New Year

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 10
A/N:I wrote this a very long time ago so I'm sorry if it makes little or no sense.








The room is decorated in a colorless palette of black and white. Sounds of drunken banter and laughter poured out from the guests as the anxiously await the start of the New Year. The party is a huge success for the wealthy plantation owner and his family. Everyone is engulfed in the charismatic atmosphere, enjoying the final moments of the old year.
No one noticed.
That the young heiress of this plantation had not been smiling and joining in on the joyus evening. She had been sitting in the corner the entire time. People greeted her politely as expected(one can not completely ignore the host's daughter)but in the room filled with people,she was alone. No one saw her eyes desperately plea for recognition of her inner sorrow. No one cares as she excuses herself quietly from the room and makes her way to outside. The party continued just as well without her presence.
Five minutes before midnight the host begins to hush the guests. It is time to say goodbye to the old year, and welcome what lies ahead. After a few moments they begin
to count in unison:
Ten, Nine, Eight
This is what the young girl hears, even from outside. She stands in a tree, looking at her house, illuminated by the lights from within. Shadows of the happy people dance across the windows through the curtains. No one was outside;she was alone.
Seven Six Five
People inside look around the room, carefully picking out the person to kiss at the stroke of midnight. The anticipation of what is to come makes the crowd restless. The last few seconds seem to carry on longer than the previous ones.
Four Three Two
Edging forward onto the tree branch, the girl closes her eyes and swallows hard. She works hard to ignore the waves of fear running through her veins. This is the only way, she convinces herself. I will no longer be alone.
Gripping the noose around her neck, she takes a step forward
One
Fireworks explode. Shrieks of laughter and excitement fill the air. Auld Lang Syne is sung out by many. Exchanges of hugs and kisses make their way around the room. The plantation owner embraces his wife lovingly, thankful he had found such a marvelous person in life. The Old Year is gone, and the New Year is here at last. All is well in here.
No one notices
The young heiress hanging from the tree outside. The sounds from in the manor are muffled out here. The cracking of fireworks going off from afar play in the night. The wind whispers throughthe leaves, swinging her lightly back and forth. No one is there to care.
She forever remains alone.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 9
Everyone is engulfed in the charismatic atmosphere, enjoying the final moments of the old year.


Charismatic isn't quite used correctly here. Usually that word is used to refer to a person and their charm, not an atmosphere. Also, at this point the year isn't old yet. Soon-to-be-old?

No one noticed.
That the young heiress of this plantation had not been smiling and joining in on the joyus evening.


I understand the stylistic choice here, and it would probably work really well if the rest of the work was more poetic, but it transitions a little awkwardly as is.

You switch frequently between past and present tense throughout the piece. I think both work pretty well, but you need to pick just one and stick with it. (I prefer the present tense for this)

To be honest, I think the story would work better as a narrative poem than as prose. It would fit the feel of the story, which I like very much by the way, and you'd be able to get away with more.
_________________________________[],,,,,,,,,,,,,
\________________________________| <><><> D)
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . []''''''''''''''''




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 10
Thanks! I'll try to remember that for next time.
Masochism is a valuable job skill-CP



You know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart? They're both ridiculous.
— The 12th Doctor