You Soft and Lonely/You Lost and Lonely

The heavy chatter doesn't help me concentrate. Eyeing the multiple, several-stepped word problems looking back at me as they all lay spread across the white paper. I don't know the answer to any of these, I admitted to myself. The stressful tapping of my pencil against the wooden desk was only muffled by talking classmates who'd whizzed through the worksheet lightyears faster than I ever dreamed of doing.

"Whatever isn't finished counts as homework," announced my teacher from the front of the classroom, her tall body and small frame nearly being engulfed by her volumous, waves of brunette ocean of hair.

Wonderful. I can put off having my brain combust from lack of comprehension until later today, I thought sarcastically.

"What are you passing out, Ms. Haven?" asked one of the chatter boxes, sitting across from me.

"Tests from last week." she replied, red-painted nails flipping through the stack of papers, searching for each copy that belonged to the right student.

"How'd we do?" some curious mind asked her as she came closer to my desk. Each sound of her heels hitting the floor making my heart sink heaver and heavier into my stomach.

Cringing at the question, though her features remaining angelic, she replied "Some did well,"

Reaching my desk, she added "Others, not so well." Her eyes locked onto mine as she handed back my test. Just great, Ms.Haven. Not only did I do horrendous, but you'd also like me to give you the look of either "Oh no, I cannot believe this!" or "Sorry, I'll try better next time." Both being lies, for I knew I did not do well, and that I doubt I will get any better.

"59%" marked my paper in bold ink. A few points higher than I had expected.

"I need to talk to you after class, Mr. Braun." she said quietly, her almond-shape, moss green eyes looking of dissapointment.

Many kids at my school who have an X chromosome would probably jump for joy at the thought of being in an empty room with "Ms. Heaven." Nor could I deny the reason why; her face, looking of a woman coming straight out of college, held the classic appearance of beauty, her eyes both narrow and seductive, and even her simple presence makes my pulse go a little bit faster. Even though she is a teacher, she is very reserved and holds a lot of mystery; only speaking while giving notes or instructing us on what to do. It will be interesting to witness motion in her striking, red lips after the dismission bell rings.

My mind races, knowing that whatever she will tell me won't be anything delightful to the ears. She just might kick me out of her standard Algebra II class and transfer me to whatever kind of class is below, well, standard. I could picture it already; my body centered in the middle of a dimly lit class room from hell, surrounded by the generic "Bad kids" you watch bullying people two feet shorter than themselves in movies and television shows, and not giving a care in the world about school or actually attempting to go somewhere in life, hoping to probably live off small, red-haired freckled kids' lunch money for the rest of their pre-nursing home lives. Me also fitting the appearance of a mathlete will make my sheet of paper the target to glance at on test days; having no muscle definition whatsoever on my lanky, pale body, and having never tried to where clothing that are "In style" or a beginning "Trend," T-shirts, polos, and jeans are the only things in my dull closet of non-fashionable attire. Everyone who doesn't know me automatically assumes I am a genius, whereas all of my friends (mostly honors students), who know me very well, think I am an idiot. It all depends on one's interpretation of my intelligence, I presume.

Flinching from the ringing of the dismissal bell, I had no idea I was that zoned out of what was around me, that my mind had moved me away from the front of the room and out of my desk of which I was placed, and I was fixated on my mind's on-going imaginitive rambles. To my appreciation, I had not drooled. That would have been the icing on the have-Ms. Haven-think-of-me-as-a-total-loser cake. It is horrible enough that the cake has been baked with a fail-nearly-all-the-tests-and-quizzes batter.

Turning my head to glance at her from the right side of the room, Ms. Haven appears as though she had never informed me of having to share any important words with me. Looks like I will have to do the initiating then. Collecting my notebook and pencils into my backpack, my hands started to jitter. My X chromosome beginning to shine through, I am alone in a room with Ms. Heaven.

"What is it that you want to tell me?" I asked, slinging my twenty-pound bag over a single shoulder while I walked closer to her.

