Feelings.

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Love...
Is the sun that makes you wake.
The fruit that keeps you fed.
The spring that flourishes within.

Love...
Makes words of power.
Giving a new meaning to the truth.
Making way for lies.

Love...
Is seeking change.
Seeking acceptance.
Never giving way into resignation, submission.

Love...
Is beauty.
Not bought by riches , by prayers.
Untamed like a wolve's haul.

Love...
Is the courage.
The courage to walk by their side.
The courage it takes to give your heart expecting to fall.




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That is really good. It's honestly a poem I would print out and tape inside my locker haha~
I'm the first to post and I think I know why.. maybe nobody knows how to review it.
That's not a bad thing, I believe it's good in your case.
I can't really see anything that needs to be changed in this poem, it seems really good to me.

All I can say is, keep up the good work!

-Jassie
"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."
-Cyril Connolly
For more of my tutorials: http://myspace.keonnected.com/jsimms/en/index.html




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Points 4299
Reviews 127
Hello there!
I am Incognito, and I am going to review your work today!
Just a fore warning, I have no qualifications for poetry, meaning I can only tell you what I know and personal thoughts.
Let us begin!

Okay, the first stanza:
Love...
Is the sun that makes you wake.
The fruit that keeps you fed.
The spring that flourishes within.

I don't think there is an actual way in giving punctuation to poetry other than using common sense. What I noticed is that you ended every other sentence after 'love...' with a period when that is not actually how it should be if you look at it logically. When you have an ellipse (the '...'), it is usually used to reflect that you are going to continue it or the reader is supposed to trail off in thought. This case it is going to continue.

What is wrong is that the first and second periods on those sentences need to be actual commas, (I think). That is because logically when you look at it, with the periods the second and third sentence don't make sense. The first one does with the 'Love.. is the sun that makes you wake.' The others don't. When you put the commas at the end, I believe it would logically make more sense because then it shows that you are continuing it into almost on huge sentence, the pauses still there to give effect, but if you were reading it like an actual story, it would work.

My second comment is your choice in sentence of 'The spring that flourishes within'. The reason why I picked this out is because it is minorly confusing for me. That is simply because their is two meanings for 'spring' and that is a water spring or the season spring. If it was actually a water spring, it would definitely not make sense because how can a spring flourish within? This is just a personal thought, but I think you could try to rephrase it to prevent confusion.

The second stanza:
Love...
Makes words of power.
Giving a new meaning to the truth.
Making way for lies.

Okay first off, the punctuation that I rambled on before, comes into play here, even more because these sentences flow off of each other. What I think you could even do is have a comma replacing the first period and then no punctuation for the second. It makes sense either way.

I particular like this stanza because I believe it has a lot of meaning. The only thing that I am going to pick out is the rhythm factor. The third line is out of the rhythm for the rest of the poem. Rhythm is vital for poems unless it is indeed prose, and the rhythm also affects the way the stanzas should be placed out. What I believe you could do to fix that problem in this stanza is to simply take out the 'the' before 'truth'. That way you take out that extra syllable.

The third stanza:
Love...
Is seeking change.
Seeking acceptance.
Never giving way into resignation, submission.

Punctuation wise for this stanza is simply to take away the first period and replace it with nothing, and the second period is to be be changed into a comma. The reason for that is simple, because the second sentence and the third sentence really work together, and make a lot more sense that way simply put.

Now the rhythm for this stanza is really off for this one because the syllable counts are off for all three. For the first two, what you can do is actually add an 'and' after 'change'. It would still make sense with the taking away the period. It would also give you the bonus syllable to even up those two. I think it works perfectly.

Now the last phrase though has gone way over the limit for your syllables. I would recommend really rephrasing that sentence, making it shorter because even when I read it, I can find words that you don't need in there. What you could possibly do you shorten it and keep the rhythm is to change it to 'never resigning' or 'never submitting'. It keeps the syllable count at five.

Fourth Stanza:
Love...
Is beauty.
Not bought by riches , by prayers.
Untamed like a wolve's haul.

First off, you need to fix up your punctuation for the sentences by any means suit you. One thing you need to make sure you fix is the space then the comma. There is never supposed to be a space then a comma.

The next thing is your spelling errors. Your words resemble how they are supposed to be, but not quite. Your spelling errors are the errors bolded. First thing first is the first word in the spelling errors. It should actually be 'wolf's'. The reason why you spelt that wrong is simply because you pluralized 'wolf' when you shouldn't have. and also when you pluralize a word it ends with 's' and when you want to add possession to that word that ends in an 's' just add an apostrophe afterwards. The second error is 'haul'. I think you were trying to go for 'howl' here. They are just simple mistakes.

Now for rhythm with this stanza you have gotten off again. What I suggest you could possibly do is bring 'not bought' to the first sentence, leave no punctuation, and leave the rest at the bottom sentence. It may not seem to make sense to first time poetry readers, but that actually makes perfect sense. I have seen loads of people doing that. ;3

The last sentence is again really long. I don't know how you could fix it to match the syllable count, but rephrasing is needed. A simple comment I just have to say towards that line though is that I don't know how a wolves howl could be untamed when they are so beautifully done, masterfully, every note meaning something else in a wolfy language.

And the last stanza:
Love...
Is the courage.
The courage to walk by their side.
The courage it takes to give your heart expecting to fall.

You need to fix the punctuation here. I believe you could just change the first two periods to commas and you are set. ;3

Now for rhythm wise, I have no idea how I could help you here without changing the whole entire poem, so I think that means calling for rephrasing or adding a couple adjectives to the first line or something. I have no idea.

Now the last thing I am going to comment on is the content of the last line. It doesn't make sense in a literal sense. There is no breaks or anything and it just doesn't make sense anyway how I try to decipher it. I think I know what you were trying for, so I think I could rephrase it. Try 'The courage it takes to give your heart, when you expect it to break' or something. You have no rhythm pattern for this last stanza so there is nothing I can really go off of.

Now overall, I am not quite sure if this is the kind of poem that actually should have rhythm or not, but here is a tip I was told about poetry a long time ago. With rhythm because it is so tricky, try reading out loud one sentence then reading another out to compare the syllables and to see how well they match up. Another strategy you could use is a simple one that I personally use a lot when reviewing poetry. Grab a pencil and tap out all the syllables and then you can get a syllable count for each stanza. It depends on what kind of poem you are writing which the syllable counts can vary in different points. It think it works fairly well.

Now another thing I should like to tip about is that a lot of people who read poetry love to hear the imagery, the pictures that only certain poets can leave. I am personally a fan of this muse. Describe things in your writing, bound by the rules of poetry. Give things a picture using adjectives and adverbs. There was a lot of places in your writing were you could possibly actually add those couple adjectives to make the syllable count match up, and that could make your poem visually, a masterpiece.

This poem did have an excellent meaning certainly. I really did enjoy it. I found it very great. I have never been able to define the emotion of love before, and in the way you did it, I think you accomplished that greatly. That was a great poem to read and I hope I was helpful.
~Incognito
'Everyone is entitled to be stupid, some just abuse the priviledge.'



"I think; therefore, I am."
— René Descartes