A Letter of Rejection

A Letter of Rejection


Melodiously, you whisper
Those gentle lullabies;
Words of dulcet adoration
You have so astutely devised.

You offer me a rose
As you declare undying passion,
But words are words and nothing more
Unless they are put to action.

Roses, too, are ephemeral,
And so is love, and so are we –
Despite the fact that it is so,
Would you still be enchanted with me?

Please refrain from declaring
Those cursed words yet –
Ardor’s oath is a weightless feather,
And it isn’t too charming, I bet.

Become my thief in the night,
Enchant me with sweet hesitation;
But do otherwise, and be a bit too bold,
I will reward you with sweet indignation.


I am getting tired,
And you don’t ever seem to listen,
So I will get straight to my point –



Leave.

Me.

Be.

...

Please don't bump your posts; if you need a review, you can ask for them in the Will Review For Food forum.

Melodiously, you whisper "Melodiously" here is, I think, too heavy of a word to use in the first line. It's five syllables where the rest of the line is only three and it hinders the flow of the poem in my opinion. And in the beginning, that's especially important.

Those gentle lullabies;

Words of dulcet adoration

You have so astutely devised. When I read this it felt too long, so I'd take out a couple of syllables. Just read it again and see what you think.

You offer me a rose

As you declare undying passion,

But words are words and nothing more This is the first line in the poem that I've actually really liked. The rhythm is perfect, and it's faster speed makes the calm tone of the poem crack for a second to show a little emotion. Nice.

Unless they are put to action. This one, in my opinion, is awkward and needs to be rephrased, especially the "put to action" - it just doesn't work.

Roses, too, are ephemeral, I'm not sure what the "too" refers to here. What else in the poem has been referred to as impermanent?

And so is love, and so are we – I feel like these first two lines are just filler. They're essentially saying the same thing.

Despite the fact that it is so, The "so's" here get tiring.

Would you still be enchanted with me? The whole stanza is a little hard to understand. Nothing
lasts, but will you love me anyways? It seems to more be pleading, please still love me, instead of making fun of the suitor, which the rest of the poem is doing.

Please refrain from declaring

Those cursed words yet –

Ardor’s oath is a weightless feather, In this stanza I think this is the only line that has rhythm; maybe it's just how I'm reading it, but it would be a good idea to read this (the whole poem) out loud a few times and listen to it.

And it isn’t too charming, I bet. I dislike the last two words; it feels like you only chose them for the rhyme, which is never a good thing.

Become my thief in the night,

Enchant me with sweet hesitation;

But do otherwise, and be a bit too bold,

I will reward you with sweet indignation. Okay, wait. The speaker wants the suitor here, but in the end, all they want is to be left alone?

I think the last few lines are good - I like how they broke from the strict pattern of the rest of the poem - but as I mentioned before, it's a little confusing.

To be honest, I'm not sure I like the speaker; s/he's trying to mold this person into who s/he wants him/her to be, and that's the only way s/he'll have them; it's sort of annoying. I do like, though, the form and the content. The strictness of the form (for most of the poem, anyway) correlates with the strictness of the speaker (that is, their strictness in what the subject should and should not do to win their heart). Very clever.

Overall, it needs some editing, but I think it could be great. Watch the rhythm, read it over a lot more, maybe rethink some of the word choice. Also think about shortening it a bit; most the poem is saying the same thing, over and over, and it gets a bit boring.

Good luck! Don't hesitate to PM me if you have any questions.
-Mars