Nearly standing at my same six feet of height while in high-heels, she replied "You're not doing so well, Wyatt."
This being the very first time she addressed me by my first name.

"I know." I replied, a noticable tremble in my voice.

"So you know what this means then?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You're going to switch me out of the class," I sighed. "I promise, I will study much harder and I will-"

"What?"

I paused. "I'm not getting transferred to another math class?" I asked, half confused and the other cheerful.

Ms. Haven's eyes grew wider. "Oh, no." she said, moving a strand of copper-toned hair away from her pretty face.
"You just need some guidance, Wyatt."

I nodded in reply, having no clue what she meant, but not feeling like moving my mouth to question her.

"I'm here tomorrow at nine. You can come around the same time. I can help you with all the problems you're having."

Wrong. There is no possible way she can help me out with eleven years of mathmatic material. Ms. Haven may be attractive, but she is no miracle worker.

"I know what you're thinking: Tutoring on a Saturday?"

Wrong again. Spending a couple of hours with her alone sounds like a dream, but I question her capability of making me understand anything Algebra related.

"No. I'll come tomorrow," I said.

Ms. Haven smiled. "Great." Having her as a teacher for months now, this was also the first smile I'd seen spread across her face. Quite ironic for a woman with her looks to come off so distant and unhappy.

Walking into the outside of the school, the sun's heat warms my skin. The temperature and scenery of the orange season of autumn is the most enjoyable, making it a little easier for me to walk a quarter mile to and from school grounds everyday. The warm wind blowing the vivid, green blades of grass along with my dark, curls of hair gives me the feeling of relaxation, bringing me the sense that all of my problems exists outside of my basket-case head. The wind comforts me as I am inching closer to my house with every step I take upon the grassy ground, and making me long and wish for this amazing, calming feeling to last forever. It didn't.

"Wyatt!" cried out a familiar, female voice. I snapped my head back, being startled by the sudden outroar. Peering from behind of me, I then realized just who the shreik had came from.

Watching her small body easing in my direction, I called out "Willow."

Finally catching up with me, her head framed with short, blonde locks, aligned with my not-very-muscular chest. We greeted each other with the typical "Hey," and began walking side-by-side as we exited the large, spacey school grounds.

"Are we still on for tomorrow?" Willow asked, kicking a few pebbles with her tiny feet across the dirt.

Feeling as though I have been hit with a giant boulder, I can't believe I had forgotten. "Oh yeah... about that," I stumbled, dodging her eye sight.

"You can't go? Why not?" she asked, her voice filling up with dissapointment, making her the second woman today I've made react that way.

"I could have gone, up until minutes ago." I said sorrowfully. "I did pretty bad on my last math test, so my teacher said she could tutor me tomorrow. I totally forgot about us hanging out on Saturday, so I promised her I would come."

Willow peered up at me, her big, brown eyes narrowed. "You give up being with me tomorrow for a tutoring session? A math tutoring session on a Saturday at that."

"Well, I'm failing the class and I told Ms. Haven I would show up tomorrow, and if I don't it would seem like I don't even care about having a bad grade, and I do. I do care."

"Of course," Willow said. "You have that woman as a teacher. That is why you just wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you stood her up tomorrow. What is up with you boys at this school? Putting that woman on a diamond-studded pedestal, only because she's a bit prettier than the average school teacher."

"It isn't like that at all, Willow." I said.

"Whatever," she replied, folding her arms in disgust.

"Maybe we can do something on Sunday," I replied, looking for the slightest twinkle of forgiveness in her eyes.

"Maybe," she said. "I... like you a lot, Wyatt, and it hurts just being friends with you. Tomorrow may not have been as important for you as it was for me. It's a let down."

I am aware of how much Willow is fond of me. I've known for a while now. She is the only person I know who would think of me in this kind of way. I am flattered. No, more than flattered. I enjoy the way she feels for me, and at times I even mimick the same emotion towards her. I find her adorable, and she has the qualities I would love to have in a girlfriend; sweet and nice, yet blunt and honest. I cannot be with Willow, though. She is my best friend, and I'm afraid if I were to willingly alter that status, it would never go back to the way it was prior if things were to turn sour between us.

