the hills will be drowning

Comments are appreciated. ^_^
~


the hills will be drowning , the hills will be drowning

silence broke, shattering to pieces as
Panic’s voice screamed out over the land.
Rushing feet, running to escape, to hide
and cries of the fallen are left behind as they reply
“it’s every man for himself.”

The rain will come down and sweep away the plains

Terror filled head and soul, every thought;
washing over each mortal being as the
pandemic grew and rose stronger.
A cure oblivious to any as
fear gripped each mind and refused to let go

break down each tree and taking lives one by one.

Pale faces standing out against the fiery darkness.
Rain, whipping and slashing against their worn clothing;
merciless and greedy, the wanting need for loss blood.
They cry up to the sky, save me save me,
and the fallen ones reply,
“It’s every man for himself.”

The valleys will become full and overflow

Silence’s pieces put together again as
stillness falls softly as it blankets the sea:
mixed of blood and rain, it lies calm and
the sun peaks out over the dark clouds and into a new day.

and the hills will be drowning, the hills will be drowning.


~Linx

Hey Linnea xD I just feel like calling you "Linnea" for no apparent reason. Shina here fore a review

the hills will be drowning , the hills will be drowning

Is this by any chance some sort of prophecy?

silence broke, shattering *into pieces as

* I'd suggest changing "into" to just "to" because it flows better.

panic’s voice screamed out over the land.

If Panic is a person and it can have a voice, then it should be capitalized, yes?

Rushing feet, running to escape, to hide
and cries of the fallen are left behind as they reply
“it’s every man for himself.”

I don't feel like "rushing" is the right word to describe the feet movement here. I think it needs more of an adjective that implies a certain sound because "rushing" is more, water, flowing, stream.

Also, you're using capitalized now? If you do it in one place, you need to do it throughout the whole poem ^^

Terror filled head and soul, every thought;

It it fills one's head, then it fills their thoughts A bit redundant, but I think you could find a replacement easily.

A cure oblivious to any as [s]the[/s]
fear gripped each mind and refused to let go

"the fear" If you say "the fear" make it caps so: "the Fear" or "The Fear"

If that's not what you were aiming for, then just remove "the" so it runs smoothly.

break down each tree and taking lives one by one.

I'm not sure about what this part is trying to say? Are there people knocking down the trees? Also, trees are quite large, so I'm pretty sure they could take more than one life at a time.

Their pale faces standing out against the fiery darkness.
Rain, whipping and slashing against their worn clothing;

I think the poetic effect would be better if you removed "their" and kept the imagery directed at "pale faces" and such. For example:

"Pale faces standing out against the fiery darkness.
Rain, whipping and slashing against worn clothing."

And for thirds, darkness doesn't seem like something that can be "fiery", word change perhaps?

They cry up to the sky, save me save me,

"Save me save me" needs a comma in the middle and either italicize or put quotes around it.


[

i]The valleys will become full and overflow [/i]

Mmm, I think it should just be
"The valleys will overflow" because "full" is redundant if you say "overflow" later.

Silence’s pieces put together again as

If something is "put" together, there has to be some sort of force putting it together. So I'd suggest changing it to "come":
"Silence's pieces come together again as"
The image makes more sense this way, but it's really up to you xD It could just be my imagination @_@

stillness falls softly as it blankets the sea:
mixed of blood and rain, it lies calm and

the sun peaks out over the dark clouds and into a new day.

What exactly do "dark clouds" look like. A bit tell-y, so just add some of that good imagery you had earlier ^^

and the hills will be drowning, the hills will be drowning.

I think if you want to tie this in in the ending that you should mention why the hills will be drowning. Is it raining? Did it wash everything away?

Overall:

This reminded me of those old folk tales and legends and it had a good moral ^^ I love stories with morals. Just work on being more clear on that message and show more, and you should be good


-Shina

Hello, Catlin, m'love. This thread is unfortunately bare. But I have come, as requested!

the hills will be drowning , the hills will be drowning

Maybe this is just me, but I don't particularly fancy the repetition in this. Perhaps if it were a song or something, it could work. But personally, I'd remove the second one. I think it gives it more significance, being singular.

Rushing feet, running to escape, to hide
and cries of the fallen are left behind as they reply
“it’s every man for himself.”

I would put a period after "hide". Otherwise the sentence is kind of long an awkward. Even so, you may need to work with the first sentence still, if you do so, so it doesn't sound weird still. Also, who are they replying too? There was no question asked, therefore no need to reply. Maybe change the word?

pandemic grew and rose stronger.

'Rose stonger' sounds kind of weird. If I were you, I'd switch "grew" and "rose" around. "pandemic rose and grew stronger" sounds much better, no?

break down each tree and taking lives one by one.

This sounds odd, because the tenses are a little off. It should either be "break down each tree and take lives one by one", or "breaking down each tree and taking lives one by one". The latter would make more sense, because the first sounds like a command.

the wanting need for loss blood.

When I first read this, I found myself rereading it a couple of times, trying to make sense of it. I still don't fully get it. So the rain has a need to lose blood? Or does the rain want lost blood? But why? Please clarify.

They cry up to the sky, save me save me,
and the fallen ones reply,
“It’s every man for himself.”

It's kind of weird that the dialogue in one part doesn't have quotation marks, but a line down, it does. I'd suggest putting quotes around 'save me save me'. And put a comma in between the two of them.

Silence’s pieces put together again as
stillness falls softly as it blankets the sea:

I don't like the repetition of 'as' in this. I would change it to "Silence's pieces put together again as stillness falls softly, blanketing the sea." That sounds so much better read aloud.

Okay. Enough with the quoted stuff. After reading over the poem again, I decided I really liked it a lot. I love the whole end-of-the-world dystopia kind of feel to the poem. The imagery is sort of vague, which really works for this poem. Yet your point in the poem is very clear, and I love that. The theme of "Every man for himself" ties this poem together very well. Some of the description gets slightly repetitive and a little bit too much, especially around the middle, though. It starts out very nice, and you can feel the mood and tone of the poem very quickly, but then you kind of already explain what we already imagined in the beginning. Even still, I love the distress I feel when I read this poem.

The ending was my favourite out of everything, though. It's very symbolic, or at least in my mind. After all the wreckage, all the despair, life still goes on. And there's still hope for that new day.

So, I applaud you for your lovely poem, and I hope you get more reviews soon! It deserves it.

-Holly