Lilac's eyes (chapter three)

I'm worried that this chapter is not as good as the previous two, hope you like it. It is all building to something, I've just got to think what.

Please review, even one word reviews help.



Chapter 3

Ursine or 'bear' race live mainly in forests. Their main characteristics of brown hair and eyes, separate them from other races. They are normally average in build, and unlike other races are not known for one particular special ability. Aryan's contain unexplainable intelligence, advancing them quickly in technology. Ursine are however quite normal, but many are thought to be more agile and strong than other races, but that is merely a myth, proven, over time to be untrue.

Historical facts from your daily newspaper



School. Maths after English, test after test, no time to think about anything other than the disappointment on your parents face as you show them each result, each miserable fail. I don't normally do badly in any subject, but neither am I top of any class. Average, as always.
The day passed quickly, routine taking hold of me, lesson after lesson of boredom and stress. I flinched as, once again my mind began wondering from a physics test, my memory brought up a familiar image, her. Her laughter suffocated all other thoughts. An involuntary smile touched my lips, happier times, trouble- free evenings. No. I shouldn't remember. The more I remember the worse I feel. I attempted to refocus my mind. An empty test still sat, mocking me. My fists clenched around the biro. I scribbled down, still distracted by the laughing in my ears. Matt caught my eye from across the other side of the room, head in hands. He grinned, but was busy looking distressed by the booklet before him. At least I didn't have any trouble with the test, it was easy enough. If only I could focus.
I unlocked the door and flung myself on the bed. My cold, lifeless flat accepting me into its unrelenting darkness. I wanted to press a button, rewind my life, change it in some way.
Part of me wished I had never met her; but part of me was glad of the hurt, what it meant. love.
My eyes filled, water burning me, but I refused to let it out, I refused to cry. My fist clenched, I forced it into a pillow, fingers driving deeper through the feather padding and into the mattress below. All I could think was this is the lowest moment in my life.


“Hi, Do you know where Rochester Avenue is?” She dropped a bag from her shoulder. She was heavily laden with luggage.
“Yes, I certainly do.” I dismissed her question, turning to walk away. I don't talk to Aryans.
“I'm sorry, can you point me in the right direction?” Her eyes widened, voice stroppy and impatient. Aryans think they're better than everyone else. She stood out like a black sheep in a white field. I paused, in a mock thinking pose, just to annoy her. It worked. “Alright, could you at least point out someone who is kind enough to help?” She looked at me, her purple eyes showing unstoppable emotion, disgust.
After a minute I sighed. Despite race, I pitied her. She looked tired, and now angry.
“It's hard to explain where it is, just follow me.”

She did so tentatively, as if I were leading her in the wrong direction. She followed silently, not pushing her luck.

“I'm Alex.” I had lead her all the way across town, to her front door. I hadn't planned to, but what was I suppose to do? Leave her stranded on a roadside somewhere.
“Ebony. Are you sure this is the right house?” I rolled my eyes in response and she smiled.
“I suppose you'll be going to the local senior school?” She nodded, her jaw tightening, worry filling her unnatural eyes.“I'll see you there.” I strode quickly away, my mind jumbled with a million confused thoughts. Yes, she was well proportioned, beautiful even, once I'd noticed more than eyes and hair colour. the weirdest thing about her was that she seemed nice.

I must have finally slept, as I woke up in early morning sunshine, emotions for that time muted. I got dressed, mind unfocused. Back to my normal routine.


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Ok, there it is. Please tell me if you have any suggestions on improving it. Also, if you do want me to PM you with the next chapter, I'm already half way through it.

Hiya Mads, won't be a long review because I can see you at school and talk to you about it then.My god,its getting better. Your writting has improved so much since coming on this site, there are a few gapes but your description is revitting, I am rocking back on my chair in eagerness to know what happens next. AHHHH, write more.

Ursine or 'bear' race live mainly in forests. Their main characteristics of brown hair and eyes, separate them from other races. They are normally average in build, and unlike other races are not known for one particular special ability. Aryan's contain unexplainable intelligence, advancing them quickly in technology. Ursine are however quite normal, but many are thought to be more agile and strong than other races, but that is merely a myth, proven, over time to be untrue.

Historical facts from your daily newspaper

Good good, safe but good. The only problem I have is when you sue the word "are known for being quite normal", you need to talk quite out. Extracts from newspapers aren't going to weak sources of information, quite seems uncertain as if the newspaper presents false pretense. Sorry i'm being nit picky today but that word really annoyed me.

School. Maths after English, test after test, no time to think about anything other than the disappointment on your parents face as you show them each result, each miserable fail.

Okay, good but you need to cut this sentence in half with a full stop. Its too long. Maybe put "You had" in front of "No time" which means you can separate the sentence. Just an idea.

The day passed quickly, routine taking hold of me, lesson after lesson of boredom and stress.

Sound familiar? You use the same sentence structure too close together. Test after test, lesson after lesson?