"Can we reschedule for Sunday?" I joked, ignoring that she just poured the sticky concoction of thoughts and feelings all over me.

Willow giggled, making me greatful of how similar our senses of humors are. "Yeah," she replied as she gazed at me with those eyes that remind me of lovely, rich chocolate drops.

This is the Willow that I love and care for; my best friend. The single person I can count on for switching my mood from down to cheerful. What if the tress of being in a relationship gets to me? What if the Willow I wish to confide in is no longer present? That would change an orange, warm Autumn I adore, into a brisk, cold Winter I can never endure.

'Lo there! Always looking forward to critiquing your work (because it's always a nice read and there's room for improvement). On to the review! My thoughts, when inside the quotes, are italicised.

Typos and Misspellings
No biggie, just a couple of misspelled words.

The heavy chatter doesn't help me concentrate

Having her as a teacher for months now

I find her adorable,

The warm wind blowing the vivid, green blades of grass along with my dark[s],[/s] curls of hair gives me the feeling of relaxation, bringing me the sense that all of my problems exist outside of my basket-case head.

The temperature and scenery of the orange season of Autumn is the most enjoyable
Autumn is not capitalised.

"You can't go[s], Wyatt[/s]? Why not?" she asked, her voice filling up with disapointment
The "Wyatt" sounded rather awkward to me.

The stressful tapping of my pencil against the wooden desk was only muffled by talking classmates who'd whizzed through the worksheet lightyears faster than I ever dreamed of.
The sentence seems to be hanging.

For future reference, "upon" is not "apon".

Inappropriate Words
Wrong words used at the wrong time:

her tall body and thin frame nearly being engulfed by her volumous[s],[/s] waves of brunette [s]ocean[/s] of hair.

"What is it that you want to tell me?" I asked, slinging my twenty-pound bag over a single shoulder while I walked closer to her.
That doesn't sound like a particularly respectful way to speak to a teacher, does it? It sounds a tad too informal, like he's talking to his friends.

Both being lies, for I knew that I wouldn't do well, and that I doubt I will get any better

Even though she is a teacher, she is very reserved and holds a lot of mystery;

It will be interesting to witness motion in her striking, red lips after the dismission bell rings. This sounds a little strange. To "witness motion"?

Tenses and "-ing" Fragments
Your tenses often switch from present to past, so you should choose just one.
I notice you use -ing when it should just be -s, or nothing at all, like the following:

My mind races/raced, knowing that whatever she will tell me won't be anything delightful to the ears.

The wind comforts/comforted me as I am inching closer to my house with every step I take upon the grassy ground, and making me long and wish for this amazing, calming feeling to last forever.

Everyone who doesn't know me automatically assumes I am a genius, whereas all of my friends (mostly honors students), who know me very well, think I am an idiot.
Assuming, of course, that your tense is present, otherwise it would be "didn't" and "assumed".

Things I Liked

The warm wind blowing the vivid, green blades of grass along with my dark, curls of hair gives me the feeling of relaxation, bringing me the sense that all of my problems exist outside of my basket-case head.
Even though I also put this under Typos and Misspellings, I liked the portrayal. The adjectives might be too many... but it was good anyway. Probably because I have a thing for autumn and I love it being described.

Eyeing the multiple, several-stepped word problems looking back at me as they all lay spread across the white paper. I don't know the answer to any of these, I admitted to myself.
I feel so fortunate that I'm not like that anymore. So relateable. Me likey.

That would have been the icing on the have-Ms. Haven-think-of-me-as-a-total-loser cake. It is horrible enough that the cake has been baked with a fail-nearly-all-the-tests-and-quizzes batter.
For obvious reasons, this made me laugh.

The conclusion didn't sound very finished. I hope there's a next chapter - keep me posted! Thanks if you changed what I suggested, and sorry if I was too harsh!

Hope I helped,
Lily.

