The Difference Between Day and Night

This is a very very very very rough draft of the very beginning of my book. It needs to be revised a lot so please don't hesitate to criticize

I wasn’t sure how much longer I could take this. Friends are supposed to be like glue, mine are more like a used piece of tape. I found myself, yet again, in the school lobby after the bell watching another fight among my friends unfold. At first, I had tried to be a mediator and help them work it out, but then I realized that this just put me in the middle of the argument and I gave up.
As I stood there, leaning against the cold, ice blue lockers down the freshman hallway, I looked around. Claire Dunhouse was doing her homework, nothing new there. Allie Enett and Chris Gavend, just like every other day, were having a contest over which one could flirt more with the other, always disgusting. I sighed and turned to my right to see if there was anything new in that direction. At first there was nothing. Then, suddenly he emerged from the classroom next to me. His white-blond hair was striking, but I barely noticed it. How could I with those two, brilliant, blue eyes staring right into mine. This only lasted a moment or two before he continued down the hall. I watched him walk out the front door and turn the corner. I didn’t know it at the time, but within a few seconds, my life had changed forever.

-----------------------------

I tapped my foot on the floor and stared at the clock, completely oblivious to what Mr. Swagner, my second semester chemistry teacher, was telling us. I just couldn't wait to get home! January 26 is my sweet sixteen and was only a week from the next day, Saturday. That night I had invited some of my friends to a sleepover at my house. We were going to stay up all night planning another one of my famous birthday parties. I always have a huge sleepover and go all out decorating our basement, but this year was definitely going to be different. We were planning a huge blowout, half the sophomore class was invited and the entire house and yard were going to be decorated. It was going to be amazing.
Suddenly the bell rang and I woke me from my daydream. Swiftly I got up with my book and made a beeline for the door. I was smiling, waving, and laughing with all my classmates while on my way to good old locker number 33, but I wasn't really hearing what they were saying. My mind had switched thought topics and my eyes were sweeping the hallway, looking for something. I didn't have very much time though before the mob of students who had long waited for the weekend pushed me the rest of the way to my locker. While I was getting my books I shook the unwanted thought from my head and once again concentrated on my plans for tonight. I navigated my way through the crowd and stepped out the door into the sunshine. I was searching for my friends when suddenly two hands from behind me covered my eyes and a familiar voice said, "Guess who."
I hated that game and all my friends knew it. I normally just wait until they get bored and pull their hands away from my face, but today I was impatient. I pushed the hands away and turned around to find myself face to face with all of my laughing best friends. Hannah, Krista, Laurie, Stacey, and Susan were all standing there with their bags ready to go. I pretended to be ticked off at what they did but that just made them laugh even harder. "Oh come on Tory!" Krista said "you're a horrible actress and you know it! Besides, Hannah's the one who did it!"
"Only because Susan dared me to! Blame her!"
"I did not it was Laurie's idea!"
This got my friends into a joking and silly argument and I couldn't help but cracking up. "Am I going to have to plan this party by myself or are we going to get going?" I asked through my laughter. We were going with Laurie, the only one of us old enough to drive everyone, and I was anxious to get out of there. I looked at Laurie and she gave in. "All right, all right, we're going!" I grinned and then all six of us ran laughing and squealing to the car.
Later, when we were stuffed with pizza and had made a previous trip to the grocery store, we were sitting in my basement. We were in a circle and had flashlights surrounding us (we would use candles but my mom said we'd burn the house down). In the center of us (thanks to our previous trip to the store) were bowls of every candy imaginable; mini Reeses, twizzlers, twix bars, sour patch kids, and finally mini York's. Along with all that candy was also a box of Oreos and my own personal favorite sleepover item, a giant tub of cookie dough. We had stacks of party planning paper and a pen for each of us, but they hadn't even been touched yet. You can say that we were a little off topic. "Oh come on!" Stacey said "We're done with half the school year and none of you like anyone!?!" We all started to think. I automatically thought of one boy, and I've only seen him once, but those blue eyes.... Our thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a crash on the staircase. We all looked up to see a boy who looked exactly like me sprawled out at the bottom of it. Yup, that would be my super annoying twin brother. I threw a pillow at him. "Get out Tom!" He laughed and caught the pillow. "I wasn't spying! I, uh, just came down to tell you that mom got some movies for you guys!" "Oh really" I said. "That's bull and you know it!" We were both laughing now. Hannah suddenly jabbed me with her elbow and looked warily in Stacey's direction. I turned to see what was wrong. Well, I got my answer! Stacey, in a cami and shorts, was laying down sideways and had her head propped up on her hand like she was posing for a magazine. I'm not sure she knew how incredibly stupid she looked. In a flirty and teasing voice she said, "You just wanted to hear who we thought was cute didn't you?" Tom looked at me and rolled his eyes. "No," he said "But do you want to know what I think?" Stacey blinked slowly. "Tell me" she said as she fixed her cami strap. "I think you should have gotten your clothes at half price." he responded. Stacey looked extremely confused "Why?" Tom was grinning now, "Because they only gave you half of an outfit. You really should complain to the store about that because those jerks are making you look like a slut!" Stacey's mouth was wide open in shock. Me and Tom were very careful not to look at each other. "Well," he said. "I'd better go get those movies. Tory, could you help me?" I got up and we both sprinted up the stairs. Tom and I crashed through the basement door, looked at each other, and then doubled over with laughter. Once we started we couldn't seem to stop and it took us a good ten minutes to calm down again. Finally, Tom looked at me and goes, "Okay what I really came down to ask was if I could bring some of my friends to your little party." I laughed "Well duh! It's your birthday too smarts! Invite as many as you want. Besides, I owe you for putting up with Stacey all the time." Tom made a face "Why do you hang out with that girl? She's so.... well she's your friend so I'm not gonna say it but..." I held up my hand. "I know" I said. "But she's only like that around guys, any other time she's really nice." I explained. "Whatever." he said while checking the clock. "Uh oh, you'd better get back to your fiesta!" At fiesta he snapped his fingers and spun in a circle. I laughed and rolled my eyes, retreating back downstairs with a stack of movies in my hands. Most girls want to trade in their brothers for a sister, but I think I'll just stick with what I've got.

