Transient and unformed.

Transient and unformed

I'm not a poet, a writer,
a story-teller, a falsifier,
a leader, a follower,
a friend, an enemy,
a fighter, a lover--no, definitely, not a lover.

I've only dreamt about loving--
Passionate stories of men and women chasing after their desired “one.”
I’ve only dreamt of the tender caress of someone’s mouth on my mouth.
I’m only ever dreaming.

Half fulfilled and half wanting,
I sometimes feel I’ve had my fill of the world.
I sometimes feel I want nothing of it.

But I do want.
I want to feel everything but discontent.
I want understanding of pleasures incomprehensible.
I want to be a glutton of experience.
Then, I will turn my head to the heavens and laugh and
yell with wicked abandon,
“You can take me now, my friend, for I have feasted and I have been satisfied.”

And then I will be exalted in the arms of my father
And he will be pleased.
“You have known what I have known,”
He will tell me and touch my cheek
And I will not weep as I do now.
I will cast aside his form and sit triumphantly as a king.
And he will love me.

All will love me.
And I will be pleased.

Yatta! wrote:
I'm not a poet, a writer,
a story-teller, a falsifier,
a leader, a follower,
a friend, an enemy,
a fighter, a lover--no, definitely[s],[/s] not a lover.

A poet is a lover? Wow, haven't really thought of that. However, you have got to do something with the "--no, definitely not a lover" part of the last verse. It's too long. Oh, and that comma shouldn't suppose to be there, although you can leave it there and say that's a pause in the poem(or in the verse), but why do you want a pause in such a long verse?

Yatta! wrote:I’ve only dreamt of the tender caress of someone’s mouth on my mouth.

Come on! Really? Mouth on my mouth? It's refreshing from all those love clichés, but seriously-that raw?

Yatta! wrote:Half fulfilled and half wanting,
[s]I sometimes feel [/s]I’ve had my fill of the world.
[s]I sometimes feel [/s]I want nothing of it.

Okay, you sometimes feel-we got it. Remove one part.

Yatta! wrote:But I do want.
I want to feel everything but discontent.
I want understanding of pleasures incomprehensible.
I want to be a glutton of experience.
Then, I will turn my head to the heavens and laugh and
yell with wicked abandon,
“You can take me now, my friend, for I have feasted and I have been satisfied.”

Basically, starting a verse with a conjunction is a bad start. On the other hand, starting a stanza with a conjunction...well...it's terrible (Unless you're using it for some enumeration to emphasize that something).
Then you've got the repetition again which I don't like and again the direct speech which is too long.


I love your end, so egoistic, but never mind, I absolutely love it.

O hai. ^^

I suck at reviewing and writing poetry, but the only way to get better is to practise so I'm afraid you're my guinea pig of the moment.

I liked this poem, I liked the voice of it, but it seemed to be about too much. Like, the narrator started talking about how they weren't a poet or a storyteller, then went on about how they didn't get much out of the world. It didn't seem connected, and as the first two stanza were by far the best, I was a bit disappointed by the end because you'd left that first subject.

Also:

I've only dreamt about loving--

Passionate stories of men and women chasing after their desired “one.”

I’ve only dreamt of the tender caress of someone’s mouth on my mouth.

I’m only ever dreaming.

I didn't like the bolded parts. The first bolded part doesn't sound quite right. I don't know what's wrong with it exactly, but it doesn't feel right. It doesn't quite fit with the first line. The second bolded part is repetition: icky and awkward. And, really, that's the worst but perhaps most honest way to describe a kiss I've ever heard. Writers are supposed to kid people that gross things are actually enjoyable.

Hi to put it simply I loved it! It was very good and I can access what you mean instantly. I've know things like that to go on in my life and you got all that emotion right in there in a perfect balance.All I'd say is that at the end it says's that the character will be 'pleased'. But I thought that this person would be more than pleased to have found what they search for. It does work, don't get me wrong; but maybe play around with some other words. Keep writing
Moonstar x