Funky Rhyme Scheme?

I wrote this in about an hour during my vacation to Vermont.
I thought it had a cool rhyme scheme, something "Raven-esque", and I kept the syllable count consistent. Please be easy on me, I was just having fun and I don't know anything about poetry.
here it is:



Another boring, sappy poem,
A thing I wrote when I was home,
To whom it is I shall not show,
For no one surely cares.

Alone am I, alone is she,
Convinced she is the one for me,
I beg, while she sits idly
To take a chance, to dare.

“Nay,” says she, “I love another,”
Leaving me to gasp and wonder,
“How could I have ever loved her?
…Perhaps it was her hair?”

Silky, subtle, soft, long and dark,
A most aesthetic work of art.
Or maybe ‘tis her smile that marks
The basis of my care.

“But no,” I think, “It cannot be…
Her smile cannot alone lure me,
It must be those with which she sees
That cause me most to stare.

Alas, it matters not, I lose.
This bomb of love, I can’t diffuse –
I struggle, while she stands bemused,
I cry, “It isn’t fair!”

As she leaves with stunning beauty,
I shout, “It is my sworn duty…
I’ll take your troubles and soothe thee!”
Her burdens I will bear.

A desperate act to keep her near,
The last of mine to reach her ear.
And unperturbed she leaves me here,
To wallow in despair.

Now a talent I’ve come to hone
Is writing long and sappy poems,
For maybe some day she’ll come home,
To read one or a pair.

But yet, ‘till then, I sigh and wait,
‘Till brought to me she is by fate.
I think we shall have one last date,
Though certainty is rare.

Now I am through, that’s all I write,
And hopefully I’ve shed some light
Upon my role, my love, my fight,
My lass, with looks so fare.

For her return is all I hope,
For now I lie and sit and mope.
One day we’ll finally elope,
This is my final prayer.


Whaddya think? Dreadful, right? But wicked fun to write. :]

The cunning use of reverse psychology to lure in the reader is the best part of this, not gonna lie.

You need to play around a little more with some of your sentence inversions -- as is, not all of them make sense. I'll not comment on the rest of this poem because, after all, it's just something you wrote to amuse yourself, and I doubt you're interested in turning it into a work of art. So. You know. It was mildly fun to read. The rhyme scheme is a little wonky, but whatever. Etc.

Hi! I just wanted to thank you for the review (Heaving Ardor), but I looked through your portfolio (you're new, right? welcome to yws!!!) and saw this! It was a bit too long for me, but I liked it. I found myself smiling through most of it. It was very sweet.

I WAS going to critique about the inconsistency of the rhymes and rhythm...
for instance:

Another boring, sappy poem,
A thing I wrote when I was home,
To whom it is I shall not show,
For no one surely cares.

You started out with an 8-syllable pattern but then shifted to six. The last line didn't rhyme with the rest and seemed out of place...

BUT I read on and saw that each last line from every stanza rhymed. I thought that was AWESOME! Unique and smart... Hi-five!

I really like this stanza:

“But no,” I think, “It cannot be…
Her smile cannot alone lure me,
It must be those with which she sees
That cause me most to stare.

I love how you played with words and didn't just say things explicitly... "it must be those with which she sees" = eyes!? right? LOL Correct me if I'm wrong.

Anyway, this poem reminds me of a good friend of mine. He has a similar situation of unrequited love. I shall make him read this!

Really AWESOME poem! Keep Writing!

Oh yah, follow-up comment. Better title, dear! And it was worth reading

Hello.

Second to the last stanza: fare should be fair

Haha. I'm not sure if you are using reverse psychology or you aren't confident about this work but honestly, I think it's the reverse psychology. You woulnd't post this if you didn't think it was pretty grand. Grand it is.

