To Stand By the Moon

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To Stand By the Moon

When I was a child, my mother told me a story. This story had been passed down from my great, great grandmother, who lived the same days my hero did. The story is about a man who was wise enough to stand out about his feelings. This one brave man saved two tribes, and many cultures. His name was Muraco, and he is my grandfather.


The story always started when the sun was right above the Comanche tribe. The women were preparing for dinner, the men and children playing or relaxing after a hard day’s work. Everything was well. The tribe was living with full pleasure and ease. All their crops were growing wondrously; they had plenty of water and meat, and didn’t have to strive to get it.


This day was the last they would ever live like that. When the sun moved closer to the mountains, young Muraco would set out and explore. It was the time of day where everyone was feeding and putting down little ones. They wouldn’t notice at all if he left. He got his knife, which his father gave him when he had lived sixteen winters and summers. He packed his pouch with bread, and was all ready to set out when he heard a familiar call.


“Muraco!” She cried. She was Lomahongva, and she was the most beautiful and loathed woman in the tribe. She had silky black hair that never tangled. She didn’t even need a brush. She had the lightest brown eyes, and they reminded Muraco of the amber which hung on a necklace around his father’s neck. She had the perfect fingernails and no matter how much she planted or picked, they never got dirty. She was perfect in his eyes, and she had loved him ever since she could talk.


“Lomahongva, what are you doing here?” He smiled to let her know he wasn’t opposed to her fallowing him.


“I just, I don’t really feel like being around anyone else but you right now.” She looked up at him through her long, dark eyelashes.


“Well, you can come with me, if you can keep up.” He smirked, and she smiled back. They walked for a while in silence. The only noise was there moccasins pushing aside tall grass as they walked.


The sun was setting, and Clouds were starting to form in the horizon. The sky turned the clouds a beautiful assortment of pinks and purples, and Muraco admired them as he walked. He then found a nice spot to sit, and ushered her to sit along him. “Lomahongva? You know what I’ve been thinking?”


“I don’t. What have you been thinking?”


“Do you see those clouds, up in the sky? I wonder how they change color. I also, wonder, how an already beautiful thing, can become more beautiful every day…” He looked at her, “That is why, Lomahongva, those clouds, they remind me of you.” He smiled. She sat there, wondering what to say. She had always wanted to hear those words, but not so sure from him. You see, Lomahongva had a secret that she had never told anyone before this day.


Finally, she grinned back, “When my mom was giving birth to me, she was in deep pain. She knew she would have to give up her life to save mine. She looked out the door to her hut and saw clouds just like those. She then told my father: Lomahongva. That was her last word, and how I got my name. Lomahongva means ‘beautiful clouds arising’, so says my father...” She looked down, not wanting to see his face when she spoke her next sentence. “Sometimes I wonder if I love you just because you remind me so much of my mother.” She didn’t want to feel like that, and certainly didn’t want to tell him.


After much silence and curiosity, Muraco decided on what to say next. “I don’t believe you think that. You only know about your mom what has been told to you. Maybe your mother was a lot like me. There are a lot of maybes in this world, Lomahongva. All I know is I love you.” He touched her chin and tilted it so she would look at him again. “I love you for you, not your mother or father. I love you because you are like those clouds. You are so beautiful, and so hard to reach. You chose this night to show your true colors, and you chose me to show them to.”
Her eyes started to moisten and redden. She kept on staring into his eyes though. She could see through his big brown eyes, his stare. She could see he was telling the truth, he loved her. She wanted so badly to tell him she felt the same way. She knew she loved him, just not in which way.


They were sitting there quietly, looking at the setting sun. That is when they first heard them.


To be continued




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Sorry. I started reading it, but it was so darn boring I was afraid my mind would break if I forged on.

So I'm just going to focus on beginnings. How is 'When I was a child, my mother told me a story' supposed to grab anyone? Sure, my mom told me lots of stories, and I'm sure the Grinch's mom told him stories, and Nero's mom probably did, too. But honestly? I don't give a flying rat's rear-end. Cough, cough, sorry. Me pater's old saying.

Hooks, cara, hooks. If you want anyone to actually read your story, you need to catch them by the back of their ugly green underpants and scream 'Hey! My story is worth reading!' And the only way you can do that is by making the beginning a mystery, a barely-audible whisper, perhaps, but so intriguing the reader simply MUST read on. Start with the flashback, make it an exciting opening, and then drop the bomb that these are his grandparents, or whatever, at the end. Make your reader gasp, scroll back up to the top and sigh when they see there aren't any other chapters yet.

Come on, I just know you can do it. And maybe I'm wrong, maybe some people will like it, even with the extremely ordinary beginning. But if you really want to give it a kick, you need to start with something exciting, something catchy.

Well, then. Please PM me when and if you revise. I know you can make this more interesting, I really do.

<3Reeker
She sells seashores by the seashell. Sorry, we turned it downside-up because there was only one seashell left and plenty of seashores to go around.




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Hey there! Welcome to YWS I'm Cynara and I'll be doing a quick review... OK. Lets start!


“Muraco!” She cried. She was Lomahongva, and she was the most beautiful and loathed woman in the tribe. She had silky black hair that never tangled. She didn’t even need a brush. She had the lightest brown eyes, and they reminded Muraco of the amber which hung on a necklace around his father’s neck. She had the perfect fingernails and no matter how much she planted or picked, they never got dirty. She was perfect in his eyes, and she had loved him ever since she could talk.

The S shouldn't be capitalized, because its describing how she said it. Also I think you should avoid repetition on the word she. :)


“Do you see those clouds, up in the sky? I wonder how they change color. I also, wonder, how an already beautiful thing, can become more beautiful every day…” [/b]He looked at her, “That is why, Lomahongva, those clouds, they remind me of you.” He smiled. She sat there, wondering what to say. She had always wanted to hear those words, but not so sure from him. You see, Lomahongva had a secret that she had never told anyone before this day.

I think here you should describe how he's saying this to her... So we can picture the scene better. Am I making any sense?

Anyway, your story although short was very good. :smt003
I would like to read more from you... So when the next chapter is up please pm me :) .
Good luck!
And goodbye!:smt039
To Live A Creative Life We Must Lose Our Fear Of Being Wrong.




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Ok here it is. The writing is good, don't get me wrong, but if you are really planning on making this more than a mediocre short story, you need to take some time and develop your characters and plot. I know that it's just the beginning but it seems like a very rushed beginning. There is no limit, nobody is counting your words. Really try to get the reader to understand what you are seeing when you write this, because although you picture everything clearly, we do not. Present the hook and get our attention, but then take your time. We don't even know who these people are and your suddenly pushing this scene that is supponsed to be touching but is not because we don't care about these people yet.

If these are going to be your main characters, maybe introduce us to them separately, or in more of a general setting. Let us know more about this village, what it's people are like and how these two characters fit into the social structure. It seems like you've got a good idea, just take the time to really create this world for us. Good Luck.

Cheers.
"What if fine isn't good enough? What if I want extraordinary?"



I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
— Solomon Short