Unclaimed [Prologue]

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A/N: So the plot isn't very clear on this prologue, but if I do decide to post the first chapter it will get much clearer. Thanks for reading!

Unclaimed -- Prologue
by Kat

Jared rushed through the crowd of people walking on the same sidewalk he did, making him frustrated at how much time it took to take ten steps. I'm late! I'm freaking darn late! Nothing else was on his mind but his boss, sitting on the head chair of the oval table in conference room number five. Jared could even predict his expression: a grumpy one. Mr. Levinstrom was a very impatient man, so leaving him waiting definitely was not the best idea.
Everything had gone wrong that morning. Jared's alarm clock, that was set to half past seven a.m, never played its annoying wake up sound. His eyes flashed open a couple of minutes after eight o'clock.
"Oh my God!" He had shouted, staring at the clock on his modern wood bedside table. He kicked the sheets aside, and jumped out of the design bed. His whole apartment was based on the design concept, having furniture, what some could think, with very modern lines. He slipped into his suit, leaving some creases on the coat due to the rush, and continued the fanzine of getting ready for work, running between the bedroom and the bathroom, mumbling death threats to anything and anyone that would make him later to the 8:30 meeting. Especially threats directed to his alarm clock.
He had missed his ride to the office, and then he tried to catch a cab, but the traffic was impossible. He stared, worried, at his Armani watch, glaring at the minute's pointer slowly passing and the cab wasn't moving. He gave out a few bills to the cab driver, and ran off to the street.
The faces of unknown people passed him quickly, as he pushed his way through the vast sea of people. The office was just three blocks away. He turned left for a short cut, and, to his luck, the street had a quarter of the people the previous one had. He was able to move faster and as he got closer to the street that led to the office, his pace slowed down. He had fifteen minutes. After all, he was going to make it to the meeting in time.
He continued walking, his eyes traveling between the trees with golden and red leaves, early Autumn trees, and the windows of the shops. His pace slowed down as he walked past a pastry, the shop windows full with deliciously good-looking cakes and such. His mouth got wetter, and his stomach did back flips and growled, reminding him that he hadn't eaten anything since yesterday's dinner -- a sandwich and an apple, at the office.
His life was restricted to the office. He would even sleep there, if it wasn't against the rules. Sometimes, he only reached his bed after midnight. Jared's life had changed so much! No more parties, hangouts or even going to the movies.
He closed his right hand into a fist, and continued walking. Food would have to wait until the meeting was over. The next building was a house, with a double blue door, that was flashed open.
"But I'm bored!" Jared heard someone complain from inside the building. He continued walking, despite the fact that he believed he had heard that voice somewhere before. That was when he stopped his pace abruptly, emotions and hope filling him, confusing his thoughts. When he put a name to the voice, his heart tripped and fell, missing a beat.
Jared turned swiftly around, running back to the door. His steps were insecure and too quick, he was too confused to walk straight. He stopped by grabbing the door roughly, and panting. The girl leaning over the counter, and the woman behind the counter were staring at him.
Auburn hair, brown eyes. He was right. It was her. Mel! He screamed to himself, his voice apparently failing.
Last edited by *writewatiwant* on Tue Jul 21, 2009 6:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Hey Kat! I'm here to review! :D

Nit-Picks:

Specially threats directed to his alarm clock.

You should put an apostrophe in front of "specially" to show that it's informal, or just change it to 'especially'.

His eyes flashed open a couple of minutes after eight o'clock.

I personally don't like that your explaining your eyes as "flashing" open. I think maybe having his eyes pop open would work better.

His pace slowed down as he walked past by a pastry, the shop windows full with deliciously good looking cakes and such.

Do you mean he passed a pastry shop? Also, "good looking" should be good-looking.

His mouth got wetter, and his stomach did back flips and growled, reminding him that he hadn't ate anything since yesterday's dinner -- a sandwich and an apple, at the office.

"Ate" should be eaten.

No more parties, hang outs or even going to the movies.

"Hang outs" is supposed to be just one word, so it's hangouts.

He continued walking, despise the fact that he believed he had heard that voice somewhere.

Change "despise" to despite. Also, I understand he heard the voice somewhere, but are you saying that he heard it somewhere before? That's what it sounds like... just add 'before' after "somewhere" or explain that the voice sounded familiar.

He stopped by grabbing the door, roughly, and panting.

The first comma is unnecessary.

Character Development:

I haven't really seen a specific personality from your MC, other than that he's fed up with his boring and repetitive lifestyle. Going more in-depth on that in your next chapter is something I'll look forward to seeing. I mean, this whole prologue you've talked about him and his life, but his actions are really going to be what gives his personality away when he's interacting with other characters in your story.

Story-Line So Far:

I think I can see where this is going. She's a high-school sweetheart, right? Maybe a long lost love he decided to leave at college? Or maybe even a cheerleader he never had the guts to speak to because he was too much of a nerd? I want a surprise! Can I expect one in the next chapter?

Overall:

I like the story, but there's more that I'll be waiting to see. I'd like to see who Mel is... PM me when you have chapter one up! :D
Got YWS?

You judge others upon their actions, but you judge yourself by your intention.




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I agree with the comments that Seleneforeverdream said, most of the problems with this is that, like you said it is a bit unclear, but can be cleaned up nicely if you just rewrite a bit of the story. I feel like yes, the reader doesn't get much information, but you don't want to give away a lot in the preface, so I think you did well on that. This kept the reader entertained, and looking forward to what might come next in this story. Keep up the good work!
~Caleigh

"We sit and listen and are enthralled anew, for good stories, it seems, never lose their magic." - Libba Bray




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You're right, the plot is a little bit unclear but it sounds like its going to be a great story. The last few paragraphs really caught my attention and I just can't wait to find out what happened next. Keep writing and PM me when you add more!




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*writewatiwant* wrote:Jared rushed through the crowd of people walking on the same sidewalk he did [seems redundant because he's rushing through them], making him frustrated at how much time it took to take ten steps. I'm late! I'm freaking darn [ "darn" seems a little odd for a grown man to think, unless it's a character thing.] late!



*writewatiwant* wrote:
"Oh my God!" He had shouted, staring at the clock on his modern wood bedside table. He kicked the sheets aside, and jumped out of the design bed [what's that?]. His whole apartment was based on the design concept, having furniture, what some could think ["what some could think" sounds odd there], with very modern lines. He slipped into his suit, leaving some creases on the coat due to the rush, and continued the fanzine [frenzie?] of getting ready for work, running between the bedroom and the bathroom, mumbling death threats to anything and anyone that would make him later [more late] to the 8:30 meeting. Especially threats directed to his alarm clock. [that last sentence probably isn't needed]



*writewatiwant* wrote:He continued walking, his eyes traveling between the trees with golden and red leaves, early Autumn trees, and the windows of the shops. His pace slowed down as he walked past a pastry [shop], the shop windows full with deliciously good-looking cakes and such. His mouth got wetter, and his stomach did back flips and growled, reminding him that he hadn't eaten anything since yesterday's dinner -- a sandwich and an apple, at the office.
We've got a fantasy affair
We didn’t get wet. We didn’t dare.
Our aspirations are wrapped up in books
Our inclinations are hidden in looks
(Wrapped Up In Books- Belle and Sebastian)



Maybe what most people wanted wasn't immortality and fame, but the reassurance that their existence had meant something. No matter how long... or how brief. Maybe being eternal meant becoming a story worth telling.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality