Hurting

I thought, you would always be with me
to the end. I thought,
I'd never have to fear them, again.

I thought, the sun in the sky, shined for us,
but it, turned out that,
this is the way it was supposed to be.

Why can't you see that I, want to be with you.
You're crushing my heart, breaking it in two.
Why don't you know, that I love you so.
Am I that bad, that I just have to go.

You're hurting, my heart,
you're taking my life away.
You touch me, and trust me,
and then throw me away.
You're beating, me out,
of your little fairy tale.
I wish you would know,
of how I am hurting.

I thought I, would feel your lips,
brushing mine forever. I thought you,
would always hug me close.

I thought for, a while now, that you were no good for me.
But I cannot, let go of, the things we did together.

Why can't you let me back, into your bleeding heart.
You're killing me just letting me, look into your sullen eyes.
Why don't you, just take my hand, and apologize to me.
Am I that bad, that I just have...to go.

You're hurting, my heart
you're taking my life away.
You touch me, and trust me,
and then throw me away,
You're beating, me out,
of your little fairy tale.
I wish you would know,
of how I am hurting.

Sometimes, I'd hope you come for me,
to save me from the dark. Sometimes,
when I'd be so scared, you'd carry me in your arms.

Sometimes, when the moon was bright,
I'd see your face looking, down on me. Sometimes, I'd
think of, the things we used to love to do.

You're hurting, my heart,
you're breaking it into two.
You touch me, and trust me,
and then just dump me real hard.
You're beating, me out,
of this little game, you're playing.
I wish you would know,
of how I am hurting.

Hi there, newbie I'm Kat *shakes hand* and I'm going to review this piece!

So, first of all, the first thing I noticed when I read this was: wow, there's a lot of misplaced commas Throughout my review, I'll be constantly saying: delete that comma! cut that comma out! and such things

I thought, you would always be with me
to the end. I thought,
I'd never have to fear them, again.

----> First line
Here it starts! The first comma is badly placed. There's no need for her there, so cut it out.
The first thing many people will point out is that this whole stanza is cliche, except for the last line, where it gets a bit more interesting and eye catching.
----> Second line
The first thing I notice is the difference of syllables. This means your flow won't be right, so to add and correct that, I suggest something like this: until the very end. I thought, <--- that way the verse is longer, supporting the flow a bit more.
----> Third line
Nothing wrong with the third line It's where the reader thinks the fun will begin.

I thought, the sun in the sky, shined for us,
but it, turned out that,
this is the way it was supposed to be.

----> First line
The comma after thought is not needed
Now, that's a very used line, very cliche. Try to spice it up a bit, play with the words, make me wow, ya know what I mean?
----> Second line
No need for the first comma either. This line makes me thrilled, because it sounds like there's a complication coming.
----> Third line
Very confusing. The first line, as I said, makes it sound like a problem showed up, but now you say it's the way it's supposed to be. That a) doesn't make sense, b) doesn't fit and c) is very used.
One of the biggest problems with writing love poems, and so, are that there are hundreds of them, and you'll have to be original to stand out. Right up until now, this poem, I'm sorry to say, says to me like a simple, common, and childish kind of poem. I understand your fourteen, but I can see a lot of potential with this. Metaphors and imagery you could use, to spicy it up a bit.

Third stanza!
Here, you introduce simple rhymes, which is good, because it helps your flow and it's more fun for reader.
But then again, the whole stanza is very used! I see it as a cry, a very used and unemotional cry. I know, you tell us a lot of important things. The keyword being tell. I read Suzanne's review, below, and I have to agree with her.

I have two big advices for you:

1. Check out the 'Knowledge Base', under resources (the buttons at the top of the page) and check out articles about punctuation, because of the commas, or just check out on Google.
2. Rewrite the whole thing,maintaining the same things but saying it in different ways. More captivating and original, you know? You can read some of the poems here on YWS, and read the reviews to see if any have similar problems to ours and check out how they resolved them.

Hope I helped, and don't be let down. You have great potential and I'm sure you'll turn this out to something great!
*Kat*

Hey there! I have to second the previous review and note that you need serious help with commas! Why not look up some basic comma rules on google? Don't forget that poetry is punctuated in the same way as regular sentences. The only difference are the line breaks or stanza breaks.

After reading the poem I realized you had repeated one of the stanzas, and I was starting to wonder if you were actually writing lyrics, or you were just repeating that stanza for the poem. If this is a poem, you should know that repetition that often, of a whole stanza, makes it redundant and dulls the strength of whatever you're saying. The challenge of poetry is the fact that you have to use so few words with which to express your thoughts. Every word you use has to be important, so repeating them isn't too useful.

The only other important thing I can think to hit on would be your choice of how you express things in this poem. You list so much of what is happening to you, what you are feeling - but you don't ever present a scene and allow me to experience it with you, and to feel the emotions. The goal of poetry is to make the reader feel, think, react in some way to what they are reading. Instead of just making a list of things, bring the reader into it! It's hard to do, but if instead of just "talking" to the reader, you set up a scene which shows how this person is hurting you and breaking your heart. Use imagery of the senses, metaphors, similes, and symbols to make your ideas more vibrant. Instead of saying, "You're hurting my heart," make a simile or metaphor of it: your words are like needles piercing through my heart, and sucking out all I had. It's not so great, the one I wrote, but it's just an example.

I'm just assuming, but since you're 14 you are probably new to writing poetry, so all of this must sound overwhelming and hard to you! It's okay, wipe the sweat from your brow! It is a lot, but you'll figure it out with time. If you really want to be a poet, just keep working! Also, the best way to learn how to write poetry is to read poetry! Keep that in mind.

Best of luck!

The commas are there for a reason. It helps me when I'm singing that song, it shows me where to pause or stop and where to begin. And trust me, I'm a bit of a writing freak. I almost always have to have a comma after each sentence or verse or phrase. You could call me a comma freak.

I put commas where they were because they help me sing the song. It shows people where the songs pauses or stops for a brief moment, and then when it continues.

I am very appreciative of your reviews and I'll think about what you've told me. But this is how I write songs. For me: if there weren't any commas, no one would no where pause in the song for a moment.

Again, thanks for the reviews, I appreciate them, but this is just how I write songs. This is my way for writing song lyrics.

Ha ha!

This is my way for writing song lyrics.

So you do say these are lyrics. We were reviewing from the poetry point, since you submitted this on the Dramatic poetry. If these are lyrics, the commas can be replaces with line breaking or so. Either way, you must ask a Mod to move this to the Lyrics section, since this is not a poem.

*Kat*