Pain Insane

Pain Insane

Stabbed through the heart
piercing every bit of hope
and all that remained
was memories that were cold

feeling like death is the new life
because of the hurt inside
tears rolling down cherry colored cheeks
leaving no way for the feelings to hide

cut with a butter knife is irrelevant
instead a dagger with a sharp blade
even that could not explain
the pain felt at direct aim

sorrow, tears, pain, and disbelief
mourning, anger, unforgiveness, and cries
are all of the feelings that have been and still remain inside
behind these brown eyes

Kayla Shenese Mckoy copyright ©2009

Hi KayWurdz! I’m octo, nice to meet you. Just to start off, I like the title for this poem. It’s quirky and interesting. So now let’s dive into the actual poem, shall we?

Stabbed through the heart

This introduction is great! ‘Stabbed through the heart’ isn’t a particularly new phrase, but it starts off the poem in an appropriate way.

was memories that were cold

Whether it is in poetry or prose, remember to stay away from passive voice. The English language has a massive vocabulary, so writers should always take advantage of it and use powerful words! I think something like ‘were (as a side note, it should be were, not was, since it talks about the plural) frostbitten memories’. I’m sure you will find something you like better than what you have here.

feeling like death is the new life
because of the hurt inside
tears rolling down cherry colored cheeks
leaving no way for the feelings to hide

In general, I’m just confused about this whole stanza. “Death is the new life”? It sounds like it could be promising, but you don’t elaborate so I have no idea what you mean, exactly. You might want to try another word besides ‘cherry-colored’. There’s something about that that I find bouncy and upbeat, which doesn’t quite fit a poem titled ‘Pain Insane’.

cut with a butter knife is irrelevant
instead a dagger with a sharp blade
even that could not explain
the pain felt at direct aim

I feel that a bit of metaphor or simile or some other literary tool would be useful here. While I understand this person hurt the narrator of the poem, I’m not sure as to what they did. Play around a bit. Was it simply losing interest? Were they unfaithful? Did they change? Again, I find this stanza too vague for my tastes. I’m not sure what you mean by all of this. They seem like pretty phrases that front a deeper meaning.

sorrow, tears, pain, and disbelief
mourning, anger, unforgiveness, and cries
are all of the feelings that have been and still remain inside
behind these brown eyes

I don’t like the simple listing of emotions here. It would be nice if you added more to the poem and elaborated on all of these feeling. Just listing them off like a grocery list feels flat. But if you want to keep it the way it is (since this is your poem and whatever you feel is best probably is best), I recommend cutting out ‘tears’, ‘cries’, and ‘unforgiveness’. The first two are repetitive and they aren’t emotions while the last one isn’t a word. I’m not sure if ‘behind these brown eyes’ is the strongest way to end the poem. It glaringly reminds me of Kelly Clarkson’s song ‘Behind These Hazel Eyes’ and I’ve seen the phrase around, so it’s not too original. The end and the beginning are key components, and the reader should be left with something that lingers in their thoughts.

Also, one glaring things that appeared throughout the poem was the lack of punctuation. With a properly placed comma or semicolon, your poem may change drastically. Just read it out loud: wherever you find yourself pausing, stopping, or feeling cut off, place a punctuation mark. You’ll find what works best quickly, trust me.

I liked the poem, and it does touch on the pains of heartbreak. With some embellishment, you’ll really dig into the quieter parts and find something new about heartbreak that you never realized before.

Best of luck,
octo

Stabbed through the heart
piercing every bit of hope
and all that remained
was memories that were cold

This stanza doesn't really make sense. Each line presents an idea with a similar theme to the previous one, but no obvious connection. They just don't seem to fit together properly.

feeling like death is the new life
because of the hurt inside
tears rolling down cherry colored cheeks
leaving no way for the feelings to hide

cut with a butter knife is irrelevant
instead a dagger with a sharp blade
even that could not explain
the pain felt at direct aim

Once again, no obvious relationship between lines.

sorrow, tears, pain, and disbelief
mourning, anger, unforgiveness, and cries
are all of the feelings that have been and still remain inside
behind these brown eyes

This stanza makes the most sense out of the four you have written, but it still lacks the rhythm and feeling that make poetry poetry.

Poetry was once defined as a piece of writing that expresses emotion so deep that it carries on to the writer. I'm sorry to say it but this poem just doesn't do it for me. You use a lot of flowery words and descriptions, but the poem lacks emotion and feeling.

Part of the reason you weren't able to express as much emotion as you might have wished is because there are a few flaws in the structuring of your poem, namely:
1) Punctuation is important in poetry because it helps the writer to dictate the rhythm and flow of the piece, to show the reader where to pause. It also helps make the poem easier to read, organizing it into a structured piece rather than a random collection of thoughts. Your poem has no punctuation, which disrupts the flow and makes it harder to understand.
2) Many of your stanzas have extreme variation in the number of syllables per line. This makes it read less smoothly and detracts from the overall quality of the piece.

Also, the title is a little cheesy. You might consider changing it.

Sorry if I was a little harsh in editing your piece. I enjoyed reading it and can't wait to see more. Keep writing!

It's cute, even though it's depressing. Sorry, no time to edit, but I basicly agree with meggy and octo! This is good for your first piece, and I really like the general plot! Peace out! 0(o.o)0