Hey there!

Well, I see you're new so welcome to YWS. Hopefully, you'll like it here, but anyways, I'm Angel of Death but please just call me Angie or Angel.

Okay, on the review!

Friends are supposed to be like glue, always sticking together.

Okay, this is a little redundant. The former was good but the latter, you can do without. In other words, nix the last part of this sentence.

Friends are supposed to be like glue, always sticking together. Mine are more like a used piece of tape.

You could combine these two sentences so that it can be:

"Friends are supposed to be like glue, but mine are more like a used piece of tape."

The song Ordinary Day by Vanessa Carlton started running through my head.
As I stood there, leaning against the cold, ice blue lockers down the freshman hallway, I decided to look around and see what was going on around me.

I know often in English class, your teacher stresses about using transition. Well listen to them because it's important when you're writing a story especially a novel. You want your sentences to flow. Usually I say this as advice to people who wrote a poem, but you want to keep in mind to have a variety of sentence structures albeit if this were a poem you'd want to be either consistent in rhyming patterns or structure.

These two sentences felt like they were crashing together. I mean, what's so important about that song playing in her head at that time and who cares really?

Okay, so here's my rendition of the first part of your prologue:

I wasn't sure how much longer I could take this. Friends are supposed to be like glue but mine are more like a used piece of tape. I found myself, yet again, in the school lobby after the bell watching another fight among my friends unfold. At first, I had tried to be a mediator and help them work it out, but then I realized that this just put me in the middle of the argument and gave up.

As I stood there, leaning against the cold, ice blue lockers down the freshman hallway, I decided to look around and see what was going on around me.

You seem to have a weight issue. Put your sentences on a diet, sometimes it's okay to leave things out especially if it's not necessary.

Here's what I'd write:

This wasn't worth losing both of my friends over, so I leaned against the lockers and stared down the hallway.

Okay, the reason why I fixed the sentences you had to look like this is because you're writing in first person. The reader is supposed to be the character and when you're thinking you're not describing every little detail, it's straightforward.

I didn’t know it at the time, but within a few seconds, my life had changed forever.

This was a good way to end this ^_^

Overall Impression:

Okay, I would give this a six out of a ten. Mainly because I think you can do better. I wasn't intrigued enough. Your prologue is supposed to want to make the reader want to turn the page. No, I am not being harsh, I just think that you, like every other writer, has the ability to write something great. I don't know who your character is. I can't get inside her head and therefore she's not important to me.
Right now this seems really cliche but if you fix this up and maybe even make it a little longer, I'm sure this'll be fine.

Please, if you have any questions feel free to PM me and if you post more or revise this and need another review, just ask.

Keep writing,

~Angel

Well I can't really think of anything to add aside from what the person above me already mentioned.
Other than with this:

peace-love-dream wrote: The song Ordinary Day by Vanessa Carlton started running through my head.

It seems like more of an after thought. Also it doesn't seem very important to the story, so it's like add-on information that isn't necessary.
But other wise I really like where this is going. Your story seems like it has a lot of potential to be really great.

