Four Girls; One Story (Chapter 1)

~Chapter 1~
"Alexis! What are you still doing in bed? You’re going to be late for work!" Alison said jumping on top of Alexis.
"Alison, get off of me!" Alexis yelled rolling over.
"No, not until you get your lazy butt out of bed!" She said laughing.
"You have to get off me first!" Alexis said pushing Ali off the bed, "Leave me alone anyways. I had a long night last night."
Ali stood up and frowned, "You had a long night?" She said, "I was the one that was working all night!"
"Yeah, but I was cleaning the house making sure it was clean for when everybody comes over tonight."
Just when Alex said that Jayne came walking in, "Excuse me? I was the one that was cleaning! All you did was the dishes! And then sat down ordering me around!"
"You guys stop arguing!" Macey said walking in the room looking at us and smiling.
"We're not arguing, we are talking. But it just sounds like we're arguing." Jayne said giving a big smile.
"Anyways..." Alex said frowning starting to get out of bed, "Why are you guys always so mean to me?"
"What are you talking about?" Ali said frowning, "How are we being mean?"
"Well, you guys always bug me. And are always on my back about things." Alex said heading to the bathroom.
"Because that's what sisters are for!" Jayne said giving a little laugh and heading to the kitchen.
"Yeah, ok, but sisters are also supposed to be nice." Alex said.
"Oh, come on Alex you know we do it to bug you!" Ali said.
"Yeah and I don't like it!" She said about to close the bathroom door.
"Well, we're sorry then!" Macey said, "Now, you better hurry up and get ready because you will be late!"
"Yeah, yeah, Imma comin'!" Alex said closing the door. Ali got up also and headed to the living room.
"So, do you know when everybody will be here tonight?" Macey asked walking behind Ali.
"Maybe around seven?" Ali said grabbing her jacket and keys to start the car, "Jayne are you almost ready for school?"
"Yup! Just a second, got to finish my toast!" Jayne said taking her last bite of her toast and grabbing her jacket.
"So, when we come home today will we get ready for the party?" Macey asked trying to continue their conversation.
"Yeah, probably." Ali said.
"I can't wait, I'm so excited." Macey said putting on her jacket and heading to her room.
"Alex you ready yet?" Ali yelled.
"Yeah, I'm coming. Hold your horses!" Alex said walking to the closet grabbing her jacket and putting on her shoes.
"Are you guys ready?" Alex said looking around, "Where's Mace and Jayne?"
"I'm here, you guys can head out. I've got my key." Macey said running to the bathroom.
"Ugh! Why do you guys always take forever! I wish that I could leave without you guys and let you walk!" Ali said walking out to the car.
"Sorry! I had to finish my toast and orange juice!" Jayne said running to the door.
"Of course you did." Alex said laughing and heading out to the car also, "I'll meet you guys out there and hurry up!"
"Okay." Jayne said going to the bathroom to see what Macey was doing.
"You comin'?" Jayne asked looking at Macey brushing her teeth.
"Yeah, I'm coming. You can go wait in the car you know. You don't always have to wait for me." Macey said looking herself in the mirror putting on lip gloss.
"I know, but I like waiting." Jayne said smiling, "And I don't want to sit in the car with Ali getting mad."
Macey gave a little smile, "True. I always hate it when she gets like that."
"Yeah, but you should try to be faster though." Jayne said, "You always do tend to take a long time just before we leave."
"Yeah, yeah I know." Macey said looking at me, "You better not start to be like Ali."
Jayne gave a smile, "I won't but I don't want to be late either so come on!"
"Ok, I'm done. Let's go." Macey said turning off the bathroom light and heading to the door. She grabbed her purse and went out the door and locked it.
When they got in, Ali gave a frown, "Finally!" She said pulling out of the drive way, "I thought we were never going to leave."
"Well we're all here so no more argueing." Alex said looking out the window. After that no one said anything for the rest of the ride.

Hey Angel, welcome to YWS! You can call me Stella and I'll be reviewing you today!

Are you finding your way around and everything okay? Just drop me a PM (bottom of the page), if you want any help navigating the site etc.

Okay, so here goes...

I. NITPICKS

Nitpicks are little things I notice...

"No, not until you get your lazy butt out of bed!" She said laughing.

That should be a small "s". I'll explain this down below.

Alexis said pushing Ali off the bed,

This is just something that annoys me, in your narrative, I prefer it when people stick to one name, ie. Alison or Ali, not both... within dialogue, it's fine, but just... yeah. It's a pet peeve, you can ignore it if you like.

Why do you guys always take forever!

Should be a question mark, I reckon...

"Well we're all here so no more argueing."

arguing.

II. DIALOGUE PUNCTUATION

"I don't know," said Ben.

You see that 'said Ben.'? Anything like that, 'whispered Ellie' 'Kal said with a gasp', you get the idea, is called a speech tag.

A speech tag is just like a continuation of your sentence only outside the speech marks. 'Said Ben' as a sentence by itself makes no sense. So you have to make sure that you don't put a full stop before it, just a comma. And you know not to follow a comma with a capital letter, so that's a small "s" in said. It's all one sentence, see? Other punctuation, question marks, exclamation marks and dot-dot-dots are allowed, but no full stops, and the s in said or whatever word follows (unless it's a name), should always be small -unless it's an unrelated action.

Meh, Demmie explains it better than me, check out her article from the Knowledge Base on it: viewarticlebody.php?t=44898

Hope that helps!

III. DESCRIPTION

There's no time for description here, it's all action! Why don't you take some time to give us an idea of what the sisters look like or their surroundings? Show us who the eldest and the youngest are etc... it'll give your story an extra edge.

IV. OVERALL

This looks like an interesting story- not much happens here, but you've introduced your main characters well, and told us about an event in the future (the party) which we can look forward to reading about.

Keep it up!

Hope I helped, and if you need anything just drop me a note!

-Stella.

You've got some minor grammatical errors such as punctuation, your use with commas, etc.

Here's a random sentence I noticed:

"Well, you guys always bug me. And are always on my back about things." Alex said heading to the bathroom.

Try to reword the second sentence. It sounds awkward. And there should be a comma after said.

I noticed that there's a lot of action going on here. In fact, for a romance story, there's much too busyness going on. Slow it down. Take the time to really linger in the personalities of these girls, since you need all the mingle time you can get with the many characters. You could also cut out 50% of this chapter, since it's all meaningless dialogue and action that really get you nowhere.

This is a very good story, but I think you need to add more to the story than dialogue. The story line is fantastic, but you need to let the reader know if they are quadrulets or what ages they are where there parents are and stuff like that. After that I would take out some unnessarry dialogue. After that I think the story will be AMAZING! PM me when the next one comes out! Thanks

Sparkle

There isn't much else to say really, they basically covered it.
Maybe the story could do with a bit more substance, i.e. a bit more of an introduction about the characters or where they are.
A conversation can be good, but it's usually found on the second or third page.

I'm just trying to be helpful feel free to correct me if i'm wrong.