Lilac's eyes (chapter eight)

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So this is actually chapter 8 part 1. See what you think....


Chapter 8

I sat still on the long green grass leaning against my oak tree. Watching each flower sway and strain with the pull of the wind was so peaceful. I no longer felt like where I was sitting was an everlasting reminder of Lilac, just my happy place. Every school day I would gaze at a dreary black board; scribbling down its content, mindless work. really I was here beneath the protecting branches. I spent so much time just wishing I was here. She moved through the thick grass, so smooth that her feet seemed like they never touched the earth.
She moved grace fully upwards, eyes meeting mine. Breathing deeply as she rested her head against my shoulder. Neither of us spoke, a voice would only interrupt the perfection that was all too noticeable. Instead I watched the field. The same wind that ruffled my hair was blowing paths in the flowers, stirring the colours.
She pulled herself up finally, sighing deeply. “So I've got the whole day free.” She hinted, a spark in her lilac eyes.
“Hmm, well I was suppose to do a bit of revision today, tidy the flat, meet Matt for a while.” Despite that actually being my plan she knew me too well than to think I would stick to it.
“So what do you want to do? I'd like to go back into your so called city. Yes, it may be the size of our villages but I'm interested to see what has changed.”
“I don't think you want to go into public. Not here, it's not...” I was more pleading than forceful but she got the message. She got the message but chose to ignore it.
“Is the shop on Forest Avenue still open?”
“There's protesters everywhere, you'll be chased out of town.”
She led the way, arm wrapped around my waist. I followed, flinching at every shadow, just hoping they wouldn't notice her. A tall, menacing man, with rough stubble and large brown eyes glared at me, a woman ushered her kids to the other side of the road.
The streets seemed darker, less colourful than normal. The brickwork so jumbled and crooked, the awkwardly placed trees, looming from the depths of gravel. I had never thought of it before but it was odd, the mix between nature and metal, as if nature was trying to regain control of the lands I had already lost. The towering buildings seemed so much smaller when you compared them to the taller chestnut trees.
There was a youth, about my age, hair colour the same but he looked so rough. It was Matt. He was gaping in horror at me, or was it disgust that lined his features? I walked towards him, my arms still firm around Lilac. He only stepped away. There was no brotherly friendship in his eyes. Somehow I understood exactly what he was feeling, somehow from knowing him as long as I had I was able to grasp his anger. This was confirmed by one brutal sentence. “We're still friends, just don't flaunt that in front of me again.” I turned, leading Lilac in the opposite direction.
The streets got darker and with that more menacing. It didn't feel like I was strolling through my friendly forest city, but an urban nightmare. A figure leant against a light post, it's shadow masking his face, his head shaven. Without the chocolate eyes I would not have realised his race. He glanced up, eyes for a second meeting mine, was there a glint visible in his eye?
Something about him stuck with me. Long after Lilac had left, back to her family I lay on my bed, mismatched eyes staring on the opposite wall. Something in his scruffy clothing, some spark in his eye, his head robbed of it's defining ursine feature. He seemed so determined, so good.

Thanks, now time for a review!!!
Last edited by MiriamHannah on Sat Jun 20, 2009 12:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment - Bill Bailey, can sometimes be seen scurrying towards a fast food outlet.




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I am so loving every minute of this! Just so you know, this is part of a chapter and not the whole thing. It doesn't feel like it's actually over... My god, you've really done it again. There were a few words in the beginning that were repeated but nothing too bad. By the way, where did Lilac get this confidence from? They just broke up! She should want to be really cudely and stuff wouldn't she? Well, I guess it's not in her character, but at least she should be unsure like that. You know... just a little worried, shy, maybe. I don't know. It's your story, so you know her best. Maybe she's not like that... I can't wait to get to know her! I loved this chapter! PM me for the next one, please!!!
"if you were waiting for the opportune moment... that was it." - Captain Jack Sparrow




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Ok, I accidentally put on the wrong part. I have been going through everything so thoroughly that I ended up writing a bit of chapter 8 as chapter 7. Will put chapter 7 on soooooon!!!!
I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment - Bill Bailey, can sometimes be seen scurrying towards a fast food outlet.




