Dreaming Durring war

Faster and faster I soar through the sky,
Defeating the enemy before I die

The troops defeat the evil creatures
I take down another, destroying its features

I watch over the fighting army
They all work in harmony

I smile as we destroy our opponents
I smile at all of the destructive components

Everything is coming together
The war will not last forever

An alarm sounds
The war shoots rounds

My eyes flash open

Oh my, It's a poem! Its a good poem! There's lots of emotions in it. I wuv the rhyme scheme! Hehe it almost seems kind of evil with the whole smiling at destroying. It really makes me thing about war! You're better than you think you are! But why the war theme... youdon't know something aI don't right? Anyway I'd love to read more (hint hint write more). Byezz.

Hi! This was amazing! Like, I'm not just saying that. This was really good. Just one little nit-pick though:

I watch over the fighting army
They all work in harmony

This stanza just seemed a bit awkward to me. I can't decide if it was the flow that threw me off, or if it was just that "army" and "harmony" aren't the best rhymes.

One more thing: punctuation. Add it. It helps the flow and it just makes the poem seem nicer and stuff (wow that was specific). Just go through and add a period or a comma where there's a pause and such. Anyway, amazing job. Gold star!

Hi. Welcome to YWS!
This opens well as the first line is dramatic and draws the reader in. I'd add a full stop at the end of each couplet. Actually, I think this as a whole needs more punctuation than that. I hope you don't mind if I show you one way to punctuate this;

"Faster and faster I soar through the sky,

Defeating the enemy before I die.



The troops defeat the evil creatures,

I take down another, destroying its features.



I watch over the fighting army;

They all work in harmony.



I smile as we destroy our opponents-

I smile at all of the destructive components.



Everything is coming together,

The war will not last forever.



An alarm sounds,

The war shoots rounds.



My eyes flash open. "

I'd change ;
"The war shoots rounds."
It doesn't make much sense and sounds forced.

The last line is powerful. Usually I'd discourage the whole "and then I woke up" approach as cliche, but I think it works here.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Welcome to YWS Master ^^ I'm Shina and I'll be your reviewer this evening.

First things first, your title. "During" is spelled with one r xD

Faster and faster, I soar through the sky,
Defeating the enemy before I die.

You need a comma and a period.

The troops defeat the evil creatures
I take down another, destroying its features(.)

Don't forget the period. Also, you can't really "destroy" someone's features, you can vandalize or ruin, but not destory persay. It seems like you jsut chose "features" to rhyme with "creatures"

I watch over the fighting army;
They all work in harmony.

Need a semi-colon. Harmony and Army don't rhyme.

I smile as we destroy our opponents
I smile at all of the destructive components

You need to add a comma and a period, and the "I smile" is repetitive. Try a different word.

Everything is coming together(.)
The war will not last forever(.)

Again, this is not a rhyme.

My eyes flash open

This totally ruins it =_= No one wants to read something and in the end learn that it was just a dream.

Overall: Your rhyme scheme is eating up your poem. Remember that the right words come before the ones that rhyme. You chose decent words that rhymed rather than the ones that could paint a picture of the story.

In your next poem, remember to not let the rhyme scheme eat you up Other than that, I liked the idea.

Also, try to show rather than tell. Paint a picture

-Shina