Promised

Freeze your words
And make a promise.
Let me savor it,
Cherish it,
And remember it forever.

I’ll hold this against you,
Every last word.
Even when your promised
To paint the sky
The same color as my eyes.

Evergreen? The shade of your dreams?
Remember then, love?
When your ballads had meaning?

You pledged your love for me.
Yes, you solemnly swore.
Don’t know what I’m talking about?
But sweetie, I got it on camera.

I warned you,
Years and years ago.
You should’ve been listening,
But I guess you were “asleep”.

Regret your deceit?
Disappointed in your lies?
You won’t lie, dear.
That’s what you promised.

Hey there!!


Well! I must say!! This poem is just wonderful!! You did great with the wording and I liked the fact that It didn't even rhyme, but it was still a great poem!! The title of this poem just completely jumped out at me because my poems' names have similar titles! You did a great job with this piece!!!


Keep it up my dear!!


~*Hailey,<3

Hello,
This is a wonderful, powerful poem, however it seemed as though nothing really... I don't know how to explain it. Nothing really happened, if you understand what I mean. As far as I can tell there are no mistakes, and it is very nice.
One thing I would say, though, is that you should maintain a steady tempo. When you changed from a five-line- to a three-line- to a four-line-stanza it struck me off course.
Anyhow, this is a great poem. You should be proud.
-Macs

Hi Shina!

Okay first. Too many questions. True, they're mostly rhetorical questions, they don't leave the reader questioning, but that almost makes them all the more unnecessary. You could as easily pose them as statements, or leave some of them out. Where poetry is concerned, my advice is the fewer questions the better.

I really like the first stanza (though you forgot a period); I think you could make it even more powerful a beginning by adding something to let us use one of the five senses. For instance, the word "savor" brings to mind holding something in your mouth, tasting it, relishing it. But you don't quite get the far with just the word "savor". You could describe it as I did, talking about tasting it, relishing it on the tongue; you could use the sense of touch, describe it as solid, or cold, or something that would reflect how trustworthy this promise is. If you described it as solid, we'd be thinking "oh, this promise will hold". If you described it as cold, we'd be thinking "this promise doesn't mean much; there's nothing behind it; it's emotionless, this person has no motivation to keep the promise."

"I’ll hold this against you,
Every last word." Hold the promise against them? I think it would be more apt if you said that you would hold them to it. You haven't said yet that they've broken the promise. This person doesn't have a grudge to hold yet, doesn't have something to be upset about yet, if we haven't been told that they broke the promise. So did you mean that they would hold them to it? Make them keep it?


"Even when you promised
To paint the sky
The same color as my eyes."
These lines, again, I really like. I do think it would flow more smoothly if you made "Even when you promised / to paint the sky" one line, rather than two.


"Evergreen? The shade of your dreams?
Remember then, love?
When your ballads had meaning?" D: Too many questions!! If only these were statements, words like "evergreen' and "ballads" would stand out just like they ought to. Arrange the way they are, I'm not even sure what "evergreen" has anything to do with. Because, not only do you have questions, but they're disjointed. Even if you just connected them and made them less like a conversation that has responses we're not hearing, it would sound better.


"You pledged your love for me.
Yes, you solemnly swore."
You can go deeper than that. Anyone can say that. As the author of this poem you have insight that we readers can only get through you. You can tell us what they're thinking, how they feel, you can describe the scene to us. But this; anyone can say this. And since that's true, the odds are that it has been said quite a number of times. But you can tell us what is unique about this specific case and makes it worth telling about.


"Don’t know what I’m talking about?
But sweetie, I got it on camera." Another question that can be nixed. If you decide you absolutely cannot manage without it, at least make it a full sentence. "Don't' you know what I'm talking about?" "You don't know what I'm talking about?" or something of the sort.
For the second line here, you could add a "look". "Look sweetie, I got it on camera." It gives it more of a tone like they're flaunting the evidence, then just pityingly stating a fact. Whether you change it or not of course depends on which tone you were going for.


"I warned you,
Years and years ago.
You should’ve been listening,
But I guess you were “asleep”.
Why? How? What did it sound like? (I don't think the quotations are necessary) What kind of sleep? A doze? A coma? Was it a subtle warning? Did you blare it out so all the world could have heard it? What didn't you do that would have have woken them up? Description, description. (And try to use some of the 5 senses)


"Regret your deceit?
Disappointed in your lies?" Aaaah! Questions!! If you made it a statement, you could tell use how you can tell that they regret it, that they're disappointed. You could describe it in a way specific to this situation and this person, a way that's never been seen before and won't be seen again. See what an opportunity you're missing? Only you have seen this scene, this scenario. though there have been ones like it. So only you know just what it was like, and how it was different from other ones that should make us care about it.


"You won’t lie, dear.
That’s what you promised." This last line might be more effective, be more striking, if you put it simply "You promised." And since you just mentioned this person's former lying habits, maybe say "You won't lie anymore, dear."


So much potential here, dear. I loved some of your word choices, and especially those three lines (which would be good as two): "Even when you promised / To paint the sky / The same color as my eyes."

A little more detail here, some extra description there, some insight into what makes this situation different from any other, spice it up with your unique word choices, and the lovely flow this piece had, and it will be spectacular.

Good luck!