Thank you for the critique, I have now edited a lot of the things you have suggested.

Please don't switch tenses! You flitted from present to past tense and I wasn't sure if that was intentional or not.

Not only did I do horrendous,

Not only did I do horrendously, I think you mean.

I also think it can get a little too descriptive. Obviously, description is good, but make sure you only add the necessary details and that you don't go overboard and end up on borderline purple prose.

But apart from this; overall, I really liked the story and the idea! (:

Hey Kiki! So, we just became friends like, 5 minutes ago and I figured I would review a little more of your stuff. So here it goes!

waves of brunette ocean of hair.

This is when you need to choose one or the other. “waves of brunette hair” or “ ocean of brunette hair” but not both.

Wonderful. I can put off having my brain combust from lack of comprehension until later today,

To set this off as a thought rather then part of the action, use either italicized formatting or single quotes.

"59%"

The quote marks here probably aren’t necessary. In fact, I would add an “A” at the beginning of the sentence so it would just read “A 59% marked…”

Even though she is a teacher, she is very reserved and holds a lot of mystery;

So, first of all, I have to say something about the word “very” because I know we all use it. But I try to spot it when I can and make mention of it. Back when we still had the list of 101 writing tips on the site, there was a tip that really had my attention. I don’t recall exactly what I said, but it went something like “whenever you feel inclined to write ‘very’ write ‘damn’ instead and your editor will remove them for you.” So what I’m trying to get at, is don’t use ‘very’ at least not often.

It all depends on one's interpretation of my intelligence, I presume.

If I were you, I would change presume to assumed.

The wind comforts me as I am inching closer to my house with every step I take upon the grassy ground, [s]and[/s] making me long and wish for this amazing, calming feeling to last forever.

“as I inch closer”

What if the tress of being in a relationship gets to me?

I think you mean ‘stress’ not ‘tress’.


This isn’t bad. The dialogue flows well and rather originally but there are a few places where it loses that feeling. People don’t always speak so openly about there emotions. Sit down and watch people on around you or listen to the dialogue on television (just not on soap operas, that stuff is terrible) and get a feel for the way characters talk to each other, then use those little details in your own writing.

Another thing to watch out for is wordiness. There are a lot of places where you want to tell us a lot of information but you use so many words, that it begins to feel complicated and clumsy. Go through and find places where you can remove words but not detail. That way if feels cleaner.

Anyway, that’s all I have to say my new YWS friend. Any questions, just PM me.

~lilymoore

Hey! I really liked reading your written work. There were some typos and grammatical errors, but those, of course, can always be fixed. The dialogue flowed well, but I thought you were perhaps a bit too expressive at times. I understand you want to create imagery and description, but sometimes less is more.

keep up the good work!

Hello, Roon here! Well, first off, I think this is a nice idea, there is a lot of potential! Your main character is likeable, and easy to identify with. A few nitpicks, which are mostly just opinion, so you might not even agree! There's quite a lot, don't think I don't like it though!

Eyeing the multiple, several-stepped word problems looking back at me as they all lay spread across the white paper.

I don’t like this sentence, you say “multiple” and “several” very close together. Also, it is awkwardly phrased. I would try something like:
I eye the page of complicated word problems, all of which had several steps to them. They stare up at me, as though taunting me.
Just an opinion, it isn’t something that would put me off reading, I just thought I’d point it out.

The stressful tapping of my pencil

Okay, “stressful tapping” implies that the tapping is what’s making her stressed, but I see where you’re coming from here.

small frame nearly being engulfed by her volumous, waves of brunette ocean of hair.

This sentence is a little odd, she sounds like her hair has been taken off a manga character! The second bit, I think has already been pointed out.

Wonderful. I can put off having my brain combust from lack of comprehension until later today, I thought sarcastically.

Nothing wrong with this, I just loved it! We’ve all been here at some stage!

red-painted nails

I would say “her painted red nails” here

making my heart sink heaver and heavier into my stomach.

