Shoulda Been Simple: Chapter One

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Aunt Leona was here.
She was never here except when she needed my parents’ assistance with family matters.
The heart-stopping oddity of this situation was that she was talking to my parents in the living room when I walked in the house. Usually, there would be the doorbell, the door itself opening, the sharp flowery scent of Chanel No. 5 perfume, the faintest glimpse of Leona’s lush eyelashes fluttering at me in a hello, then the murmurs that faded as Leona and my parents clacked down the hallway.
Then I would hear the door to my dad’s home office close. And the lock clicking into place.
But now she was perched on our couch, the mingle of cigarette smoke and my aunt’s perfume replacing sensory memories of my time over at my friend’s house.
“I just don’t know what to do about him,” her elfin soprano strummed at my ears. “I’d never really picked up on the fact….”
Her voice trailed off as she caught me in the doorway. Her lips twisted up in a crooked, almost sardonic smile.
“Hello, Justin,” she nodded at me between hits on the cigarette. “How are you?”
“Good. I…invited Kira over for dinner, if that’s okay.”
My mom nodded at me, murmured to Leona, “Maybe you’d better go.”
“Oh, yes. Yes. I need to make sure everything is right for Andres’s party tomorrow.” Aunt Leona stood up with a pack of Camels in her other hand. “See you tomorrow night at five.”
She breezed past me and out the door. My mom and dad were already walking towards the kitchen. When I offered to help with dinner, my parents refused. So I wound up in my room, lip-synching the words to a Rufus Wainwright song until Kira flew in.
“Good evening!” she trilled, hugging me and kissing me passionately. “I forgot to do my Daily Test today while you were at my house, so…”
“So, are you still a lesbian?” I asked her.
She nodded, sitting by me, “Either that or you’re a bad kisser.”
“Which isn’t exactly possible.” I winked.
Kira smiled at my stereo, “Is this Across the Universe? Rufus Wainwright?”
My nod confirmed it.
“Oh-Em-Gee! But after this, Britney? I need some ‘If U Seek Amy’ action.” Kira winked.
I rolled my eyes, grinning, “Whatever. What about Leona Lewis? That leaked song…?”
“And I keep telling you that damn voice is not Leona.”
“She’s using her lower register.”
“Oh, puh-leeze.”
“Kira, your falsetto makes you sound like you’re part of Alvin and the Chipmunks.”
“Which is a good thing,” Kira scowled at me.
“Admittedly, yes, but it makes you sound different.” I scowled back.
“But when I used the whistle register for the entire bridge in ‘Hope’, I still sounded like me. And remember that night I did it and I had a cold. I sounded different. Plus, that was the whistle register, which is way harder and higher than a falsetto, and thus a different texture than a simple falsetto.”
“That’s your opinion.”
“Which could be translated in hard, cold, smart-ass logic that is unbeatable. And I am telling you the damn voice is not Leona Lewis.”
I changed the subject, “My aunt came over today.”
“Uh-huh?” Kira started picking at a hole in her jeans.
“She wasn’t in the study.”
That coerced her in an eyebrow raise, “Uh-huh…”
“And she left when I came in.”
Kira’s lips pursed, “You think she was talking about you?”
“Or something related to me.”
Kira cocked a brow, “You really think so?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, ask your parents!”
I scoffed, “Like they would actually answer.”
“You never know, Justin.”
I changed the subject, “Are you staying over tonight?”
“Duh. Unless you decided you were straight and wanted to fuck me, no thanks.”
“No, I’m still gay.”
Kira poked her tongue at me, grinning, “Good.”

--

Dinner was a silent affair, with Kira chattering away about this latest development with PFLAG or that “totally gay car I saw the other day.” My mom kept darting me glances, something shifting behind her eyes that was unreadable. Dad, however, was stuck on Kira, his face a comical combination of skeptics and fascination.
After dinner, she pulled me to the piano, saying, “I think I finally found a smooth melody for the lyrics you wrote last week.”
“Which one?” I replied as I sat beside her.
“You’ll see,” was all she said before she touched her fingers to the keys. A slow, luxuriant blues-tinged ballad wove its lazy way in my ears. Then Kira started singing.
Unlike almost all of the Celine Dion wannabes in the greater Seattle area, Kira Wise was trained and she had talent. Like unbeatable, amazing talent. Before she moved to Mercer Island, she said, she’d been trained at an excellent arts school in musical areas. She told me she’d been trained in opera before making the switch to rock, plus she’d gotten credibility for being a near-unbeatable composer. Her only weak spot was lyrics.
Hence where I’d come in. She’d enlisted in the creative writing class junior year and when she’d heard my prose, she’d asked me if I could write lyrics.
“Yeah, I love writing them.” I’d replied.
“Can you give me some?” she’d asked.
The next morning, she had pulled me in the music room and proceeded to knock me out with an amazing melody for the first actual song I’d written.
Now her voice was intense, with that playfully dramatic touch that could shed light on a death-metal song. Kira called it “the Wise signature.”
And she never ceased to amaze me, especially now when she stretched out the vibrato-laden note at the end of the bridge.
I smiled, “It’s perfect.”
Kira smiled back, “Any more for me?”
“Only a couple of half-finished drafts.”
“Well, finish them soon, or I’ll have to start writing my own lyrics.”
We continued to joke around until almost 11 PM. Mom instructed both of us to get ready for bed.
“Wait, hang on, Justin,” she stopped me in my tracks. “Can I talk to you?”
And we'll be a dream...

