The city moves forward whilst I stand still

Not in the progress sense of the idiom,
Certainly, I see no progress in this—

No progress at all in the choking city streets,
that is home to that person, who lives in a box,
at the foot of a hundred story bulding.

No progress at all for that person who licks the
trash of Starbucks from the garbage cans
in front of the high-end mall.

And true, the buildings are in the heavens.
They hold the stars up on their shoulders
and their high-speed elevators transfer humans
to the Moon.

There is no progress in that.

No progress in the sky, the non-existent sky—
The sky that is hidden from view by all those towers
and all those lights. They hint at finery
and at grandeur,
But ‘tis but a firework display,
short, fleeting, beautiful, blinding—
but when the show ends, the buildings are only still,
and empty frames,

Like the skeleton of the dead.

And at the side of the skeleton is the man in the box,
who tastes Starbucks by licking it off the city canals;
sharing his finery with the rats and the roaches.

The city moves forward, and I stand still—
because I see no progress in this.

Ok, review time. I don't know how good this will be, but here we go.

I read through it and wondered what you meant by this poem. I gave it a little thought, and the best conclution I could come to was that you don't like the way that all this new stuff they have invented is killing the world around us? That's all I could come up with, but now to the review part of this.

I think that the line that I didn't like was the line that says, "Like the skeleton of the dead." I may just be me, but to me it didn't fit for me. That's your call I suppose.

I do like the ending of this poem. It shows alot about the poem in just two lines.

Oh well keep writing.

-Flower-

I think it's about how the city is supposed to be full of prospects and opportunities, but there is no place for those who may need it's support ie tramps etc, who live in these "glamorous" places, ironically experiencing starbucks a global corporation with millions behind it by licking someones leftovers.
Hm, not feeling particularly articulate atm so not sure if I'm conveying what I mean very well.
But I do see what this is about, and I think this seems depreciated, it's very insightful, and has a meaning behind it, a nice moral to leave us thinking about after reading.
Nice

xxx

Hey Nixie ^^ Shina here as requested!
Luckily, I've seen what it's like in the Philippines and I know about how in some parts of the Philippines people throw rocks at visitor's cars because they don't donate money =_= And other awful things like that.

And now, onto the review.

Not in the progress sense of the idiom,
Certainly, I see no progress in this—

I know this is supposed to be for the college paper, so there are all types of people who will be reading it, and maybe some people might not be very deep or poetic when it comes to reading poetry, but I think that you either need to rephrase this or scrap it because it makes things more confusing.
The first line is sort of slow-paced, and then you get to the next line and it darts forward and I had to reread it 4 times to understand exactly what was going on. The first line sets the pace of the poem, remember that

No progress at all in the choking city streets,

The word "progress was used twice above, and now it's being used a lot down here. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it kind of seems like, like it doesn't fit. When you say "progress" the readers usually think "business" and "economy" and "work" when I think you're more on the side for "hope" and "opportunity".

Also, I don't think "choking" is the right word here. The streets there aren't really "choking", there's just a lot of people trying to go their own way. Maybe "hectic" or "overflowing" or maybe you could descibe how everyone there only cares about where they're going, and no about anyone else, really.

that is home to that person, who lives in a box,
at the foot of a hundred story *bulding.

Building*
Remove the comma after "person"
This is rather, flat. When you talk about these people who live on the streets, you need to paint a picture! What about the looks in their eyes? Are they wild, savage even as they hunt for their next meal? Is it sadness and heartbreak that glints with the faint glimmer of hope?
You need to make this 2D idea into 3D, and then personalize it with what you see to bring it to the fourth dimension.

No progress at all for that person who licks the
trash of Starbucks from the garbage cans
in front of the high-end mall.

I think you're trying to feel sympathy towards these people, but when you say "progress", it sounds like they're wasting their lives when really, if most of them had the opportunity to have a life, they'd be doing better things.

Also, "high-end" doesn't seem like the right word choice here.

And true, the buildings are in the heavens.
They hold the stars up on their shoulders
and their high-speed elevators transfer humans
to the Moon.

Moon isn't capitalized. Semi-colon after "heavens".
Also, I don't think that the metaphor with the elevators and the moon was too great. I think maybe instead of "transfer" you could use "transport" because that's usually the phrase they use in space movies. Also, I think that maybe the word "moon" wasn't a good choice. Maybe, "atmosphere".

No progress in the sky, the non-existent sky—
The sky that is hidden from view by all those towers
and all those lights. They hint at finery
and at grandeur,
But ‘tis *but a firework display,
short, fleeting, beautiful, blinding—
but when the show ends, the buildings are only still,
and empty frames,

In the 5th line the repitition of "but" ruins the flow. Maybe change it to "But 'tis nothing more than a firework display(; you need a semicolon) short, fleeting, beautiful, blinding--"

Like the skeleton of the dead.

Good comparison ^^

And at the side of the skeleton is the man in the box,
who tastes Starbucks by licking it off the city canals;
sharing his finery with the rats and the roaches.

Tying it all in together, good.

The city moves forward, and I stand still—
because I see no progress in this.

And now, everything is tied together ^^

First of all, I think you should change the title to "The city moves forward" because when you add "whilist I stand still", it kind of sums up your poem to a point where the readers don't really need to read the poem. Make the title a cliffhanger, a hook to your poem.


For ideas, it was good. However, the descriptions, most of them, were flat. You're better at painting images and illustrating worlds, Nixie! You need to bring life to this poem and use that imagery you used in my contest! Give it feeling, give the reader emotion, and transport us there. Paint the world you're showing us, don't tell us about the man in the box. Show us him! How do they look? Their pain? Their suffering?

How about the people who just care about themselves and the business? What about the true evil in human kind that surfaces when they neglect their own kind, and sometimes, laugh at them.

And what happened to your poetry that always had that ounce of light in it that shows there's still hope. Where are you in this poem? Why are you standing still? Where is that single person who's giving up what they have to help people?

Maybe that's not what you want to show in this poem, but you need to remember that the MC shouldn't be flat, they need to be a dynamic character somehow. In this one, the narrator isn't really changing. She's just standing their, watching. She doesn't even feel guilty for standing there, watching people suffer, when she can help.

In all honesty, she's just as bad for those people who move on with "progress" because she's not reaching out a hand. She's just watching and waiting for something to happen when she could be the doing something.

Overall: I liked it, but you need to blow life into it. Make yourself the narrator and put yourself in their place. Don't be afraid to give yourself into the poem because that's what it's all about

Hope that helped!
-Shina