Four
Hi, welcome to YWS, I'm Kirsten and I shall review this piece for you today. Note: This is rather short, in future you may want to expand on pieces before posting them, if you look at some of the other pieces here you should see roughly how long the average post is, in comparison yours is a bit too short. Anyway, let's get onto that review. I'm going to review the piece first, then we'll do a small critique, shall we begin:

I wasn’t sure how much longer I could take this.

Right, this is a rather annoying way to start a piece. You immediately manage to alienate us from your protagonist, by stating something that we cannot empathise with. Why should we care about her before we've even met her?

Friends are supposed to be like glue, mine are more like a used piece of tape.

I think perhaps you should use some more imagery, abstract imagery, imagery with beauty.

I found myself, [s]yet again[/s]

It's not really yet again as we have not been made familiar with your characters. What you mean is as usual.

in the school lobby after the bell watching another fight among my friends unfold. At first, I had tried to be a mediator and help them work it out, but then I realized that this just put me in the middle of the argument and I gave up.

As I stood there, leaning against the cold, [s]ice[/s] blue

I don't like the word ice blue, it's too cliched.

lockers down the freshman hallway, I looked around. Claire Dunhouse was doing her homework, nothing new there. Allie Enett and Chris Gavend, just like every other day, were having a contest over which one could flirt more with the other, always disgusting. I sighed and turned to my right to see if there was anything new in that direction. At first there was nothing. Then, suddenly he emerged from the classroom next to me. His white-blond hair was striking, but I barely noticed it. How could I with those two, brilliant, blue eyes staring right into mine. This only lasted a moment or two before he continued down the hall. I watched him walk out the front door and turn the corner. I didn’t know it at the time, but within a few seconds, my life had changed forever.

The end is cliched too.

Right, I'm going to be blunt and honest. I didn't really like this piece. It was full of cliched phrases, overused words and a monotonous plot.

The plot was horribly cliched, to a point that I was almost sick. I don't mean to be rude here, but honestly, I think you should come up a more original plot, just something different, something that would interest your readers and make them want to read more.

Why should we care for someone we've not met?
You need to be careful about this. You start off with an expression that's meant to make us feel sorry for your protagonist. On the contrary we do not, why should we care for the troubles of someone we've never met? You need to familiarise us with your characters, make us feel for them so that when the end comes we're sorry, we empathise and care about them. You can't just launch right in with a statement about how you hate your life etc.

How would you feel if a friend came up to you and said "Laurie Austen has broken her ankle"?

If you didn't know the person involved you wouldn't realy care, would you?

I'm sorry, but I'm not really a fan of this piece. It was cliched, unoriginal and has been done too many times before.

I think you should come up with a new plot and perhaps try and work on something different.

I'm not trying to be mean, I just want your work to shine and be better than others. which I'm sure you want too, yes?

Sorry about the length of this review, it's too short.

~Kirsten

This was really too short to give a proper review and I apologize for saying this but immediately after I read this, I thought of Twilight. This is a totally overused thought with the glance of the handsome boy on an ordinary day.

When it started out, I thought it was a unique beginning... until you mentioned the blonde, handsome boy with the blue eyes. Really try to break out of that shell. I know people on YWS really hate Twilight-like stories so I'm just trying to warn you ahead of time.

Otherwise, I wish you the best of luck in the continuation of this! =]

I think it has alot of promise but I have to agree with angel, I don't feel really interested in reading any further as is. I recognize alot of my own issues in your work, in a word ADJECTIVE. It's amazing how one or two more words can add such detail to your writing. For Example this is a piece from something you wrote.


"As I stood there, leaning against the cold, ice blue lockers down the freshman hallway, I looked around."

"I threw myself against the cold ice blue lockers that lined the freshman hallway and as I stood there waiting for a resolution to the bickering that persisted behind me I began to survey the halls."

I'm not saying my version is alot better than yours but you see how just a few words here and there can give you so much more meaning and depth to your writing.

Hi peace-love-dream and welcome to YWS! I'm The.Dreamwalker, or Dreamwalker, or whatever people call me for short.

Normally, I can write a fairly long and detailed critique toward a piece, but this one is fairly short and very twilight-ish.

Of course, I could be fairly wrong about the Twilightness of this story, and maybe it isnt, but from the very small taste that we have of it, it just reminds us of Twilight which is not very much wanted on YWS. Not that I'm saying your a bad writer, just because I dont know much about it yet. I've just read many stories from people who decided to write a romance after reading twilight and the storyline being exactly that, hence why I now stay away from most vampire-esk stories.

Give us another taste, show us what you've got. I would really like to see you open up and show us the worlds, the characters, your dreams and hopes across paper.

When you post up more, if you do, please PM me for I would love to review it and see where this stories goes! If you have other randoms stories as well, I wouldnt mind reviewing them too

Ciao
-The.Dreamwalker

Hey i liked it! and well, i guess it is a little twilightish
but you can always change it, make it something different.
Do i know these blue eyes? am i right am i right? haha
the description was good and i imagined it like BD, was
that on purpose? well i guess I'll talk to ya later!

