Blood Lust

First piece i've put on here , you guys are all scarily good at writing

The first time I heard you speak,
your words flew around
the long hallways in my brain,
temporarily empty as you amazed me
with your crystal smile.

You were sweet as a jazz record,
cute as a French postcard,
quaint as a tea-kettle,
supple as a willow branch,
and I didn’t know how to respond to such old-fashioned charm.

Whenever I saw you
I drank you up,
lapping like a thirsty dog
out of a dirty bowl,
and you had me satiated
with your radiance,
the fluidity of your movements, curve between thumb and finger,
and the way you left my heart suspended in my throat
like a big dumb fish,
struggling for breath because
you poisoned my body
with specks of lead in my blood like pepper,
from the wells
in your eyes
and mouth
and other, secret places,
like the sweet dampness of your neck.

What we cultivated was
dark and healthy like the soil,
bearing new shoots
pushing blindly against the moist ground,
wet as the mouth that births
such beautiful words,
and I whispered,
“don’t ever leave.”
Your voice contains the spice of a Southern twang,
just enough to make me smile,
and you said,
“we’ll see.”

You hair carries the wind,
you talk of bigger things than me and my city,
and I know you are restless to be
away.

And selfishly,
I drank you up too often and too long,
and the sun dried up all your smiles,
your wells turned bitter,
and you left in a cloud of dust
just as winter settled upon the city.
You left my eyes stinging and
remembering
how words used to drip lazily
off your tongue, mystifying my senses,
and how you are still a little
in my blood.

is no one gonna review?

Hello Nadia! I see you posted asking if anyone is going to review. I'd advise just being patient and waiting. It might take a while, but eventually you'll get reviews (like this one!). Posting and asking, which "bumps" up your thread, won't actually help you get reviews, it will only irritate people. Patience is a virtue, darling!

I have to say the idea you had for the poem was wonderful! I rather loved the ending because the idea that someone is still in your blood, so mixed within you, though it seems obvious at first is actually unique (to me) and very well crafted.

your words flew around
the long hallways in my brain,
temporarily empty as you amazed me

How is it empty if there are words flying around?

You were as sweet as a jazz record,
cute as a French postcard,
quaint as a tea-kettle,
supple as a willow branch,
and I didn’t know how to respond to such old-fashioned charm.

I didn't like this stanza too much because you are describing this person in all relative terms, particularly, relative to you. I don't neccessarily think jazz records are sweet, and in fact I find French postcards cliché. (I spent two weeks in France ). I'm not entirely certain how quaint a tea-kettle is, and I really don't know much about willow branches. My point being, the comparisons you made are inaccessible to me, and probably to other readers. If you're going to describe this person, try to do it in a way that can make me love him too, so I can experience the wonderful things you think and feel for him as well. Which is the hard part. You can't just describe him in adjectives and comparisons; it needs to be lively and emotional enough to cause a reaction in your reader. I hope that's not a vague enough direction for you to go in... Based upon your writing, I'm assuming you've read poetry. So, go to the poetry and study how it's done. That has always helped me!

Your third stanza is in dire need of being punctuated properly.

I really loved the way you tried using various sources for imagery in this poem, however I don't think it worked well. You didn't mix metaphors, you just had a lot of them: the brain hallway, dog bowls and water, ground and earth, a drinking well... I think, honestly, this poem would be a lot strong if you found one metaphor, clung to it, and wrote the whole poem around that. Otherwise it feels jumpy and I'm not sure which metaphor to focus on. Instead of any of them coming to a great conclusion and beautiful climax, they all sort of tapper off then lead into the next. It weakens the emotional impact, in my opinion.

I think if you did the above it would help the poem to have strength and to affect the reader in a greater way. Perhaps after you did this I could find other things to pick on (for perfection is always a moving-towards and not an achievement!) but for now those are the biggest things it could use. ^^; Best of luck!

Hi, Nadia. I thought this was lovely. It doesn't sound like a "first piece".

The first time I heard you speak,

your words flew around

the long hallways in my brain,

temporarily empty as you amazed me

with your crystal smile.

I don't like the word "hallways" here. It seems... unsophisticated? I'd replace it with "corridors". Also, the last two lines seem off to me. Here is my suggested rewrite: "The first time I heard you speak, your words flew around the long empty corridors of my brain, as I sat, dazed by your crystal smile." I think something like this would still get your point across, but get rid of that pesky word "temporarily".

You were sweet as a jazz record,

cute as a French postcard,

quaint as a tea-kettle,

supple as a willow branch,

and I didn’t know how to respond to such old-fashioned charm.

Ditto to what Suzanne said about these comparisons. But I love the last line.

Whenever I saw you

I drank you up,

lapping like a thirsty dog

out of a dirty bowl,

Why is the bowl dirty?

Did you mean for the third stanza to be one run-on sentence? It makes it very hard to read. I felt like I was running out of breath for lack of full stops.

from the wells

in your eyes

and mouth

and other, secret places,

like the sweet dampness of your neck.

I think this is so beautiful though, especially the last line.

What we cultivated was

dark and healthy like the soil,

bearing new shoots

pushing blindly against the moist ground,

wet as the mouth that births

such beautiful words,

I don't find this metaphor effective, mostly because I don't know what you're really trying to get at.

“don’t ever leave.”

Here, and in your other quotation, you must capitalize the first letter of the first word.

You hair carries the wind,

you talk of bigger things than me and my city,

and I know you are restless to be

away.

Why is this stanza in the present tense? And how can hair carry the wind?

I liked the last stanza, but again, it needed some periods. I didn't expect the poem to have an unhappy ending & it came on very suddenly for me & it was just great. I think this poem has a lot of great elements, and also a lot of potential for improvement.
Rachel

Wow, I really liked this.
I don't think I need to correct it as the two people above have already done a pretty good job. I saw you were 13, well thats amazing for a 13 year old, I'm 14 and my stuff kind of sucks :S

One thing I would say is that sometimes your metaphors got a little too off topic, I didn't understand some of them. And also this reminded me a little of twilight, or at least vampire love,

is that what you were aiming for?

zaddie

Hey Nadia ^^ Shina here for a review

First piece i've put on here , you guys are all scarily good at writing

xD We are flattered.

I. Nitpicks

temporarily empty as you amazed me
with your crystal smile.

Define "amazed" and "crystal smile".

[s]and[/s] I didn’t know how to respond to such old-fashioned charm.

Remove "and". It's a bit long , this line.

the fluidity of your movements, curve between thumb and finger,
and the way you left my heart suspended in my throat

Good imagery ^^

and I whispered,
“don’t ever leave.”
Your voice contains the spice of a Southern twang,
just enough to make me smile,
and you said,
“we’ll see.”

This is really hooking, this part.

And selfishly,
I drank you up too often and too long,

Repition of "drank".

II. Overall
Good imagery, but you need to be clear on what you mean by "mystifying" and "amazing".
I also liked the story that went with this.

-Shina

I really really liked this poem. It made me feel as if I were you... I'm a girl. That's awkward. Haha. No, really. My favorite line was, "Your hair carries the wind." How stunning is that? Your poem made me melt, really. I don't know what it is about this, it just hits home. Such a great poem for how intense your first love is and how devastating it is losing them. You described everything so fluently and vividly. I don't know if this is just me, but the line about the pepper and lead kind of confused me, I don't see how they relate. I'm new to poetry so that might just be me, though. Keep writing. This is lovely.

Thanks, to everyone. I didn't think I'd get any reviews so this is great. I'm gonna try to make the corrections now

Nadia