Assassin's Tango

A/N: So, I based this on the Assassin's Tango by John Powell. This is the first poem I've written on this basics, like structure and so. Feedback is welcomed.


Draw the line, sweetheart
I’m here tonight to dance,
your music, our tango.

Flip your heels, face me;
let it reach higher.
Hide your tears,
like I did with mine –
and dance.

We only have this moment -
I’m here to kill you,
tonight.
It pains me as much as it pains you,
you’re here to do the same.

What more can you kill of me?
(my heart’s already yours)
Your hands lay on my waist,
Change it.

Your touch burns,
as the song comes
to the final notes.
I can’t pull the trigger,
(shame on me)
I can hear the violins
Stop.
I can smell it,
Under your Armani scent,
Your wish to end it.
Do it. Now,
since I can't.
Stop it,
Change it.
Kill it.
Murder me.

Hey Kat!! Pudin Here. I like it, it's like it has power, like the tango, because the Tango is a powerful dance. I didn't understand though, at first I thought it was told by one person, but when I read it again the person changes right? Like a dialogue. I liked how it gives me the strength of that scene.

I would say more if I had more time but right now, it's limited. So, all I can tell you is that it's pretty good.

Ooh, this is a dark poem!

On first glance, this is good. I love the way you've structured this - the varying line lengths perhaps show the frenzied movement of the lovers as one attempts to kill the other. The enjambement in "violins/Stop" is daring, as it stresses the sense that time is slowing down and life is beginning to ebb away. You've exploited a fairly simple device to powerful effect.

I started getting confused when you wrote, "...you're here to do the same. / What more can you kill of me?" Are you shifting between two different points of view - the killer and his intended victim? Do they both want to kill each other? If you ever have two different characters, I would recommend not using italics, mainly because they distract the reader from the content. Instead, try to individualise the two characters' speech patterns, much like you would do with prose. You could be very subtle with this, e.g. one prefers fiery metaphors, the other uses watery language.

You've shown throughout this piece - the image of the flipping heels is particularly memorable for its exquisite detail - but I think you could take this further. The sentence where the speaker outright declares he's going to kill her is redundant. This is blatant telling! How is he going to kill her? Strangling, stabbing, arson attack, beheading? Why is he about to murder her? Money? Jealousy? Many people seem to think that poetry needs less work because it tends to be shorter than a piece of prose. In fact, this is not the case - poetry is a more difficult skill because it requires an awful lot of detailed, precise language in a very small space.

The ending lacks impact, primarily because the great scene you've conjured has now been reduced to a series of predictable, clipped sentences: "Do it." Keep running with bold and subtle images right until the very end. Leave the reader gasping for more - send them running back to the first line to relive the whole poem. Thus, we could compress this:

"I can smell it,
Under your Armani scent,
Your wish to end it.
Do it. Now,
since I can't.
Stop it,
Change it.
Kill it.
Murder me."

Into this:

"Your Armani scent
penetrates my skin,
like red-eyed poison.
I fall,
like some drugged animal.
Your hunger is insatiable -
the steel consumes me,
as my eyes fade
to black.

Something like that. By adding a dash of colour and some intimate images ("Your Armani scent/penetrates my skin"), the act of killing becomes much more vivid, intense and strangely erotic to the reader. Leaving them (hopefully) thirsty for more.

Hope this helps!

Gahks

Interesting theme. Something like this deserves an intense, dramatic, very focused style. There are definitely places you have that... and places you don't. It's important to use specific language, to make sure every line, every word, is only what will enhance the scene and advance the story. It's also very, very important to make absolutely certain that everything is clear, precise; there's a big difference between mystery, and confusion. There were some lines that struck me as just... fillers, just empty words because I couldn't connect them with the lines around them.

Draw the line, sweetheart
I’m here tonight to dance,
your music, our tango.

Flip your heels, face me;
let it reach higher. <--- let what reach higher? you made this part of the same sentence as the line above, but I can't find the connection.
Hide your tears,
like I did with mine –
and dance.

We only have this moment -
I’m here to kill you,
tonight.
It pains me as much as it pains you,
you’re here to do the same. <--- This whole stanza is very wordy, especially the last couple of lines. Remember that you need to keep things concise, and clear, and every word needs to be essential, without deadwood, without anything that could confuse your reader. Even if it's some "minor" detail that only makes them go back and read the line once more before they understand it, even that is distracting; it disrupts the poem. Imagery aside, there's something to be said for very plain language.

What more can you kill of me? <--- Like Gahks, at this point I start to get confused. If this is the same person speaking who's been narrating throughout the rest of the poem, then this line definitely needs some background. If it's the victim speaking here, you need to find a way to distinguish the two people.
(my heart’s already yours)
Your hands lay on my waist,
Change it. <--- This is a bit of a jump from the rest of the stanza. It goes abruptly back to the dancing, without any transition. At least... it seems like this is referring to the dancing.

Your touch burns,
as the song comes
to the final notes.
I can’t pull the trigger,
(shame on me)
I can hear the violins
Stop.
I can smell it,
Under your Armani scent,
Your wish to end it.
Do it. Now,
since I can't.
Stop it,
Change it.
Kill it.
Murder me.

This last stanza is rather choppy, particularily the first three lines, and the last several, where you have those short, abrupt, non-descript sentences. Up to this point, you included some great imagery, and there was at least some depth to each line. Suddenly, at the end, one of the most crucial points, what you've built up to, it becomes bland, stale. Suddenly, I can't picture the scene anymore, because I have nothing to work with, there's no picture.

What I'd focus on when going over this poem is adding imagery and depth to the end; clearing up the confusion about which person is narrating when; and also doing a little cleaning up of those parts that are wordy, or aren't necessary at all. You have some great imagery in the beginning and I'd like to see that brought out even more =D
"Your music, our tango" = my favourite line.

If you have any questions/want me to take another look at this some time, let me know!

-Adna