The World is a Circus

hi. poem is deleted. i won't be using this account anymore in young writers.
see you around.


thanks for the four who reviewed. _

Hiya Medrol and welcome to the wonderful world of YWS! I'm Selene *shakes hand* and it's wonderful to meet you. ^^

Here on YWS we have a few rules:

~ Please review to pieces of work before submitting your own. This is a very important rule here and it's the 2:1 ratio of reviewing and submitting work. So please review work as soon as possible, because if you don't critique other people's work, who's going to critique yours?

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~ Please rate your work. If there is mature content, like the F-word or sex scenes, please rate it R and so on.

Okay, on to the review!

Nit-Picks:

The curtains are pulled up and we’re on the stage

The music starts playing, here comes the parade!

After 'stage' there should be some sort of punctuation, preferably a semicolon.

With its flames and lions and the world-sized cage.

'World-sized' should be 'world-size'.

Faces of waxes start to melt – be warned.

'Waxes' should just be wax.

Be not fooled by a character’s meager, nor weakest look

Behind the mask lies a deadly, monstrous crook.

As I see it, a word like for or because should be placed before 'behind'. It adds to the flow and then you can put a comma in after 'look'.

How the solemn voice and the seductive body deduct --

your shallow breath and inspire your lust.

Fix your second sentence, because it doesn't make much sense. You could possibly replace 'inspire your lust' with stirred lust.

To think that the circus is safe place to hide.

Insert 'a' between 'is' and 'safe'.

And from some other view you will see the remnants of the old,

Like an out of favored circus, how rusty old world closed.

'Out of favored' should be out-of-favored. Also, 'how rusty old world circus' should be changed to something different, like an 'a rusty world closed'. I'm just throwing out ideas, you can do what you like with it.

Punctuation:

Check over your punctuation, because you seemed to have some of it in the beginning, but then became sparsely showing. It's lacking in some parts, so look it over yourself and you'll see what I mean.

Without punctuation, readers won't know when to pause or stop while reading. It's very important within a poem, so make sure you keep up with it. After all, practice makes perfect.

Flow:

It seemed to flow better in some areas than in others. Count your beats to make sure each line has a steady rhythm with another. That way it'll be even more enjoyable to read, and it'll improve this poem greatly.

Overall:

I enjoyed reading this poem and I like the concept you have behind it. Metaphorically speaking, the world is a circus and you captured the essence of it quite well. You built up some drama in the beginning and then slowly went to the out-dated circus. It reminded me of life in general, and how everything is exciting and new at first, but eventually it turns to dust.

Keep at it! I hope to see more of your poetry in the future. If you have any questions, PM me.

Hello, hello. I'm Knightly, nice to meet ya. I'm not very good at reviewing works, honestly. Often, I just give my impression of the work, as a common reader and as a writer. Hope it helps even slightly.

Now, review: a commendation on your use of words. Bravo! Excellent rhythm and rhyming yet still you manage to invoke this breathtaking atmosphere to your poem. Like someone breathing heavily in excitement, in a circus, amidst the bustle and noise. Your rhythm wasn't spot on perfect. It faltered here and there but still I find it excellent because the length of this poem and the strength of the images you produce is so strong so a faltering rhythm is fine as long as the strength of the poem does not diminish as a result of it.

Although, if you could, fix up the rhythm. Count the beats per line or just read this out loud and make sure that if flows flawlessly. It will add greatly to this poem.

Lovely. Keep writing.

--knightly

Fun poem!

The rhyming is good but the pattern is this and that.

The first two stanzas are the same pattern, then you abandon it in the rest. Then in the last two stanzas lines 1 and 2 rhyme. Did you do this on purpose?


The poem works out in the end just fine, but being me, I can't help but notice.

The music will go on and the party will not die
Throughout the time you will hear everyone’s cry

Nice!

overall, I really like the poem.

Keep on writing

everyone else, has spotted the errors, but other than that it is very good.

a solid piece of work

has all the elements needed

and I really like the rhyming

well done