~Justy

Oooo, i loved it!!!! and it's not twilighty at all now, so that's good. You are so mean! i was so looking forward to being in your story, stupid Faith. why why why??? meanie! ok well on to corrections, maybe it will actually post this time!

While I was getting my books I shook the unwanted thought from my head and once again concentrated on my plans for tonigh.

I think that there should be a comma after books.

Krista said "you're a horrible actress and you know it!

I think that there needs to be a comma after said and that you should capitalize You're.

had made a previous trip to the grocery store

I don't think you need to say previous here.

In the center of us (thanks to our previous trip to the store) were bowls of every candy imagineable

Ok, here i don't think you need to say (thanks to our previous trip to the store) since you said it up above.

imagineable/wari;y

I think you should check the spelling of these words! hahaha =)

overall, it was really good and i enjoyed it! i can't wait to read the next part! though i am a little sad and hurt. i should probably go now since my parents are getting mad. i'll talk to you tomorrow!

~Justy

Nice. I like it! and thanks so so much for changing it back!!
There was a few things i did notice thought that i think
should be changed. Like when a character is speaking you
should move what they say to a new paragraph and not
just keep writing

"Oh really" I said. "That's bull and you know it!"

And i think you might've forgot the question mark there!
haha it was really good though! i can't wait to see whats
going to happen next!

~Justy

[quote="peace-love-dream"]This is a very very very very rough draft of the very beginning of my book. It needs to be revised a lot so please don't hesitate to criticize

[quote]I wasn’t sure how much longer I could take this. Friends are supposed to be like glue,[b]but lately, mine [/b]are more like a used piece of tape. I found myself, yet again, in the school lobby after the bell watching [s]another[/s] fight among my friends unfold. [b]When the fights had first started, I'd tried[/b] to be a mediator and help them work it out, but [b]after realizing [/b]that this just put me in the middle of the argument and I gave up.[/quote]

[quote]Then, suddenly, he emerged from the classroom next to me. His white-blond hair was striking, but I barely noticed it. How could I with those two, brilliant, blue eyes staring right into [b]mine for a moment [/b]or two before he continued down the hall. I watched him walk out the front door and turn the corner. I didn’t know it at the time, but within a few seconds, my life had changed forever.[/quote]

-----------------------------

[quote]I tapped my foot on the floor and stared at the clock, completely oblivious to what Mr. Swagner, my second semester chemistry teacher, [b]had just told us[/b]. [/quote]

[quote]Suddenly the bell rang and [s]I [/s]woke me from my daydream. Swiftly[b],[/b] I got up with my book and made a beeline for the door.[/quote]

I didn't have very much time [s]though[/s] before the mob of students who had long waited for the weekend pushed me the rest of the way to my locker. While I was getting my books I shook the unwanted thought[b]s[/b] from my head and once again concentrated on my plans for tonight.

We were going with Laurie, the only one of us old enough to drive [s]everyone[/s], and I was anxious to get out of there.

[quote]Later, when we were stuffed with pizza [s]and had made a previous trip to the grocery store[/s],[b] we sat in a circlein my basement with flashlights surrounding us [/b](we would use candles but my mom said we'd burn the house down). [/quote]

Nice! I really like the story so far. It has an interesting beginning and you're doing a great job helping your readers get to know your characters. I already have an image in my head for most of them, and that's only after a few aragraphs. I can tell it's going to be a great story, so keep writing-fast!

Hello! Well, Here goes. I really liked it. I thought it was very original. However, I do think you could maybe use dialogue? I think there is an artical on it somewhere for if you need to know what it is. Basically it's like a script, with speech. Anyhow, loving the story sweetie. Please feel free to ask me to review your work whenever. SakurafallsSweetly♥ x

That last paragraph is far too long. You're going to have to chunk that down into at least three or four smaller paragraphs. It seems that you forgot that when you start a new person's dialogue, you're supposed to drop a line, otherwise it's incredibly difficult to read.4

She also sounds like a bit of a Mary-Sue and a bit Bella Swanesque with the whole being allowed a massive sleepover in her basement thing, and it's slightly cliché. I mean, if someone could afford all that, wouldn't they go to a private school?

I think maybe you need to revise the idea a little bit and change it, so far I'm getting the feel that this isn't going to be an amazing series, but I could be proven wrong if you put a little bit of work into it. (:

Hello, Miss Summer Night at your service♥

Okay, I actually really liked this story. Yes it is kinda Twilight-ish but that really does not bother me. If you write more please pm me. Thanks!

Bye!