Josephsdotter

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stairsteps up, each labeled like specimens
each promising a new plateau
where a name sits, in company of
a date of birth, of death, of christening –
your life before me, simplified like a fraction.

the weevils have gnawed you down to dates
and a few stories.

crinkly, suffering pages of an old bible
which you used to own, lie spoiled and aged and used
and you have marked the margins
with a red pencil. your handwriting is a shaky, splintered,
precise spider, weaving up the dry, godly words.

you smell of seatravel and
teabags.

I sit here, you are in front of me, and you are a stranger – we have never met.
the pages of your old pedigree have turned yellow, like deserters
and I can't tell whether we are ascending
or descending (though in the picture of you with the solemn dress
and the knuckled brooch you are looking down, towards me).

there, your eyes hang blue and lidded:
premature honeysuckles.

and I think I can hear you
through the date-orchard of born and died and baptized.
I can feel the tough dress material, the plowhandles, the kneaded bread
and the new heel-callouses, forming wordlessly.
I can taste the homegrown, 100% American vegetable crop

and I can see the same roosting, northern moon
which lights up your faraway eyes under the cracked glass

like an arsonist.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Kylan,

Guess what? You won't believe it. Neither do I, but it's happening. I understand this poem. I know, right? It's crazy. I can't believe it! With that aside...

This was a very nice poem. Considering that I understand the message in this poem, I think that you did well with your theme and topic. It was conveyed nicely, and I didn't have any problems with it. There were a couple stanzas that I really enjoyed.

stairsteps up, each labeled like specimens

each promising a new plateau

where a name sits, in company of

a date of birth, of death, of christening –

your life before me, simplified like a fraction.


This was an excellent beginning. I like the word stairsteps, and how it clues in with a pedigree chart. When I first read this poem, I didn't understand the fourth line, "a date of birth, of death, of chirening -" That, for the first time read-through, was a huge hint as to what the poem was about. But it wasn't until this stanza:

I sit here, you are in front of me, and you are a stranger – we have never met.

the pages of your old pedigree have turned yellow, like deserters

and I can't tell whether we are ascending

or descending (though in the picture of you with the solemn dress

and the knuckled brooch you are looking down, towards me).


that I finally grasped what concept you were trying to get through to me. I think, but I'm not quite sure, that eliminating the bold word would make this poem a little harder to get through, but make it better because it wouldn't be plainly obvious either.

-

I like this poem. It's definitely one of my favorites. I love some of the descriptions that you used in this. Although I didn't quote it up there, I loved the Bible paragraph. It was detailed nicely. It gave us hints that this woman (I'm supposing the person is a woman in this poem??) was a very Christian woman. I don't know. I thought that was a nice little detail.

Good job with this, Kylan. It's nice to read poems written by you. You're one of my favorite poets, and when I attempt to write them, your writing comes in handy to study the format and wording. Thanks for all the help you've given me.

-Jared
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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Hi Kylan! June here!

So sorry for taking so long to get to this. :P

I love this. It's so beautiful, and very peaceful-- compared to your other poems, I found it rather simple, too. The only nitpick I have on this is:

I can taste the homegrown, 100% American vegetable crop


It kind of seems like vegetable is unnecessary here, because it seemingly limits the span of this poem, if that makes any sense at all. Like, if you have it as crop, it can cover a lot more metaphorical things than vegetables. :P I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all; hope I'm not confusing you.

The rest of the lines of this poem have an even, free flowing read to them, but when we come to this 4-syllable word, it kind of halts the even flow? That being said, it's not a bad thing; I just wanted to point that out.

Other than that (and even with that) I love this poem. It's impossible to critique, but it's wonderful with all the little touches of ancestry and descendants-- it's perfect.

Fabulous job here, dear,

Juniper ;)
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter




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What? I felt like dining on your poetry this evening. So sue me. <3 Hopefully you can still use some suggestions on this poem. -crosses fingers-

where a name sits, in company of

a date of birth, of death, of christening –


The phrase 'in company of' seems like it's rather wordy, actually. Maybe 'next to', because 'sitting next to' is a more common phrase, and it would express the same idea. 'With' is maybe too vague, so I think that 'next to' would be the best choice!

your life before me, simplified like a fraction.