"Dee Dubbleyou." - BigBadBear




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There's some grammar errors here and there, but I didn't really feel like pointing them out. Maybe, if you went over the story you will find them and correct them.

On the plot: I am not sure exactly what is supposed to be going on. Are both Kira and Justin gay, or just Justin?

On the writing: It was like you were just giving a play-by-play story telling. There were not much description after the first paragraph or so, and I would like to know exactly what kind of relationship Kira and Justin have.

Overall: I think this story has potention. Just tighten up your writing skills and give much more descriptions to the characters, setting, and Justin's train of thought.
House: People interest me. Conversations don't.
Foreman: Maybe because conversations go both ways.
House & Foreman: Like Thirteen.




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deafwriter_19 wrote:Aunt Leona was here.
She was never here except when she needed my parents’ assistance with family matters. This sentence is kind of awkward. Maybe change the "She was never here except when" to something like "She only came when."
The heart-stopping oddity of this situation was that she was talking to my parents in the living room when I walked in the house. Usually, there would be the doorbell, the door itself opening, the sharp flowery scent of Chanel No. 5 perfume, the faintest glimpse of Leona’s lush eyelashes fluttering at me in a hello, then the murmurs that faded as Leona and my parents clacked down the hallway.
Then I would hear the door to my dad’s home office close. And the lock clicking into place.
But now she was perched on our couch, the mingle of cigarette smoke and my aunt’s perfume replacing sensory memories of my time over at my friend’s house. I like this part here. Good imagery.
“I just don’t know what to do about him,” her elfin soprano strummed at my ears. “I’d never really picked up on the fact….”
Her voice trailed off as she caught me in the doorway. Her lips twisted up in a crooked, almost sardonic smile.
“Hello, Justin,” she nodded at me between hits on the cigarette. “How are you?”
“Good. I…invited Kira over for dinner, if that’s okay.”
My mom nodded at me, murmured to Leona, “Maybe you’d better go.”
“Oh, yes. Yes. I need to make sure everything is right for Andres’s party tomorrow.” Aunt Leona stood up with a pack of Camels in her other hand. “See you tomorrow night at five.” I think you can get rid of the 'other' in here, because you never said if she had something in both hands.
She breezed past me and out the door. My mom and dad were already walking towards the kitchen. When I offered to help with dinner, my parents refused. So, I wound up in my room, lip-synching the words to a Rufus Wainwright song until Kira flew in.
“Good evening!” she trilled, hugging me and kissing me passionately. “I forgot to do my Daily Test today while you were at my house, so…”
“So, are you still a lesbian?” I asked her.
She nodded, sitting by me, “Either that or you’re a bad kisser.” This whole piece of conversation totally confused me the first time I read it, but after I read through it again it made more sense. You might want to clarify a little bit here about what's going on, so other readers don't get confused.
“Which isn’t exactly possible.” I winked.
Kira smiled at my stereo, “Is this Across the Universe? Rufus Wainwright?”
My nod confirmed it.
“Oh-Em-Gee! But after this, Britney? I need some ‘If U Seek Amy’ action.” Kira winked.
I rolled my eyes, grinning, “Whatever. What about Leona Lewis? That leaked song…?”
“And I keep telling you that damn voice is not Leona.”
“She’s using her lower register.”
“Oh, puh-leeze.”
“Kira, your falsetto makes you sound like you’re part of Alvin and the Chipmunks.”
“Which is a good thing,” Kira scowled at me.
“Admittedly, yes, but it makes you sound different.” I scowled back.
“But when I used the whistle register for the entire bridge in ‘Hope’, I still sounded like me. And remember that night I did it and I had a cold. I sounded different. Plus, that was the whistle register, which is way harder and higher than a falsetto, and thus a different texture than a simple falsetto.” Okay, I don't know anything about music, so this part just baffled me. Lower register? Whistle register? Huh? Could you explain this all a little better for people like me who are musically challenged?
“That’s your opinion.”
“Which could be translated in hard, cold, smart-ass logic that is unbeatable. And I am telling you the damn voice is not Leona Lewis.”
I changed the subject, “My aunt came over today.”
“Uh-huh?” Kira started picking at a hole in her jeans.
“She wasn’t in the study.”
That coerced her in an eyebrow raise, “Uh-huh…”
“And she left when I came in.”
Kira’s lips pursed, “You think she was talking about you?”
“Or something related to me.”
Kira cocked a brow, “You really think so?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, ask your parents!”
I scoffed, “Like they would actually answer.”
“You never know, Justin.”
I changed the subject, “Are you staying over tonight?”
“Duh. Unless you decided you were straight and wanted to fuck me, no thanks.”
“No, I’m still gay.”
Kira poked her tongue at me, grinning. “Good.”

