romanticore

romanticore

to view the screams of scarlet contempt
is to hear the searing flame
of the night's numb silence
like the rose and its thorn
has a bitter bite of dark angels
that shall never taste flowing beams
from the sun and all softly killing stars we reach
in reaches sweet unknown to we
who whilst deathly unaware
the sour keening winds
bring change for better or worse

Good morrow friend, and welcome to our society. I hope that you enjoy your stay.
I really enjoyed your poem, it has a lot of lovely and interesting imagery and some of the semiotic choices are quite clever.
However, of course there are one or two problems. Firstly, I was a little bit off-put by the poem's lack of punctuation.
Also the metre was a little inconsistent; this too was a tad unnerving.
However these are simple things to amend.

Good luck

Kris

Hey, love~ I'm actually really sorry that it has taken me so long to get to this, but you know, spending time /with/ you is slightly more important. xD

First of all, I have to say that the concept you told me about, the sensory description of things that wouldn't usually be described by that sense, is a really cool idea, and I think that a lot could be done with it. However, I don't know that you explored it as fully as you could have, and I think that you could do this poem a lot more justice with just a few edits.

is to hear the searing flame

of the night's numb silence

Also, this part had good intention, but it didn't quite make sense. First you speak of hearing the flame of the night, you know, but then you make the object the silence instead of the night. Hearing the night, or more specifically, hearing the darkness would fit with your overall intention of the poem, but you kind of negate it by saying silence.

has a bitter bite of dark angels

that shall never taste flowing beams

I think that 'the bitter bite' would work better than 'a', here, because it lends a specificity to the phrase that I think it needs. 'A bitter bite' seems like the poet has no idea what the bite is, where I think that the poem needs that knowledge. Also, though I like the lack of punctuation, there are some points where it doesn't work that well because when you read it through you sometimes get hung up on points where the tenses of the verbs don't go with the phrase before and then the reader goes 'wait, wha?'

I guess you need to decide whether it's more important to you for the reader to get that sensation or for the reader to be able to focus and mull over the fantastic ideas you put forth with the sensory phrases.

that shall never taste flowing beams

from the sun

I think that the way you included 'flowing', rather than adding the extra flair you might have intended, actually detracts from the poems. Does 'beams' really need an adjective? I think it sounds better as 'taste beams/ from the sun'. Or, if you wanted to be even less wordy, just 'sun beams' would work.

unknown to we

who whilst deathly unaware

the sour keening winds

bring change for better or worse

Okay, this is one of those parts where the lack of punctuation gets confusing. <_<; Because if you take out the descriptive phrase 'whilst deathly unaware', then it is 'unknown to we who the winds bring change' and I think you have to say 'unknown to we to whom the winds bring change', right? I don't know. =] You have to try to keep the message intact even while you take full advantage of your poetic license with the form, birch. ;D

Um, just ask me if you have questions. xDD

I love you!

-Hannah-