Replay

[spoiler]I'm running around in circles,
it's getting me nowhere.
The soles of my shoes are wearing away,
the rock beneath them eroding.

Frozen in time by indecision,
it's all just a cycle, a routine.
I can see it in their eyes,
the fact that my act is getting old.

Someone will replace me on this stage,
unless I do first.

Everyone is speeding ahead,
not even a trace of their footprints
left in the sand.
They're long gone, and I'm still here.

If only life gave you signs;
signs that told you which way to walk,
what decisions to make,
and how to juggle it all.

I've passed this tree before,
but when we first met
the leaves were alive and green,
the branches reaching toward the sky.

It's wasted away,
rotted, decayed.
Perhaps he was left behind, too;
someone forgot about his existence.

And maybe that's the answer.
To stop existing
and to start living;
to do things you never imagined yourself doing.

Otherwise, our lives are constant replays to those who watch;
The same thing, from start to finish.[/spoiler]

Under construction

Great poem! I can't really complain about anything.... It's a little cryptic, but that's ok. I guess all I can do is nitpick.

Someone will replace me on this stage,
unless I do first.

This line confused me for a second, though maybe it's just me...

the leaves were alive with green,
the branches reaching toward the sky.

I would change "with" to "and".

Alright then. The only thing I can say is great job!

Hi angels-symphony,

angels-symphony wrote:I'm running around in circles,
it's getting me nowhere.
The soles of my shoes are wearing away,
the rock beneath them eroding.

Frozen in time by indecision,
it's all just a cycle, a routine.
I can see it in their eyes,
the fact that my act is getting old.

This is boring and dry. Let's say I described an apple this way:

"I have in my hand an apple.
It is red and it is round.
It's also soft and mushy
because it has lain on the ground."

That certainly does describe an image but in the barest, basic way. In this fashion, you talk of running in circles and some vague shadow of a "rock" and "soles" and "shoes". Why just throw out words without spinning them into image fabric first to form something in the reader's mind? It might have worked if you would have gone into its significance in greater detail later on, but you don't, and so it is left hanging forever, frustrating the reader.

The second stanza attempts to compensate for the lacking in the first stanza by dramatizing elements that should not be dramatized and pairing them with terms that make no sense. Frozen in time? Obviously that's a poetic device, but if you want any kind of credibility, you have to go into this in greater depth; otherwise, it reeks of cliche. You could make this better by accentuating the frozen part - work it into the theme. After all, being frozen could be connected to standing still in life and going nowhere, could it not?

The rest of the second stanza follows the same mundane pattern as the first, so apply the same changes.

Someone will replace me on this stage,
unless I do first.

Until you do what? Replace someone? Replace yourself? Clarify, because this can and will be taken many ways.

Everyone is speeding ahead,
not even a trace of their footprints
left in the sand.
They're long gone, and I'm still here.

If only life gave you signs;
signs that told you which way to walk,
what decisions to make,
and how to juggle it all.

Read that nonsense again. In these two stanzas you had one image, which was of some sort of sand. You didn't even describe it nor explained why people would be going through sand in the first place, which will naturally puzzle the reader and throw him off-track. The stanza about lives and signs is horribly preachy and needs to be discarded entirely; never, in any poem or story, directly address the reader and tell him what to do and what not to do, as you've sadly done here.

I've passed this tree before,
but when we first met
the leaves were alive and green,
the branches reaching toward the sky.

There has to be another way of describing this without only showing us the color "green" and leaving it at that. Also, how do you know that something looks "alive"? Is it vibrant? Does it sway atop a crown of breeze? Something? Anything?

It's wasted away,
rotted, decayed.
Perhaps he was left behind, too;
someone forgot about his existence.

Again, imagery. You have none. Fix it.

The tree metaphor also doesn't make any sense; why a tree, and why not anything else? Perhaps try making a reference to a historical attribute - the Garden of Eden? The tree of life? A tree that you planted as a child but neglected?

And maybe that's the answer.
To stop existing
and to start living;
to do things you never imagined yourself doing.

Otherwise, our lives are constant replays to those who watch;
The same thing, from start to finish.

The preachy tone is killing this poem from beginning to finish and it ends with another irritating direct address to the reader. Instead of spelling it out, use the poetry as an end and not just as a means. Connect an analogy to the replaying of life and why it should be changed, don't just come up to us and tell us this.

Overall, this poem is slowly dying, starting off decently in the beginning but completely crashing at the end. Good luck making the changes that need to be made.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

xD Thanks Gal. D: I am honored to be reviewed by a poetry mast-ah! =___= So far, AugPo is, um, well let's just leave it at that.

-Shina