--

Dinner was a silent affair, with Kira chattering away about this latest development with PFLAG or that “totally gay car I saw the other day.” My mom kept darting me glances, something shifting behind her eyes that was unreadable. Dad, however, was stuck on Kira, his face a comical combination of skepticism and fascination.
After dinner, she pulled me to the piano, saying, “I think I finally found a smooth melody for the lyrics you wrote last week.”
“Which one?” I replied as I sat beside her.
“You’ll see,” was all she said before she touched her fingers to the keys. A slow, luxuriant, blues-tinged ballad wove its lazy way in my ears. Then Kira started singing.
Unlike almost all of the Celine Dion wannabes in the greater Seattle area, Kira Wise was trained and she had talent. Like unbeatable, amazing talent. Before she moved to Mercer Island, she said, she’d been trained at an excellent arts school in musical areas. This sentence strikes me as very vague. "Musical areas," "training," these can all be specified a bit more. She told me she’d been trained in opera before making the switch to rock, plus she’d gotten credibility for being a near-unbeatable composer. Her only weak spot was lyrics.
Hence where I’d come in. She’d enlisted in the creative writing class junior year and when she’d heard my prose, she’d asked me if I could write lyrics.
“Yeah, I love writing them.” I’d replied.
“Can you give me some?” she’d asked.
The next morning, she had pulled me in the music room and proceeded to knock me out with an amazing melody for the first actual song I’d written.
Now her voice was intense, with that playfully dramatic touch that could shed light on a death-metal song. Kira called it “the Wise signature.”
And she never ceased to amaze me, especially now when she stretched out the vibrato-laden note at the end of the bridge.
I smiled, “It’s perfect.”
Kira smiled back, “Any more for me?”
“Only a couple of half-finished drafts.”
“Well, finish them soon, or I’ll have to start writing my own lyrics.”
We continued to joke around until almost 11 PM. Mom instructed both of us to get ready for bed.
“Wait, hang on, Justin,” she stopped me in my tracks. “Can I talk to you?”


Deafwriter, first off, you are great at describing things, and the ending to this story leaves you wanting to read more, which is perfect. The piece does need a little polishing though. I noted some places of confusion and grammar and punctuation mistakes above in bold, so you may want to ponder changing those. Also, I thought that the story started out well, but when you got into the long amounts of dialogue with Justin and Kira, you didn't add much description. You can add details of where the characters are, what they are doing, and what they look like while they are talking. This would help make the story more entertaining to read, and would help readers visualize what is going on better. And, like Kiki said, I'd like to know more about Justin and Kira's relationship, and maybe something about Justin's relationship with his parents, because this story seems to be leading into some ordeal with them. I think this story can be fantastic, you just need to give it a little more work! I'll be waiting to read more!
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

-Bilbo Baggins, The Fellowship of the Ring, J. R. R. Tolkien




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its great but i think its got some work. like your second reviewer, i'd like to know more about the relationship between kira and justin. is their banter about being gay just teasing, or is it true and their just friends? for me, that was the most confusing part. other than that, though, awesome job!
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Hey there! Hannah, here as requested. ^___^

I. Little Things

The heart-stopping oddity of this situation was that she was talking to my parents in the living room when I walked in the house.


