Dispair

melancholy fire
like an icy claw
clawing at the heart,
soul of humanity
loses faith
are we all violence
and hate and greed?

Hope has died.
Killed by the bleeding
the bleeding heart of love

Shadows flit and flicker across
The Wall-
ashy remnants of old faith
fire burns all-
No exceptions.

GwendolenGodsmack wrote:melancholy fire
like an icy claw
clawing at the heart, .

Red alert!!! Repetition doesn't work or fit or anything. Little advice: repetition is very hard to pull of so don't do that. Oh, and caps. I already see that some of other stanzas are okay with caps, why not this one?

GwendolenGodsmack wrote:soul of humanity
loses faith
are we all violence
[s]and[/s] hate and greed?

Now, the other problem is punctuation: "...loses faithPERIODAre we..."
I also noticed the faith hate rhyme, why don't you put the "hate" at the end of the verse?
Third-"and" doesn't fit. There are too many "ands"

GwendolenGodsmack wrote:Hope has died[s].[/s]
Killed by the bleeding
the bleeding heart of love.

It should be comma or something else, not period.
I really don't get that verse. What did you try to say?

GwendolenGodsmack wrote:Shadows flit and flicker across
The Wall-
ashy remnants of old faith
fire burns all-
No exceptions.

Again, very confusing.

All in all, I didn't like this, but I also did in a strange kind of way - that bothers me. This whole thing is . I sensed a lot of everything through the poem- first you're talking about some fire, violence, end of hope and end in generally, but actually-you didn't said much. There's no metaphor here also which gives you a "-" from me.

I don't care if your mad now, you'll realise that I'm just trying to help.

Hi Gwendolen! June here!


I think this poem definitely has a lot of potential, but it seems like it's in a 'rough draft' stage.


In the first stanza, you have claw repeat; I would use a synonym for claw, dear, when you say clawing, because it kind of sounds redundant.

In the line where you have 'soul of humanity', I think it should be souls, because as it stands now, it sounds like you are classifying humanity as one entire group, sharing one soul-- and that soul loses faith. Now, I know that makes sense, but I feel like that at least one person's faith shall remain.

In the next stanza, the repetition of 'the bleeding' sounds a bit useless; this is because it's repeating something that you don't need to repeat. I also don't understand the significance of a love heart killing everything-- I'm not too sure what you were trying to convey with that, dear, but it sounds opposite of the purpose of love.


And in the last stanza, I see a comparison between shadows and ashes, but I don't see a similarity.

I understand that in this poem you tried to create an image of hope dying and faith perishing-- but I feel that this needs more, Gwen. It's not a bad start, it's a wonderful start, because you can build up and around this, dear.

Nice work on this. With a few final touches, this can be a wonderful masterpiece.

June

ehh i know despare.. depression and pain very.. well.. i suppose..

ehhhh -sratches head- why is that claw thing ripping your heart ? how it is affecting you ? or the people in this case.. whats making all this happen ?

and where did the ashes and shadows come from ? whos shadows ? humanity's ?

ehh...how is something killed by others bleeding ? maybe it drowned... i don't knew... details can make or break a poem i suppose... this critque stuff isn't my thing.. if you can't tell..i'm sorry i suck at this ...

lol.. not really how i see despare...

Guess I should have clarified...oops. This IS in fact a rough draft, something I found when sifting through some old journals. Thanks for the advice!

Hello there!


Yes, indeed, I agree with Springrain, this poem does indeed feel as if it's a rough draft-- a rough draft with great potential!!

Firstly, you had great imagery and detail, so that's great. I really enjoyed most of the wording in this poem because it was very real (at least to me!!)

I like this poem a lot, but maybe go back and add so more and fix a few things?

Great job, keep up the good work!!


~*Hailey,<3

melancholy fire

like an icy claw

clawing at the heart,

soul of humanity

loses faith

are we all violence

and hate and greed?



Hope has died.

Killed by the bleeding

the bleeding heart of love



Shadows flit and flicker across

The Wall-

ashy remnants of old faith

fire burns all-

No exceptions.

Then comes the rain ,

and washes the ashes away .

Now there is no pain ,

Just a fresh new day .



_________________
"The Last Enemy That Shall Be Conquered is Death"

Er, I don't know about that ending. It sort of implies that despair is something that just goes away, leaving clean flesh with no evidence of the wound. In my mind, it's like an old battle scar, sometimes it hurts, sometimes it doesn't, but you can always see it's there. And it opens up when you least expect it, bringing memories and questions with it.

Maybe something like that, but at the end, something that implies that despair is always around the corner, lurking and waiting.

Thanks for the suggestion

OK I seem to be disagreeing with everyone but I think it worked, yes it could do with a little work here and there but doesn't everything. I myself like repetition and feel if you word everything else right it is a useful way to pick up the pace. I like the wording and descriptions you used they bring to mind an interesting image. My only issue with it is lack of capitals because they way a poem looks effects how people view it if it looks proper people are more likely to read it that way. But all in all a valiant effort I think. I would like to see the finished copy!

An interesting poem, i love the anger/amgst thing.
I do, however, agree with some of the other reviewers. This does seem a bit rough, the puctuation and grammar needs some real work.
I'd say to work on it a bit, sort out the P+G, and re-post a new draft.
It could be great!