SOS

This is written in my own open verse form. Please, read it aloud slowly and fall into the rhythm.
I'm not concerned about punctuation, this piece is a mass of run on sentences. For me, grammar and punctuation are something you learn, learn to love, and love to leave. Style is something personal to play with. You wouldn't want a complete stranger fixing your coffee, now would you?


silence for the heart that sings,
the mute man's mile,
brings bandages and mysterious green
that turns the tiller towards tomorrow
an insatiable tomorrow - Oh when!
Words drip wet, weighty and worthless,
turning to steer towards torment,
the chilly lord of the word, lips n' tongue
the bitter captain of broken unspoken
unsatisfied, but on board, salty splintered
from sirens singing,
"Sail bayward, sail bayward!"
and the sweet temptation, crashlanding
unhanding, towards a shallow dam,
then would the mast be tended?

Oh, heart - waning heart,
sinking with the need to be unmuted,
nor more refuted and freed, mended,
kinks unbended - core undiluted
holes pickled and tarred, raw,
but comprehended, sweet n' true undefended
Ropes undone, hemp blended, reset
relations retied and retried, remembered
Sails set loose, heavy skyward

pray deep for
drink deep for
and weep for
dream of this
think of this

yet, this heart sails inward
not outward, deceptive safe
hell bent toward
cargo deep, it's death for -
shape and wood ache and creek
banished from land, haunting green
sodden, keen ever keep,
silent seep, over and ever
not landing, nor healing
sealed, cursed, sold to the sea
never unloaded, relieved

once merry a ship sinks
drop in the wind
silent, bent, braved,
singing - hush, hush, insane.

Oooooh, nice work.

Mandorelute wrote:Words drip wet, weighty and worthless,

God I love alliteration.

Mandorelute wrote:salty splintered
from sirens singing,
"Sail bayward, sail bayward!"

And yet again!!

Mandorelute wrote:Oh, heart - waning heart,
sinking with the need to be unmuted,
nor more refuted and freed, mended,
kinks unbended - core undiluted
holes pickled and tarred, raw,
but comprehended, sweet n' true undefended

Did you mean "no more refuted"?
That line is very confusing, can't seem to puzzle it out.

I enjoy the sudden, bouncy rhyme in this stanza a great deal.

Now, how does one pickle holes I wonder?
Are you merely using the word because it feels like "picking"? It does have a sort of tearing sound, I suppose. But I am going to assume that's not at all what you mean, and suggest you find a substitute.

Mandorelute wrote:pray deep for
drink deep for
and weep for
dream of this
think of this

How discombobulated!!
Again, nice bobbing rhythm.
It carries a strong sense of desperation, need, and uncertainty, but I think you are somehow falling short of what you are trying to communicate. I could be totally wrong, but I feel like I am not given enough information here.

Mandorelute wrote:yet, this heart sails inward
not outward, deceptive safe
hell bent toward
cargo deep, it's death for -
shape and wood ache and creek
banished from land, haunting green
sodden, keen ever keep,
silent seep, over and ever
not landing, nor healing
sealed, cursed, sold to the sea
never unloaded, relieved

Nice stanza.
I like the re-referencing to the color green- makes my wheels turn.
You use a lot of feel words, as if you are trying to portray a great many sensations in a short amount of time, which you accomplish quite well. However, by clearing things up a bit, using a few less words, or being just a bit more structured, you would have a better chance of not losing the reader- me.

So, recap:
1. confusing

And..... that's it.

There is so much you are trying to convey in bite-size portions, I can hardly keep up. Your writing is clever enough, unique enough, eloquent enough, that I want to understand, and so I'm willing to battle with some of the weirdness. But I think your audience would greatly benefit from some vocab-dieting on your part, if you'll forgive the analogy. I by no means think that you should change your voice, just speak more clearly.

Love always,
BAB

PS. I wanna have a discussion about this piece later in person!! To make sure I understand its message.

Hai.

Not a constructive review as such, because as you said, I don't want to wreck your coffee , but I just wanna say that I enjoyed and appreciate this.

The only flaws possible would be in the rhyme: I think it could be a bit cluttered, the turning rhythm you generated by using rhyming words next to each other can get a bit twisted when done too frequently or with too much force. So mayve you could look for that.

But yahhh, very very good. More please

Sista Nuuk: Thank you. I'd be happy to discuss poetry, as long as it isn't just my poems we talk about.

Oh, heart - waning heart,
sinking with the need to be unmuted,
nor more refuted and freed, mended,
kinks unbended - core undiluted
holes pickled and tarred, raw,
but comprehended, sweet n' true undefended

I did choose to use nor, instead of no, but as erratik_statik pointed out, it's probably a bit too forceful in this instance.
Also, Pickle: To put in, or steep in brine, or sometimes with applications of salt. A way to treat fish. When fishing ships come in after the season, they are not only weighted down in the water too heavily with fish, but also with vats of "pickle" The ships are emptied of it when in port. It's nasty stuff, you can float a potato in it.

I'll go through this again and see what I can shave off. Hopefully that will help the poem become more clear.

erratik_statik: I've been checking out your work, and I will leave some critiques soon.

I certainly desire constructive critique, but not the cookie cutter sort. I want someone to tell me how the work was recieved, how I can write better, what they liked and didn't like, and WHY. If I have a poor use of punctuation, or a lot of typos, point that out - not every single typing error. I want the reader to be looking for meaning, not periods and commas.

On language: You're right, this piece needs to go on "vocab-diet", as Babanuuk says.


Thank you, both.

Ahhh. I should have known you would outsmart me.