Zero

4PM and darkness;
curtains are closed, the sun has a blind spot,
and all the security cameras in the world could not
capture this implosion.

His back sticks to the icy wall like a tongue on an ice block,
devouring, drawing him into the winter.
The furniture is all gone;
exodus.

An empty room, cage.
four sympathetic walls,
and nails in the carpet.

Snow falls on his cheekbones,
His alone; he’s alone.
Trapped.

Drowning in a cocktail of grey,
dining on a banquet of silence,
and drinking down handfuls of
infinity.

The walls talk to him now,
echoing his thoughts,
throbbing drumbeats:
Dun. Dun. Dun. Dun.
Done. Done. Done. Done.

Temples will collapse.

He exhales the last of his will
and it dances its way out of the open window.

Hi Brendon! Jon here!

His back sticks to the icy wall like a tongue on an ice block,

devouring, drawing him into the winter.

I have a problem with these two lines. If his back is sticking to a icy wall, it has to be cold/wintertime already. So why would that wall be dragging him into 'the winter' if it was already there? Also you use the word, 'devouring'. If this wall is dragging him somewhere, it would want him alive until he got to the spot to where the wall didn't. Simply put. If the wall is eating him on the way to his destination, he would live to make it to that icy prison you describe later. Thus, it makes it void. Well, maybe not void, but if you keep the wall doing this, have maybe him weakened. (You do have the person weakened, but only after his time being there, not the wall itself.) So! Fix it? change it? Your choice, but it really does need to be fixed.

The furniture is all gone;

exodus.

I love how you use 'exodus' from the bible. This word shows that people are leaving to somewhere else. (In the bible exodus tells about the leaving of the Israelites.) The Israelites were slaves, So what I decipher from this is that this man is a slave that couldn't go with them? Interesting. However, the line above that says, "The furniture is all gone." Which would be totally fine except you DO use the word, "Exodus". When the slaves left for the 'promised land' they don't take frivolous things such as heavy furniture. They took the necessities to live. The bare things to keep them living, like food. resources of water... etc. That's why I have a problem with that line, especially when you use "Exodus". Just change the line above 'exodus' to a more resourceful thing was gone. Fix it? Change it? Your choice, but it really does need to be fixed.

An empty room, cage.

Wait a minute. Why would the cage be empty? Wouldn't he be the prisoner in this icy cold land/wilderness? You say that he is trapped and breathes out his last hope later on. To not have hope, you must not have options. If he is caged, he would not have options. Understand? Poetry needs to tie in from all angles to be good. Fix this tidbit.

His alone; he’s alone.

Do you mean, "He's alone; he's alone"? If not, the "his alone' makes no sense. Unless, he owned the 'alone' like he had it for so long, it was his. Okay, I understand now, you're using this as a way to describe time! Brilliant part on this. Great!

Drowning in a cocktail of grey,

A cocktail has more than one thing. Grey is only one. Have it like a snow mixed with grey air cocktail, but more subtle.

Dun. Dun. Dun. Dun.

Done. Done. Done. Done.

I read this a couple times and wasn't so sure of it. But the more I read it, the more I liked it! Great addition to the poem.

and it dances its way out of the open window.

If there is an open window, why doesn't this man escape? xD If there was an open window, and I wanted to get out, I'd surely see that there was an open window and escape myself. Have his hope go through some small cracks in the wall or something.


Overall: this was an okay poem. Just fix all those errors in this poem. They really do need to be to make it better. I go in depth with the poem I read. So.

I love it!
It paints a perfect (if not melo-dramatic) picture, and I think You did a wonderful job! I adore your word choice, even if it is slightly dark, i think it very well fits the mood, and creating that "trapped" feeling is wonderful, I swear to God I looked over my shoulder after reading this

I would recommend, all the same, that you just look through it, the minor problems in Wisemann's Critique covered it greatly though, so If you just follow his recommendation, I think you'll do great!

Keep Writing!

I love dark poetry, it is my favorite! I think you did wonderful on this. Keep writing I love it.

-Flower-

Haha great use of puns there. No offense, but i dont really get the poem. maybe im just a literal kinda person. one point to note, try to use as few words as possible yeah? makes it sound better.

Sometimes poetry isn't supposed to be picked apart, understood, and planned. The words flow out your fingertips as you feel and breathe them. No offense to Jon, I'm just sayin, you're work is flawless and you put yourself out there with everything you write. Stark and vulnerable. I don't see why work like this even needs critique, I just might be your biggest fan dude. I don't mean to be feenin or anything, I just feel like you are one of thousands of writers I've read that I can relate to. Hit me up or something in a PM:)