Bitten (Chapter Two)

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 203
**I'm introducing a new character to this chapter tell me what you think**

Chapter two

The ice pack felt cool against my head. A fresh headache started behind my left eye. It had been difficult to explain to humans how I survived a seventy foot fall by only escaping with a bruised forehead. I sat in Killian's living room, not regretting anything but that bloody fall. I'd hit my head on a Taxi's review mirror and the mirror had more damage to it than I did.
"Why don't you just marry him? Get it over with." Killian was one of the tallest humans I've ever seen, but that was the problem... Killian wasn't human. Not really he was an Antilegendan. An Antilegendan is a man born from demons but turned into a angel to walk Earth no longer did they have a place in Heaven or Hell and vice verse, they looked out for people or they killed them. Killian had dark blond waves that reached the top of his ears. His eyes and skin changed colors depending on mood. On the surface he was every women's' fantasy, he looked like some Greek God. Still, Killian wasn't perfect. He had emotional issues that he liked to take out on things that weren't breathing.
I glared at him, I wanted to point out my reasons but Killian was a guy and he just wouldn't get it even as much as I trusted him.
"I'm not going to marry Wesley because I don't know him that well but what I do know is his family's reputation which isn't good." I started. Wesley wanted what humans had except he wanted to kill every human he saw. His hatred for them confused me and made me angry. Wesley had proposed to me once when I was pledging and I'd turned him down because we'd never even met. Wesley had just proposed out of the blue.
"I'm not going to marry him, Killian." I repeated then added."I want something different then him." The ice pack had already started to turn to warm water, I got up and walked into Killian's damaged kitchen, like I said, Killian had emotional riots every now and then it all came with being a Antilegendan.
Killian's eyes turned from a beautiful emerald to jet black. Even after
two-hundred years I still wasn't use to it. "You want something different. Would that mean you want a human, Hell?"
This time it was my turn to looked offended. I went into the pantry and threw away the bag. I looked around. "You know you never have any food in here, but yet you have plates and a garbage" I planted my hands on my hips and looked at the bare shelves. I felt sorry for Killian, but I knew he didn't want anyone's pity or comfort. Anitlegendan's were all males, don't ask me why. They never ate, because if they did their body would release a chemical that attracted female humans.
"You didn't answer my question. Do you want a human?" His eyes were still that scary jet black.
I tried to keep a low profile on my emotions. The last thing I needed was to have my emotions running around controlling me.
"Killian, I'm not looking for love. I don't want to get married right now. And I sure as hell don't want to start hatching some leaches baby."
He cocked his head, maybe he was good at listening.
"What happens when Wesley comes back? You do know that he will have a bounty on you... At least his family will."
"Well then they'll know where to find me. Thanks for the help Kill." Before he could even utter a word I walked out the door. I damn well could go for a drink just about now.


Thanks for Reading
-Max!
We're meant to be one
I know we are...
If I am the Sky
Then you are my star... ™




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3890
Reviews 33
Ooh, so Wesley's the vamp. Should have guessed. Anyways onto the review!

You have typos, but I'm not a nitpicker so I won't point them out. Your redacting was a little sketchy, though. You could have explained things a little more smoothly. I'm just going to point the few things I noticed.

Killian was one of the tallest humans I've ever seen, but that was the problem... Killian wasn't human.

Here you said that he was human but he wasn't. It would be better if it where something like:
Killian would be one of the tallest humans I've ever seen, but that was the problem... Killian wasn't human.

a place in Heaven or Hell and vice verse, they looked out for people or they killed them

I think the vice versa is a little out of place.

His eyes and skin changed colors depending on mood

In the paragraph you did a little info-dumping. I just felt this could have been explained later on in the chapter as:
He was offended. I knew because his eyes turned from a beautiful emerald to jet black.

Wesley wanted what humans had except he wanted to kill every human he saw

This sentece striked me off a little odd. I didn't get it. What did he want that humans had? He's a vampire (right?) so mortality? And did wanting the unspecified thing that humans had made him not supposed to kill them? He sounds like he kills everybody on his path.

Wesley had proposed to me once when I was pledging and I'd turned him down because we'd never even met. Wesley had just proposed out of the blue.

To me it would flow better like:
Wesley had proposed to me once when I was pledging. I'd turned him down because we'd never even met. He just proposed out of the blue.

But this are just suggestions. The plot so far kept me interested. So did the Killian character. Overall I really liked it. PM me when you post the next one again.
When you want something, the whole universe conspires to make it happen.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1145
Reviews 37
Hey there! :smt003 read the chapter and loved it! :smt050 But the only problem I have with this chapter its that its too short. I wanted to read more! The only suggestion I'm going to give to you is that you should make your chapters longer. You have a great story, make it longer.

Well, thats all I have to say! :)
Till then :smt039
To Live A Creative Life We Must Lose Our Fear Of Being Wrong.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1390
Reviews 40
Max -

1) Antilegendan. Are those real mythical creatures? Or something you made up? If you thought them up, wow, you're good. How did you come up with a word like that? You must of been really creative.

2)
On the surface he was every women's' fantasy, he looked like some Greek God. Still, Killian wasn't perfect.

When I saw the words, Greek God, that made me happy. (I'm into Greek Mythology) So thanks for having that tiny bit of info. :D

3) I have to say I laughed when I saw the name Wesley. I haven't read the first chapter for awhile, so the name is kind of new for me. Let's just say my family is having this confusion on who the heck is Wesley. I guess the name popped up on day, and we still can't figure out who he is. :roll:

4) I know I didn't give a really helpful critique, mostly a review, but I felt this chapter was well written. Not too much of this and that, just the right balance. Anyway, please pm me when 3 goes up.

Ellen
Dr. Morgan: All the rest will know the news by tea time.

Miss Deborah Jenkyns: Or sooner, Dr. Morgan. This is Cranford.

- Cranford



Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author