The Blackwalker Chronicles

Prologue


It’s raining outside.
Hunting prey in the dead of night,
Before him, victim’s run in fright,
The wielder of the sacred light.

It’s raining outside.
Blessed sword of silver made,
Banished beasts upon its blade,
Its true power asleep has laid.

It’s raining outside.
We, consistent with our great demands,
Send him deep to forbidden lands,
The power soon within his hands.

It’s raining outside.
The power now with him abides,
And he is cursed within our eyes,
The power destroys him from inside.

It’s raining outside.
Warrior fallen to death’s cold frost,
In the sea a tempest tossed,
The rains will rage for a hero lost.

It’s raining outside, and so it will,
For the one chosen by the light has died.

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An idea I came up with at camp. The rest of the story will be put in the Fantasy Fiction Section. Please read it! "Chapter One: The Battle" coming soon!

Hello, Black pencil! Welcome to YWS!

I think you're off to a decent start. One of the first things I noticed about this poem is that your main focus is rhyme and rhythm instead of the message behind it.

Don't do this! For children works it's okay, but for an older audience, you'll find that a rhythmic/rhyme poem won't do to satisfy your audience. Focus on meaning, and place your rhythm and rhyme as a secondary factor. Write your poem-- get all of your ideas out onto the page and then see if rhyme will fit the poem, dear.

Right now, your lines are a bit choppy, dear. They aren't necessarily connected to each other, because your rhyme is causing you to jump from one idea to the next abruptly so that you can complete the scheme.

I'm not too sure I liked the "It's raining outside" repetition. While I do see how this can work, I don't think it's giving us much, dear, because you're not necessarily connecting any of your other ideas to this rain. It's kind of a loose end that needs to be tied in.

Remember that clarity is important for your audience in poetry. In order to sustain our interest, you do need to keep a clear meaning -- and here, I can't say you have it. I think with a bit of work, this can be good.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

June