This doesn’t make too much sense really, how about something more like this:
“Making my heavy heart sink into my stomach” just a thought, no one else has said anything about this, so maybe I’m just being weird!

Not only did I do horrendous,

Horrendously, although this has already been pointed out!

Many kids at my school who have an X chromosome

We all have an X chromosome, men have an X and a Y, women have two X’s

Nor could I deny the reason why; her face, looking of a woman coming straight out of college,

You don’t say nor unless there was another thing you couldn’t deny before it. I’ve tried to rephrase it, but it’s not that good:
“I couldn’t deny she was pretty, she looked as though she was straight out of college,”

Even though she is a teacher, she is very reserved and holds a lot of mystery;

Do people usually know the ins and outs of their teachers lives?

to witness motion in her striking

Emotion?

class room

Classroom

not giving a care in the world about school

You don’t really say “not giving a care”, “not giving a *rude word*” maybe, but not care, erm, maybe “Not caring at all about school”?

hoping to probably live off small,

Probably hoping to

never tried to where

Wear

on one's interpretation of my intelligence, I presume.

This makes the character seem intelligent, even though you say he’s not. Which could be good, jsut because he's not academic doesn't mean he's thick, right?

out of my desk of which I was placed

Away from the desk at which I was placed

To my appreciation, I had not drooled. That would have been the icing on the have-Ms. Haven-think-of-me-as-a-total-loser cake. It is horrible enough that the cake has been baked with a fail-nearly-all-the-tests-and-quizzes batter.

Loved this bit! Although, you do the hyphen thing twice, so hmm, but I can forgive because this was funny!

My X chromosome beginning to shine through

Y chromosome, and I didn’t like this sentence to be honest. I don’t think chromosomes can shine!

slinging my twenty-pound bag over a single shoulder

Any particular reason for telling us the price?

I asked, half confused and the other cheerful.
Half of me was confused, the rest was cheerful. I would say relieved though.

Wyatt? Like in charmed?

like moving my mouth

Opening my mouth

Wrong again. Spending a couple of hours with her alone sounds like a dream, but I question her capability of making me understand anything Algebra related.
Loved this bit too!

Quite ironic for a woman with her looks to come off so distant and unhappy.

You assume that looks bring happiness?

Feeling as though I have been hit with a giant boulder

This isn’t very original, and it’s rather blunt, but it’s not too bad.

I said sorrowfully.

He doesn’t really seem sorrowful.

You have that woman as a teacher.

Nice jealousy! Excellent.

I am aware of how much Willow is fond of me.

I’m aware of how fond Willow is of me.

No, more than flattered.

Good, we all feel sorry for her now, that mean boy Wyatt!

I cannot be with Willow

Just say can’t

if things were to turn sour between us.

Good, now we’re back to liking the guy!

I joked, ignoring that she just poured the sticky concoction of thoughts and feelings all over me.

I don’t like that bit, not sure why. It doesn’t make a great deal of sense.

how similar our senses of humors are

Badly phrased.

What if the tress

Stress

That would change an orange, warm Autumn I adore, into a brisk, cold Winter I can never endure.

Very poetic!

Okay, so this sounds like I hate it, but I don’t and I don’t usually like romantic fiction, so you did something right! Your characters are easy to identify with, and they will be easy to sustain, we as readers will enjoy watching their personalities and feelings develop. I find myself wanting to know more about your characters. Is it just maths Wyatt struggles with? If not, is it because of the teacher, or because he’s never been good at it? How old is he? How old is the teacher? How old is Willow? So many questions, which is good, keep the reader hooked! I think this chapter could be excellent with a bit of work. This seemed quite harsh, but I did like it, or else I wouldn’t have reviewed it, or spent so long reviewing it! I think this has a lot of potential, so keep writing! Now onto chapter 2! That is if you aren’t annoyed with my review, I honestly don’t want you to think I was being mean, just want you to get this perfect!

~ Roon

By the way, Roon, I meant "Twenty-pound bag" as in the weight of the bag, not the price. I am American, we use dollars here, and the story also takes place in America.