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Hello! :) sorry this review is so delayed!! I'm still enjoying your story, you have managed to maintain the stories interest for quite a while now and I know it's not all that easy to do so well done!! :D

I no longer felt like where I was sitting was an everlasting reminder of Lilac, just my happy place.


I'd mention something about the pain of the reminding of Lilac as from this it sounds like he doesn't want to be reminded of Lilac- when now he does it was just before :)

Every school day I would gaze at a dreary black board; scribbling down its content, mindless work. really I was here beneath the protecting branches.


I don't know about 'content', it sounded a bit out of place to me here. Maybe something about copying the chalk scrawlings on it or anything like that would be better? 'really' needs a capital 'R' and I get what you mean but I'd maybe add a bit more to say that he was there in his mind just to make it clear.

She moved grace fully upwards, eyes meeting mine. Breathing deeply as she rested her head against my shoulder.


'grace fully' I think should be 'gracefully' and I don't know if 'upwards' is the right direction- maybe 'forwards' as she is coming towards him? I'd also maybe change the full stop before 'Breathing' to a comma.

“Hmm, well I was suppose to do a bit of revision today,


I think 'suppose' needs a 'd' on the end here :)

She led the way, arm wrapped around my waist.


I thought this was a bit quick, I'd maybe mention something about them standing up and leaving the clearing and how he tried to resist but gave in or something about her ignoring his protests. Otherwise it just seems to skip forward a bit in the story.

as if nature was trying to regain control of the lands I had already lost


It doesn't really make sense to me to say that it was the land he had lost so did you mean 'it' instead of 'I' to show that nature had already lost?

There was a youth, about my age, hair colour the same but he looked so rough


How did he look rough? You don't really explain how he got this impression and I think it might be better to do so as it's hard to get a good image of him from this.

Somehow I understood exactly what he was feeling,


I wouldn't really think it would be that hard to understand how he was feeling, from what you describe it comes across quite obviously how he feels so I'd maybe take away 'Somehow' at the beginning here or replace it with something else like 'Instantly'.

A figure leant against a light post


It might be fine to have 'light post' but it's just I've always used 'lamp post' so I thought I'd point that out :P

Without the chocolate eyes I would not have realised his race. He glanced up, eyes for a second meeting mine, was there a glint visible in his eye?


You say 'eye' a few times here so I'd maybe rephrase it a little so that you leave the word out once or twice. Perhaps just the second one 'eyes meeting mine for a second' could be something like 'gaze meeting mine for a second' :)

Overall: Another good piece :D The introduction of the dangerous new character I thought was well written too!

In general I thought this piece went by a little fast, I'd maybe just bulk it out a bit more to add more to each stage of it. For instance when they walk into town and when they are confronted by Matt how they react and how Matt's own reaction affects him. Perhaps you could describe a little of how it felt to hear the angry sentence from Matt or show what the rest of the surroundings look like whilst they are talking- perhaps people eyeing them suspiciously in the background or something like that. The main area that I think more could be added to though would be the ending, I felt it was quite abrupt how they were in town and then suddenly he is thinking things over on his bed. I'd have more in between this to show how they leave so the transition doesn't seem too sudden.

I also felt like more could be added to Lilacs reactions, you manage to show how he is feeling throughout the piece quite well (although I have pointed out a couple more places where I thought more could be added to) but I don't really get much of Lilacs reaction and whether she is feeling uncomfortable or not. As it was her idea, I'd expect a bit more focus on her and how she is feeling with the situation.

I'm still loving this! All my comments are just suggestions, Look forward to reading more! :D *star*
"Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberries"
-Monty Python and The Holy Grail



She conquered her demons and wore her scars like wings.
— Atticus