the character slowly losing hope and, ultimately, themselves.

This has potential to be great and incredibly moving. Keep working at it!
PM me if you have any questions.

-Jocelyn.

I agree with Abilgail_W when she says that you have some words that you may want to change such as "good" and "easy." I applaud you, however, for trying out a rhyming poem because i have never been much good at them.

Oftentimes when we are trying to rhyme, we use very dull, simple words. You got the point across well, I would just work on adding in emotion filled lines and phrases using color adjectives. If you really like writing rhyming poetry, i would suggest using a rhyming dictionary to help you with word choice.

Hey there!

I'm not so sure of this poem. I didn't really like it, because it portrays a difficult time for this character, where the character is struggling both emotionally and physically. The way the pain is voiced here sounds like a giant pull for sympathy from the audience, and that's not the effect that poetry should have.

Don't tell us this story, show it to us in your words. What's the difference between a story and a poem if they're written the same way save for line breaks and rhyme, dear? There's none, really, but there's a difference.

Poetry is supposed to be poetic. This means, play around with the words, use them, work them into a masterpiece. Let the words speak without you having to say "I did this, this was, it was, this, that, then," -- let the words tell the story.

Using "You" here isn't terribly effective, dear. It's okay, but, generally "you" would be taken as a direct audience, which would be your readers. While it is good to create an image that your readers can vividly imagine, "you" puts too much force on us.

Give us the feelings. How does it feel to have nothing in your stomach. How does it feel to be dizzy-- won't the world slowly start to tip and become fuzzy? Tell us this! Don't tell us that we're becoming dizzy, show us, put us in the dizziness.

With some work, this could be good. Also! I think that 4 days is a bit of a skinny timespan for all of this to happen, dear. A human can go a little longer without food and not feel so horrible right away...

Keep writing!

June

SakuraFallsSweetly♥ wrote:The first day was easy,
The time just flew by.
No hunger or pain,
But you didn't know why.

The second day was good,
You told a few lies.
You hid food in your room,
Then went to exercise.

The third day was harder,
Unsure of yourself.
You passed out twice,
Trying to hold onto a shelf.

You can't bring yourself to eat,
And you don't know why.
Some days you wish you could,
And even the guilt of that makes you cry.

On the fourth day,
You can hardly awake.
Your body tries to go on,
But you just tremble and shake.

The fourth day goes on,
You're feeling very weak.
You want to talk to people,
But it's too tiring to speak.

Your parent don't believe you,
They think it's all a lie.
You've denied them the truth,
And now you might die.

You feel no hunger,
This is no fluke.
You have another cigarette,
And begin to puke.

The acid is hard,
Stripping your throat.
You're only 83 pounds.
The scale is your suicide note.

You feel dizzy and confused,
Your body aching in pain.
You know you should eat,
And still you refrain.

Your parents know now,
But they'd never tell.
Your little brother watches,
His big sister go through hell.

You know you need help,
But you worry about your weight.
You dont think it's bad enough
But when it is it'll be too late.

The fourth day of fasting,
No liquids since the third.
Because you fear water weight now,
You're convinced hope is lost and you'll never be cured.

Yes, I did quote the whole thing.. But I am ALOUD to, it being MY poem..
I'm so sick of going to all these websites and taking back my work.
If you dont remove this immediately I'm going to my publisher so he can get into your account and find out your address through you e-mail. Because I WILL be suing you.
Get this off of here NOW
I'm not playing around anymore, I'm sick of you little girls running around posting my poem as your own. You'll have a hard time doing any sort of writing while you're living in a juvenile facility.. Even if you dont get put in there, you'll have a hard time doing anything, because you're 13, and wont be aloud to go to any of your year end exams let alone go to a post secondary. Good luck with your grades if you defy me.
I almost want you to, I'd love to phone your parents and tell them their daughter is a criminal.. Or do they already know?
I hope you liked the attention you got trying to pretend this was yours.. Because it'll cost you a lot.
Maybe your next poem will be about how you f***** up your life through copyrighting at 13 and getting caught.

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