Never ever stop posting this! In simpler words, I completely adore it; I love it! You had a few minor grammar mistakes, you put a dot and didn't capitelize but that really doesn't bother me all that much.
He didn't like Aryans at first? Wow, nice angle. Other than that nice angle, nice way of writing down the distraction and nice way of everything! I'm looking forward to meeting the other race now, the "bear" race! This storing is absolutely wonderful! I get sucked in to the plot more and more as I go along! Keep it up!!

Hiya, I'm here as requested . I haven't had a look at the above reviews, so I'm sorry if I repeat anything (: . Here goes, I really hope this helps... =D

MiriamHannah wrote:Chapter 3

Ursine or 'bear' race live mainly in forests. Their main characteristics of brown hair and eyes, separate them from other races. They are normally average in build, and unlike other races are not known for one particular special ability. Aryan's [no need for the apostrophe] contain unexplainable intelligence, advancing them quickly in technology. Ursine are however quite normal, but many are thought to be more agile and strong than other races, but that is merely a myth, proven, over time to be untrue.

Historical facts from your daily newspaper



School. Maths after English, test after test, no time to think about anything other than the disappointment on your parents[apostrophe here, but if you're referring to just one parent, put the apostrophe after the 't' and before the 's' (: ] face as you show them each result, each miserable fail. I don't normally do badly in any subject, but neither am I top of any class. Average, as always.
The day passed quickly, routine taking hold of me, lesson after lesson of boredom and stress. I flinched as, once again[comma] my mind began to wander[s]ing[/s] from a physics test, my memory [s]brought[/s] bringing up a familiar image,[delete comma] of her. Her laughter suffocated all other thoughts. An involuntary smile touched my lips, happier times, trouble- free evenings.

NP for extra effect>> ]No. I shouldn't remember. The more I remember the worse I feel.

[NP >>]I attempted to refocus my mind. An empty test still sat in front of me, mocking me. My fists clenched around the biro. I scribbled down, still distracted by the laughing in my ears. Matt [was he the guy in the previous chapter? If so, just ignore what I'm about to say Who is he, to what relation is he to your MC: a good friend, an acquaintance...?] caught my eye from across the other side of the room, head in hands. He grinned, but was busily looking distressed by the booklet before him. At least I didn't have any trouble with the test, it was easy enough. If only I could focus.
I unlocked the door and flung myself on the bed [now what happened to the transition between doing the physics test and landing back in his bedroom? Make the transition a little clearer, because at the moment it's just a big jump]. My cold, lifeless flat accepting me into its unrelenting darkness.[Ooh, nice descriptions (: ] I wanted to press a button, rewind my life, change it in some way. [Why and what for? Elaborate on this slightly]
Part of me wished I had never met her; but part of me was glad of the hurt, what it meant.[replace with colon] love.
My eyes filled, water burning me [how can water burn you? You may want to rethink that out (: ], but I refused to let it out, I refused to cry. My ____ [right? Left?] fist clenched,[delete comma] and I forced it into a pillow, fingers driving deeper through the feather padding and into the mattress below. All I could think was this is the lowest moment in my life.

[Okay, this is where I'm going to ask you to work on this a bit more, and elaborate a whole lot more. Your MC is saying that this is the worst moment in his life: why us that? Elaborate on it, tell us more, because at this exact moment I can't really work out what his problem is. If you've already mentioned this in the previous chapter, then great! But still hint a little towards why this is the lowest point in his life. Also, I want to know what it is that is so special about this girl that he's in love with and agonising over. What is it that makes her so special? Makes her stand out from all the other girls...? That will also help to make this a little longer ]

“Hi, Do you know where Rochester Avenue is?” She dropped a bag from her shoulder. She was heavily laden with luggage. [Right, let us know in some way that this is a memory/flashback that your MC is having of, I'm guessing, his first meeting with the girl he loves. Otherwise, it seems just too random and out of place][/b]
“Yes, I certainly do.” I dismissed her question, turning to walk away. I don't talk to Aryans.
“I'm sorry, can you point me in the right direction?” Her eyes widened, voice stroppy and impatient. Aryans [b]always think they're better than everyone else[I'm guessing this annoys him? Show us then! Show us that he's annoyed (: ] . She stood out like a black sheep in a white field [why? And be careful not to use too many short sentences one after the other, as the effect can be slightly choppy]. I paused, in a mock thinking pose, just to annoy her. It worked [how does you MC know that it worked - show instead of tell]. “All_right, could you at least point out to someone who [s]is[/s] would be kind enough to help?” She looked at me, her purple eyes showing an unstoppable emotion,[replace with colon] disgust.
After a minute I sighed. Despite race, I pitied her. She looked tired, and now angry. [Try and blend the last two sentences together, as three short sentences one after the other sounds choppy]
“It's hard to explain where it is, just follow me.”

