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Hey! This is my first post on a draft I've written. Feel free to critique or, better yet, go to my website: www.shylanott.webs.com for more of my book's draft and leave any comments there too!

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IF I HAD known I would die in less than one month’s time, I might have done things a little differently. Said a few more I love you’s, gone skiing, maybe an only visit to the Statue of Liberty. But that’s the thing about death; none of us really know when we’re nearing our expiration dates. We’re all meant to check out in one form or another, if it be in a car crash or choking on a Starburst, or everybody’s favorite – natural causes. Nobody goes on living forever and when we get right down to it, death, for most, is a hard verity to digest. Some of us never do. So the question isn’t how or where or even why, but when will we finally keel over? And did we do all that we could with the time we were given? Or was our time wasted converting oxygen into carbon dioxide just that, sucking the oxygen right out of the air like unending vacuums and pushing out a byproduct of CO2 remnants.

Were we just going through the motions: wake up, eat, sleep, and eventually die? Are the lives we lead a complete waste?

It’s true not all of us were roaming the earth waiting for Death to knock at our doors trying to figure out what to make out of life and what to do with ourselves. No, some became scientists, heroes, revolutionaries, artists, and entertainers; and if you were one of the very few who made it that far…congrats.

What about the other ninety-five percent of the population out there suffering to make ends meet? You know the ones without Einstein’s brain or Gandhi’s insight or Michelangelo’s stature.

What about me?

From a medical standpoint, most of the human body is made of six simple elements: carbon, hydrogen, oxygen, nitrogen, phosphorous, and calcium. Knowing this, it amazes me how the human body works, is able to produce emotion, thought, and feeling from things like carbon and nitrogen and such.

I guess maybe I’m scared of death too. What will happen when I die? Assuming that I get bored easily in church and never ‘talk’ to Him outside of it, my best bet is that I will end up on the straight shot express to Hell Island.

Kidding. I’m sure it’s not an island.

Hey there shy! So, I checked out the site first of all and it looks awesome. There’s not much there, but it looks very cool. Anyway, on to the review.

IF I HAD known I would die in less than one month’s time…

So, this is a bit wordy, and as an opening line, there has to be a lot of short, fast, sharp impact. It’s about hooking, grabbing, and pulling. Try shortening it up to: If I had known that I would be dead in less then a month…”

Said a few more I love you’s, gone skiing, maybe an only visit to the Statue of Liberty.

My problem here is that this is an incomplete sentence. Try: “I’d have said a few more “I love you’s,” gone skiing, made a visit to the Statue of Liberty.”

…and feeling from things like carbon and nitrogen and such.

I’ve got an issue with the bolded portion for a reason and that’s because of your use of the words ‘and such.’ It’s sloppy and can show a lack of creativity. Obviously listing all six of the elements again would just appear repetitive so why not just replace the bolded portion with: “those six simple substances.” (I’m a geek for alliteration. ^^)

Overall, this isn’t bad and I like the way you executed the one-on-one tone of writing. Other then that I don’t have much else to say.

Any questions or comments, just send me a PM.

~lilymoore

I have decided to review your story, which I enjoy very much, but there were a few things I found with this that I decided to point out to you for future reference which would be useful.

none of us really know when we’re nearing our expiration dates

Near our expiry dates. :B

[quote]Kidding. I’m sure it’s not an island.[/qupte]
For some reason, I don't think the kidding bit is really appropriate. Maybe a 'I doubt it's an island in reality' would fit more?

Plot
Well, as far as I can tell from this small extract, the plot is rather good. All I know is it's about death, but it seems pretty interesting with the whole wondering 'if I'd known I was going to die...' because it makes me wonder what the protagonist actually did before she died.

Characters
Well, this character doesn't seem Mary-Sueish so far. Her P.O.V takes on a nice tone and she seems like a strong character, the normal sort of person perhaps with quirky traits, just like the average person with her own character, so I like it.

Overall, I really like the tone in the writing, how it's not too descriptive but at the same time gives enough information and the casual voice it takes on, as if it's a person really talking about their experiences. Make sure you keep it up, since aside the few errors and the things the people above mentioned, it truly is an excellent piece of writing which leaves me hungry for more. [: