They have spoken.

Hey all! This will be my second piece that I've uploaded.
Basically I had this idea one evening when I was out walking.
In my head the idea was much longer and more vivid than what you will find below.
I'm actually quite disappointed with how it's turned out but I figured I'd upload it anyway, hope you enjoy it!
_________________________________________________________________________________________________


You are a raindrop,
Falling,
Amongst many,
Towards a similar goal,
A similar end,

Unavoidable.

The Wind, fate,
Guides you on your path,
Your path which crosses,
The paths of the others.

The Earth, beckons you,
You plummet, regardless,
Knowing your fate.

The journey, your destination,
Is inevitable,
The path you take,
Is not.

The path may be changed,
Edited,
By external forces,
You, however, have no control,
No influence, as to the direction of your path.

The Wind, pushes you toward, or away from,
What you want,
What you have come to know as fact.

The end.
You, and the others,
Have reached your fate.
The pool that forms, is Death.

Fire, the Sun, heats the pool,
The Water, evaporates, rises,
To fall again.

The Spirits of the Elements have spoken,
They have informed us,
Of their part.
Wind, Fate, our guide,
Earth, Destiny, our end,
Fire, Life, our redemption.

We each play a part,
Each as insignificant as the other,
But not them,
The Spirits,
Posses complete control.

They have spoken.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________


It all feels a bit unstructured and not very flowey, I thought, perhaps one day I'll remember it in its original state .

Reviews are received with many thanks!

Thanks for reading, Carl.

MindYourHead wrote:Hey all! This will be my second piece that I've uploaded.
Basically I had this idea one evening when I was out walking.
In my head the idea was much longer and more vivid than what you will find below.
I'm actually quite disappointed with how it's turned out but I figured I'd upload it anyway, hope you enjoy it!
_________________________________________________________________________________________________


You are a raindrop,
Falling,
Amongst many,
Towards a similar goal,
A similar end,

Unavoidable.

Okay, so this is a cliche idea. Which I've been noticing a lot of lately. A person compared to something Plus, you're using a show, not tell method. We need imagery, and substance. Instead of TELLING me that I'm a raindrop SHOW me that I'm a raindrop.

The Wind, fate,
Guides you on your path,
Your path which crosses,
The paths of the others.

Again, you have little to no imagery, your flow is really fractured. Instead of reading this smoothly, imagine that each line break denotes a hard pause. So, your verses would sound as such:

The Wind, fate
-PAUSE-
Guides you on your path
-PAUSE-
Your path with crosses
-PAUSE-
The paths of others.

Okay, so if you read that aloud, it sounds quite bad, especially the repetition of Path.

The Earth, beckons you,
You plummet, regardless,
Knowing your fate.

The journey, your destination,
Is inevitable,
The path you take,
Is not.

Okay, same as above.
You lack imagery and your theme is really boring. I find myself drowsing slightly as I read this. There's just nothing to catch me. No witty or sharp diction, and something just... lacks.

The path may be changed,
Edited,
By external forces,
You, however, have no control,
No influence, as to the direction of your path.

The Wind, pushes you toward, or away from,
What you want,
What you have come to know as fact.

The end.
You, and the others,
Have reached your fate.
The pool that forms, is Death.

Fire, the Sun, heats the pool,
The Water, evaporates, rises,
To fall again.

The Spirits of the Elements have spoken,
They have informed us,
Of their part.
Wind, Fate, our guide,
Earth, Destiny, our end,
Fire, Life, our redemption.

We each play a part,
Each as insignificant as the other,
But not them,
The Spirits,
Posses complete control.

They have spoken.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________


It all feels a bit unstructured and not very flowey, I thought, perhaps one day I'll remember it in its original state .

Reviews are received with many thanks!

Thanks for reading, Carl.

Okay, I hate not finishing critiques, but really, if you take the advice I gave you in the first few verses and apply them throughout the poem, and with your future pieces, you may get a decent poem.

If I finished the whole thing, it would just be a regurgitation of what I said before.

Wish you nothing but the best of lukc.

Hello, and thank you for your review!

Personally, I thought this poem was absolutely brilliant, the imagery you present is compelling, and rather beautiful. The rather chilling last line is wonderful and is a fantastic way to end such a poem. Your writing style is artistic and it grabs the reader, pulling them into the poem. It illustrates how life is just one big cycle and that you can’t always get out of life what you want. To me it doesn’t just mean raindrops falling, it tells me how all people live their lives in the same fashion, often thinking that they are different, but in reality they are all doing the same thing, and will end up the same way. I personally think this poem is a fantastic piece, that shows how little control we really have, and how life can be both fragile and fleeting. I would love to see more of you work, as I feel that this would be a personal triumph to me, and therefore should be to you!

I feel that the poem flows really well, and I think your use of enjambment is well executed and sustains the readers interest throughout. The short lines break up the text so the reader isn’t confronted by the poem, but can relax into it. I think that your use of language isn’t too flamboyant as to be melodramatic, but isn’t too understated to not fit the mood of the poem, overall I really enjoyed reading this and hope to see more soon!

Thank you for providing us with the pleasure to read this!

~ Roon

The idea of this poem was fantastic and so was the way you brought it out.

The concept of people being compared to raindrops really makes us feel weak and helpless about our final destiny-death.The whole idea of predetermined destiny was strongly shown in this poem.Raindrops also made me think of how similar we are to each other and how we just copy the crowd.

The only possible flaw present in this poem was that it was broken and needs smoother rhythm.Try working on that.

Overall,great poem.Keep such stuff coming.