She did so tentatively, as if I were leading her in the wrong direction. She followed silently, not pushing her luck.

“I'm Alex.” I had lead her all the way across town, to her front door. I hadn't planned to, but what was I suppose to do? Leave her stranded on a roadside somewhere[question mark]
“Ebony. Are you sure this is the right house?” I rolled my eyes in response and she smiled.
“I suppose you'll be going to the local senior school?” She nodded, her jaw tightening, worry filling her unnatural eyes.“I'll see you there.” I strode quickly away, my mind jumbled with a million confused thoughts. Yes, she was well proportioned, beautiful even, once I'd noticed more than eyes and hair colour. The weirdest thing about her was that she seemed nice.

I must have finally slept, as I woke up in early morning sunshine, emotions for that time muted. I got dressed, mind unfocused. Back to my normal routine.

Last Minute Views
-->The main thing that bugged me, and I think needs extra work on was the first bit in which he said that today was the worst day of his life. I felt as though you were being slightly too vague and also tentative about delving deeper into your MC's emotions and thoughts. Please don't be, and delve away!! I promise your work will be all the better because of it, as as it's written in first person, as readers we need to be able to relate with your MC, feel empathy/sympathy, but we can't if you're holding back telling us about his feelings. I also put some more in the review above about elaborating more on his feelings towards the Aryan girl (:

--> I liked the use of the flashback to when they first met, but I thought that it was slightly too rushed. They met. They appeared at the building. He thought she was nice. That's way too little!! Expand on all the tiny details - what they talked about, what it was exactly that got him to reach to the conclusion that she was nice... etc.

--> Overall, this was another enjoyable chapter, but I think it needs some extra work to become even better (:

So, I hope this review helped you out, and I'm sorry if I was harsh at all - I do it with the best intentions . If you do edit this chapter, let me know, as I would love to help you out some more =D. If you have any questions, or anything at all, please don't hesitate to PM me as I'm always more than willing to help .

I hope you're having a great day and Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx

Hey Miriam! I'm back. Sorry these reviews are taking so long, but you asked for my to review all the chapter, so.

Anyway, on to nit-picks!

Their main characteristics of brown hair and eyes, separate them from other races.

This line sounds a bit off. Try: Their main characteristics, brown hair and eyes, separate them from other races.
A few commas can do wonders

Aryan's contain unexplainable intelligence, advancing them quickly in technology.

Aryan's <-- there's no deen for the apostrophe. I noticed Lucy mentioned this too. You should correct the grammar msitakes, so that future reviewers won't think it's useless to review if you ain't correcting the things that need work on.

Historical facts from your daily newspaper

School. Maths after English, test after test, no time to think about anything other than the

This transaction here doesn't make much sense to me. You were talking a bout another race, other than the Aryans, and then suddnely you throw school in? You should consider moving this to after the school thing; maybe putting your MC reading the newspaper (the italized part being what he read).

I flinched as, once again my mind began wondering from a physics test, my memory brought up a familiar image, her. Her laughter suffocated all other thoughts.

I have a suggestion about the punctuation on the end of this sentence that I think will work out uch better.
[...] up a familiar image. Her; her laughter suffocated all other thoughts. <-- I think that way it gets a bit more dramatic, giving it more emphases.

I scribbled down, still distracted by the laughing in my ears.

Laughter works better than laughing.

If only I could focus.
I unlocked the door and flung myself on the bed.

The thing many people mentioned on the reviews of the first chapters was your flipping sets without explaining.
Like, in the first sentence I quoted, he couldn't focus on the test. In the next, he's already in his bedroom! Whe did he got home? Did he managed to finish the test? What happened? <-- ge the point?

love. My eyes filled, water burning me,

Love. 'Me' should be them. The water is burning your eyes, not you. (confusing line O.o)

Leave her stranded on a roadside somewhere.

It's a rhetorical question dear, but it still needs an interrogation mark.

the weirdest thing about her was that she seemed nice.

I must have finally slept, as I woke up in early morning sunshine, emotions for that time muted.

Capitlaize the 'the'.
The second line I quoted is badly worded. try to put that in some other words.


Characters:
I really liked the side of the Aryan girl, how they first met. i really liked how I could get a bit more out of her, and even out of your MC. The MC's thoughts seem kidn of empty, without emotion, which leads me to...

Imagery and description
The emotion is pretty flat, You say something here, something there, but it isn't latent enough to catch my attention. Your description, on the contrary is good. Not too much.

Transsactions
There are some parts where you jump from one thign to antoher without explaining much, but from the first chapter to the third you did improved.

Overall: I liked this, but it still isn't something that makes me want to stay up all night waiting for the next chapter It isn't much thrilling.

*Kat*

Sorry, I am trying to look over everything and review. I'll have more time when our holidays finally break out (not that that is any excuse). I'm slowly improving things and I hope my later chapters are better because I'm starting to really feel with what I'm writing. Thank you so much for the review.