This was a really fun read. The rhyme scheme was very pretty and it flowed well. Another thing which I found quite interesting was that the 'conversation' between the characters in the poem, well, the poem in general is old-ish. It is in old language, that is. Not entirely but it's inserted here and there. Yet the story which you depict in this poem is very, very young and totally in this generation.

Lovely poem. Keep writing and smiling.

--Knightly

Hey,

I'm guessing this is the poem you mentioned earlier? I did like the rhyme scheme and the rhythm for the most part, but some stanzas had issues:

To whom it is I shall not show,

This line was confusing. I had to stop and read the entire stanza over several times to figure out what you were saying.

Leaving me to gasp and wonder,

Mleh. This line was unnecessary. I'm fairly certain that you only put it in so you could keep with the 4 line stanza thing. So I would change it to something with more...substance?

“How could I have ever loved her?

…Perhaps it was her hair?”

Ha.

Silky, subtle, soft, long and dark,

A most aesthetic work of art.

Sounds pretty.

The basis of my care.

*Pulls a face* Of your care? That seems really off and again like you only did it to fit with the poem's format. I'd try to figure something else out.

I’ll take your troubles and soothe thee!”

Maybe, "To take your..."

I think we shall have one last date,

Again, unnecessary and just for the format.

Though certainty is rare.

Ditto.

My

lass, with looks so fare.

fair.

One day we’ll finally elope,

That seemed really random/out of place.


Other than those little things it was really good. Cute. One thing about having nifty (or funky if you must...) rhyme schemes and rhythms is that becauseyou have to follow it exactly, sometimes it's difficult to find the right words and what you end up with sounds forced or doesn't really make sense.

But um.... color me intrigued...who's it?

-Maggie

Thanks, you guys. ANNNND Maggie, thank you very much for the criticism, and yes, while writing it those mistakes you saw were specifically to keep the rhythm consistent. I know it's crap in some places. But really, the "reverse psychology" was only about half of my thinking - I really thought some would find it a waste of time.

:] I'll NEVER tell!!! Muhahaha!

I'm smiling a lot.

Hey James! June here!

So, I'm reviewing this because your Marriage: Who needs it essay is a bit tough for me to review seeing as I haven't read the essay that inspired it. Your two other pieces are good, but not really the type for criticism-- so, this shall suffice! And you need to write more.

Another boring, sappy poem,

A thing I wrote when I was home,

To whom it is I shall not show,

For no one surely cares.

Okay, good, good! As soon as this poem starts, it's pretty obvious that it's not a totally serious poem, but! The last line here stuck out to me, because the wording sounds awkward to me; shouldn't it be "for surely no one cares"?

Honestly, I don't like it when people use "for" to begin a line. Not too sure why it is or whatever, but I think "for" kind of leans more towards archaic tones and old writing-- and in modern writing "For" is usually abused and used whenever and it just doesn't sound right.


And here!

“But no,” I think, “It cannot be…

Her smile cannot alone lure me,

It must be those with which she sees

That cause me most to stare.

You forgot to close the dialogue tag.


- - -

Anyway, James, you did a good job with your rhyme-- which, by the way, is a pretty cool scheme. It took me a while to catch it, but the AAAB, CCCB, DDDB[...] is really cool.


I love how you kept the rhythm consistent, but! I do have to say that it's much, much better to place the message of the poem before rhythm, structure, rhyme and whatnot, because doing otherwise leads to a few stray lines that don't actually make sense.

Nevertheless, it was an enjoyable read, dear. You should honestly write more-- and dabble in poetry a bit, too.

Any questions? PM me.

June

You tricked me! *gasps* But nah, I'm gonna cut you some slack. This is the first poem that made me smile today. Just lovely. I'd give you a gold star... but maybe you wouldn't want it? You yourself told us that this was a sappy poem. Kidding. Keep writing, dude!


~ KL

Hey,
This was cute, that fact that you tried to write it that is. Don't be so discouraging towards your self, this was a great try!

I loved the rhyme scheme. It's your own personal spin on it.