I like the potential ambiguity in this line, but if it wasn't intentional, I don't know which meaning you had in mind. 'before' could either signify that the life and evidence of the life is lying 'before' as in 'in front of' the narrator, who is looking through the book. However, it could also mean that the life came before the narrator, right? I hope you meant to have both meanings. I love it.

the weevils have gnawed you down to dates

and a few stories.


This is beautiful. It sets a dilapidated tone with very few words. Fantastic.

with a red pencil. your handwriting is a shaky, splintered,

precise spider, weaving up the dry, godly words.


I do not understand how handwriting can be shaky and precise at the same time. If, by precise, you meant that the pencil point was precise, sharpened {basically, thin}, maybe use a different word to communicate that. Emaciated, perhaps, though that's a very intense word, it kind of sticks with the tone, I think. -shrugs- Something like that. =D

you smell of seatravel and

teabags.


Marry me.

I sit here, you are in front of me, and you are a stranger – we have never met.

the pages of your old pedigree have turned yellow, like deserters

and I can't tell whether we are ascending

or descending (though in the picture of you with the solemn dress

and the knuckled brooch you are looking down, towards me).


I feel like especially in the beginning of this section, that you expose too much of this poem. First of all, we remember the description of the worn, aged, pages, and if you really wanted to slip our lovely yellow in there, maybe in that earlier group you'd find a better place for it. I think, basically, that you can cut the whole second line of this and stick to the image of relative placement.

I don't really like the fact that you break away from images that could be anywhere, and place the narrator in a definite place. Now he's /sitting/ somewhere, rather than just being somewhere with the book and the thoughts. Maybe you'd consider reworking that. ^_^

there, your eyes hang blue and lidded:

premature honeysuckles.


Honeysuckles are my favorite. This just makes me wonder if you've actually researched the flower and if you know what they look like when they're young and how that relates to this comparison. For now, though, I'll take your word on it, though I don't know that they'd be blue. The way the line flows, it seems like 'blue and lidded' is a phrase that sticks together and thus both the color and the other adjective are compared to the honeysuckle. -shrugs- But without blue, it don't flow as well. I have no idea what to do about that. xD

and I can see the same roosting, northern moon

which lights up your faraway eyes under the cracked glass



like an arsonist.


Roosting. Rooster. Brings a sort of rustic, red touch to the last section, which prepares the reader for the 'arson' of the VERY last line. Kind of. The imagery here is beautiful, but it gets shattered, cracked like the glass by the mysterious ending. What is the point of the ending? I hope you put that there to make the reader wonder that very same thing, because I cannot connect it to any purpose. Does it add a tone of distaste or purpose to the narrators description? Is he going to go burn all the paper and orchards now? Ahhh. Must think more about it.

This is a lovely poem, and if there's a secret locked away in that last line, it might also make up for the fact that nothing really happens in the poem. I love the description, though. It's beautiful, so that little taste of action at the end might just make this fantastic.

PM me, of course, with questions!

-Hannah-
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants
are you a green room knight yet?
have you read this week's Squills?




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Hello there, Kylan. The name of your piece caught my eye, It had the odor of history about it; it'd be right next to Johansson, Jonasdotter...For me, it was perfect. It set me up.

Rolling on.
The odd thing about this piece, the bit that made it enticingly creepy, was the color blue. Everything else is starched, faded, dilapidated – and out juts the terrible blue flame. It gave me a hunted feeling that tempts me to believe you a cynic – so far as the speaking perspective of this poem goes.
But it irked me a little too, took me out of the atmosphere reading your piece had created… How does a sienna photograph reveal to you that her eyes are blue? Obviously blue eyes are hereditary, so that’s a clue.

Also, in the line: “you smell of seatravel and teabags.” I loved the curiosity of ‘sea travel’ as one word. While obviously not a portmanteau word, it had that same feel of whimsy.

A very semi-nostalgic piece, but as I previously stated, so cynical. It married affection and something darker in a bed with a bundling board.

Very well written.
My main dislike in your writing, and by this I mean something that I didn’t just absolutely love –but, that’s the beauty of poetry, was in S1L4. I didn’t like the sounds of all the ofs, but with less it was even worse.

I'd like to know, where did the inspiration for this come from?

-M.
Where there is No Love, there is No Question.

A dream shared becomes reality, a dream alone is a nightmare.

"She tastes lyke raiyn
and sumtimes kiwi-fruit;
and wunce...
she tasted lyke a pen-ny." <3



if ya mention chickens, i have to show up, that is the law.
— alliyah