Tick Tock

I see a girl staring at me
From her eyes stream tears
I reach out to comfort
But she reaches to block
Her eyes are pleading
I see she wants to be alone
Something tells me if I walk away
That will be the last of her I see
She wants to die
With no one by her side
I have an urge to stop her
To save her from herself
But her face says it all
Her mind is made
She is in a far off place
Where now she doth feel safe
She pulls a pillow to her face
Somehow manages to cease her breath
TICK TOCK
Minutes pass they seem like hours
TICK TOCK
She crumples gracefully to the floor
TICK TOCK
Face smothered
TICK TOCK
Unable to breathe
Tick Tock
...
tick tock
...



Sorry for any grammatical errors and typos. I'm relatively knew to poetry so don't be too harsh I would welcome some constructive criticism and thank you if you do comment

This was lovely - so sad and heartfelt! You had all of the emotion, but perhaps were unable to show it through your writing in places. This is good though - emotion is more important than writing skill; that can be learned. I have not typed out a list of suggested improvements. Instead i just changed it a little below. I know you are quite likely to disagree with a lot of the things I changed, but I hope it is of some use!
Reply and tell me what you think/ what you hate about it if you like



The girl's eyes turn towards me:

From them tumble tears.

But reaching out to comfort

my efforts are cast aside.

Those eyes are pleading

oh, just to be alone

But insticts told that to walk away

would be to part with their blue forever.

She wants to go

With no one by her side

No! I cannot let her!

I must save her from herself!

But her face betrays it all

Her mind is set.

She's gone away; far away

Where now she doth feel safe

She pulls a pillow to her face

Ne'er to sigh another breath

TICK TOCK

Minutes pass; they seem like hours

TICK TOCK

She crumples gracefully to the floor

TICK TOCK

her earthly burden smothered.

TICK TOCK

Thank you for your review I am grateful I like what you've done with the poem, it's nice to see another perspective. But the only thing I would say is it doesn't quite come across that the girl I see is me, maybe it doesn't in mine but that is how had thought of it. You have managed to convey alot of emotion which perhaps I have not I like it but I think I will keep it as it is because the words you have used don't quite fit with me but thank you for your post and I will try and learn for my other poems
(p.s. sorry for all the "buts" and any spelling mistakes)

Oh, that was so beautiful and very sad.^^ It was very descritptive and I could picture it perfectly.....It was very good.^^

Very sad, you nearly made this old stone cry, I could feel the sadness in every word of it.
It was a great poem.

Great job, keep up the good work.

Great work there.You brought out the emotions very well.

The poem has a great effect.

Keep up the good work!