Alright. This is a problem throughout the piece that I'm going to clue you in to now and hope that you can catch some of the others on your own. You have a tendency to phrase things in an overdone way where something simpler would have done the job just as well. For example, here you could have said 'The odd thing about today was that she was talking to my parents in the living room etc.'. Try to keep it simple. Don't go out of your way to say it in a weird new way, because it usually ends up being confusing instead. =]

Usually, there would be the doorbell, the door itself opening, the sharp flowery scent of Chanel No. 5 perfume, the faintest glimpse of Leona’s lush eyelashes fluttering at me in a hello, then the murmurs that faded as Leona and my parents clacked down the hallway.


Why not make this active rather than passive? Say, 'usually, the door bell would ring, the door would open, wafting in the sharp flowery, etc.' That way, the description will stand out more and not seem so list-y.

But now she was perched on our couch, the mingle of cigarette smoke and my aunt’s perfume replacing sensory memories of my time over at my friend’s house.


Another thing that you do kind of often is to use really cool words to describe really mundane actions and though the intention is nice, it doesn't always work. For example, here, where you say 'perched', it gives the image of her balancing on the back of the couch. xD Secondly, the thing about 'sensory memories' is too overdone, like I've said, so phrase it more simply.

“I just don’t know what to do about him,” her elfin soprano strummed at my ears. “I’d never really picked up on the fact….”


You do this a few times in this piece, so I'm going to mention it here and hope you find the other times. When your description of the dialogue, the dialogue tag, isn't really a dialogue tag, you need to use a period and start a new sentence. So, instead of a comma after him, here, you'd put a period and capitalize 'her'. Besides that, though, I don't really like the description of an 'elfin' soprano, because what is that supposed to mean? xD Describe what it means to you so the reader will get the same image.

“Good evening!” she trilled, hugging me and kissing me passionately.


So, I completely missed most of this description because readers tend to skip over dialogue tags. Then, when you started talking about the fact that she'd kissed him, I was like 'wait, when did this happen?' Give it more focus. Maybe describe it for just a sentence more.

“But when I used the whistle register for the entire bridge in ‘Hope’, I still sounded like me. And remember that night I did it and I had a cold. I sounded different. Plus, that was the whistle register, which is way harder and higher than a falsetto, and thus a different texture than a simple falsetto.”


All of this goes way over my head and makes me want to skip the whole paragraph. It's your choice whether or not to dumb it down for readers who might not know what any of this means.

Kira cocked a brow, “You really think so?”


I don't get the image of 'cocking a brow'. Why not said 'raised one of her eyebrows'. It's longer, but more clear.

Dinner was a silent affair, with Kira chattering away about this latest development with PFLAG


What is PFLAG? D:

My mom kept darting me glances,


Darting is not the right verb to use here. Maybe shooting would be better.

Dad, however, was stuck on Kira, his face a comical combination of skeptics and fascination.


Keep parallel structure. If fascination is a noun, make skepticism a noun too.

Before she moved to Mercer Island, she said, she’d been trained at an excellent arts school in musical areas. She told me she’d been trained in opera before making the switch to rock, plus she’d gotten credibility for being a near-unbeatable composer.


You need to smooth this area out a lot. It comes as a lot of information and all in one lump. Decide what you need to reveal right now and what is optional, so the reader won't get overloaded.

Hence where I’d come in.


'Hence' doesn't really work here. Just say 'That's where I came in.' I think past tense works, right?

Now her voice was intense, with that playfully dramatic touch that could shed light on a death-metal song. Kira called it “the Wise signature.”


I do not get the meaning of this section at all. o_O;

We continued to joke around until almost 11 PM. Mom instructed both of us to get ready for bed.

“Wait, hang on, Justin,” she stopped me in my tracks. “Can I talk to you?”


This is a really rushed ending. I don't know if you have more to post or not, but either way, this is not a good place to cut. xD Also, that sentence about continuing to joke around gets really tell-y and is odd after being so into the moment. It just kind of breaks away and gets really awkward. You'll need to rework this if it's connected to something else. =]

II. Overall

So, not much happened in this part except that you introduced the characters and their relationships and some sort of problem maybe going on behind the scenes. I think that your characters are developing pretty well, but that you'll need to keep adding to their personalities as you keep writing (now I'm just assuming that you have more to this story, because otherwise, it has no plot at all and would need some to stand alone).

I really love the way you are so into describing the music and the sounds, but sometimes it goes overboard, like that place I pointed out. Don't forget about feeling, scent, or just plain sight. =]

PM me if you have any questions or if you'd like anything else reviewed, okay? =D

-Hannah-
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Depression is messin with the wrong person over here cuz in the months that I was doing better I was sharpening my weapons for this war.
— Kaia