Fighting

I feel alone.
They're shouting again
Maybe I can Escape?
No.

-I hear it everywhere
There's a vice sitting on my chest
like an unbearable weight
like my heart would break
like this world's gonna end all over again.
Will this be the time?
Who will snap?
Will the D- word be mentioned,
just like it was before?
I wish it would stop

Doors slam.
Ten minutes later,
it's like nothing happened.
An elephant is near,
but no one says a word.

Now to everyone else we're all smiles and sweetness
sickening candy in my mouth
I hate the illusion of happines!

The vice is still there
waiting to squeeze harder and harder
Until I burst.

Hi, Gwendolen! Welcome to YWS! Don't forget the 2:1 policy - make sure to do 2 reviews for every 1 piece of writing that you post.

I like this. The emotions are really good. You have some good images too, but right now it's kind of... obvious? The reader knows exactly what you're talking about, and there's not much left for his imagination, you know? I think you could make it a little more interesting by masking some of it - do more showing and less telling.

An elephant is near,

but no one says a word.

I love, love, love this.

Why did you format the second stanza the way you did?

Keep up the good work! (Sorry, that felt like an annoying teacher.) I can't wait to see more.
-Rachel

First Impressions

Emotional poems tend to be a little more difficult to convey, and I can see that you've had issues with Imagry here. Understanding and creating effective Imagry when it comes to writing Emotional Poetry is difficult, as emotions are harder to convey than actions tend to be.

The main issue I am seeing is the lack of poetic device and the laundry list style you have going throughout some parts. The middle stanza in particular is very repetitive in a negative way. Instead of creating images, you're throwing them at us. "it was like this, and like this, and like this..." it becomes sort of dull and not very effective.

Content

There is one idea in this piece that I really adore. The idea of the vice squeezing, it's highly effective. I would love to see you take that image, and base the rest of the piece around it. Rather than saying "I feel like this when I am depressed." descrive the feeling of the vice, tell us about the pressure, and the pain. Instead of telling us what it feels like, draw us into your world and force us to feel it with you.

Overall

I would love to see you rewrite this with the idea of the vice. Try focusing on one image, and building the rest around it and making it stronger, rather than having several weaker images.

Best of luck!

OverEasy

Hello!!


Your poem was wonderful! I really enjoyed it and felt the simmering emotions. One thing I should suggest though (As said above), Is maybe to mask the poem. I'm not saying you have to change everything, just change a few words. It's probably better for the reader to use their imaginations, instead of being so straight-forward (unless, of course, that's what you were aiming for!)


Again, lovely poem! Can't wait to read more from you.


(Also, just a suggestion, but maybe you could make the poem seem as if it's in the eyes of a little kid...That would be pretty cool!)


~*Hailey,<3

Well done I like your poem its really strong and bold with emotion but like someone else said i suggest that you make a little less blunt and take some of the description out so that the reader can think and imagine it a bit more! On the whole a great poem.

i guess i'm pretty much agreeing with everyone else, i love the idea of the piece, i really liked these lines

There's a vice sitting on my chest
like an unbearable weight
like my heart would break
like this world's gonna end all over again.

they just seemed to jump out at me and flow really well, just loved the imagery of something hurting so much it was unbearable and broke your heart.
I think i would be better if more of the poem was like this, if (echoing other people) it was a bit less straightforward and had some more subtlety in it.
But overall, i loved it!
X