-Inconcessus- Eighteen

9 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1075
Reviews 842
Wow, I'm really shooting these out, aren't I? :P Well, the reason I'm posting this in so close unison because I really wanted to post this chapter. This is when things start to get messy... at least for me because this is the idea I wanted to introduce. This is when you find more about Isaac and I'm really nervous about this chapter... I hope it all makes sense and flows well. Please, be as harsh as humanely possible lol :wink:

Happy Reading!

_________________________

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

I was deep within the maze-like forest before I realized how far I had gone. I was running faster than what was safe to use, my mind in turmoil. What did Elena and Ben’s relationship mean? What did he have to decide? And what did Jasmine’s visit denote for the coven? There were too many questions and not nearly enough options, let alone answers.
It was scary to think that Carmen might be right about the Exiles—that they might truly be gathering numbers and reeking havoc under out very noses. Weren’t the Ancients, like Jasmine, supposed to be preventing these things from happening? It wasn’t Carmen or Philip’s place to worry. We were a simple, lowly coven. We weren’t high enough on the ladder to take place in such serious matters.
Sophia…
I froze to a standstill, my body turning to stone. The forest was quiet—eerily quiet. The wind was even still, like everything was washed away. I pricked my ears, listening with all my might for the location of the intruder.
That’s when I smelled it—that sickly sweet aroma that drove my vampire senses up the wall. It made me cringe, my nails growing to a dangerous length. I felt my muscles tense, my fangs growing in response to the outside threat.
I had to control myself; I had to face this danger with a clear head. It was probably just another strange animal I had never seen before. No worries, right?
Wrong.
Another smell mingled then and it was pure human. Not good, I thought, the smell raising my senses in a different light. I hadn’t fed in a while and the scent was maddening. I needed to get out of here.
“Sophia? Not lost in the woods again, are you?” The boy materialized out of the skeletal trees, both scents now extremely strong, as if both coming from the figure in front of me. No, that couldn’t be right… why would this boy set off both my primitive and feeding senses? What’s so special about him? I remembered back to out last meeting in the tiny shop in town and I had felt odd then as well. But not nearly as strongly as I did at the moment. Maybe the mysterious creature had been around at both times. Maybe it was all due to coincidence.
And maybe I was just going a tad crazy.
All I knew was that this human needed to stop popping up in unexpected places. He needed to stop coming around—for good.
“Isaac,” I murmured, still keeping my eyes peeled for the creature while trying not to bare my fangs to the human.
He frowned. “Again with the lack of enthusiasm. I’m starting to get the feeling that you don’t like me very much.”
I rolled my eyes in spite of my frazzled senses. “What gave me away?” I drawled, my ears pricked for anything that would give away the creature’s whereabouts.
He laughed as if it was too hard to not smile all of the time. “I don’t know, just the way you always seem to be on edge around me.”
He had noticed that? I stared, looking at him for the first time in a new light. This human wasn’t as stupid as I thought. Did he know that he smelt different from all the others? Did he know something that I didn’t? Was he just mocking me, somehow knowing what I was?
No, that’s crazy! Humans could sense us but had no idea why they were nervous. But this human didn’t seem nervous. He actually looked relaxed, one leg looped behind the other, shoulder bending into the nearest tree, arms crossed over his chest.
I swallowed hard. A gust of wind had just blown over the area, heightening the smell of him. That pure human scent engulfed my system while the sour one faded into the background. I should run. This was not, at all, the best time to be around a human when I needed to feed, especially with my primitive senses still on high.
“Listen, Isaac, this is a bad time for me. I have to go,” I said, my words tripping over each other in my haste to get them out. I was unconsciously backing away from him, my legs tense, ready to run at any moment that it became too unbearable.
He took a step toward me, arm raised. “Wait!” His voice was so commanding that I did stop. Before I could blink, he had closed the distance between us, now only a few feet away. The scent was trying, testing the very limits of my self-control. I could hear his blood, pumping beautifully through his veins, his heart beating with a rhythmic tone that made my mouth water.
What if I did take him right here, right now. I was hungry. I needed to hunt. Here was a perfect target. Out of sight of other human eyes, clearly wanting me to stay with him. It would be even easier to control his mind. Just one bash of an eyelash, one look, and he would be mine. It would be so easy…
“Sophia, listen to me, we don’t have much time.” The urgency in his voice cut off that train of thought and I looked him straight in the eye. His voice was altered—deeper and imposing. “You have to listen to me. I heard that someone came to visit your house last night. Who?”
I blinked rapidly, as if dazed. How did he know about Jasmine? My eyes narrowed, suspicion wiping away all other thoughts. “How do you know—“
“There’s no time for that!” he nearly shouted, his jaw clenched. For an instant, he didn’t look like the innocent, pestering human but like a stronger, scarier being, his body shifting so fast that I was only able to catch that slight change over him. “I just need to know who it was,” he finished in a calmer tone.
I shook my head. “No, you don’t. It’s none of your business, hum—“ I nearly let the word slip out, but I bit my tongue before that happened.
He sighed, running a hand through his hair in an exasperated way, as if I was being slow. “Just tell me. Please.” His voice was near a plea now.
“No,” I said more forcefully. “You tell me why this is so important to you?”
“I can’t tell you right now, but I will. But first you have to—“
Just then, another voice rang clearly through the forest. “Isaac! Isaac, where’d you head off too?” It was a female’s voice, thick with laughter as another voice joined hers. I heard them running towards us and my eyes grew wide with panic. More humans meant more blood.
Run! a voice inside my head shouted. I nearly obeyed when Isaac’s hand shot out, gripping my wrist. Shots of warmth tingled up my arm, making me gasp in surprise, jerking me to a halt. His skin was silky to the touch, like velvet cloth. I paused to admire it, my thumb drifting across his knuckles.
“Sophia, I need to know.” His eyes implored me to tell him, wrenching me back to reality. But I shook him off and without thinking, bared my fangs with a ferocious snarl that sent him whirling backward.
And then I was running as fast as my vampire senses could carry me all the way back to the cottage. All I could do was concentrate on reaching the safety of the grounds. When the cottage came into sight, I used the last of my energy to slide with a soft halt into the pillars supporting the porch. Breathing heavily, my body weakened from the lack of blood and frazzled senses, I took a moment to center myself. Slowly, my breathing leveled and two things became apparent to me at the same time.
One, Isaac knew what I was. I didn’t know how and I didn’t know why but just the way he talked to me, the way he knew about Jasmine, there was no doubt in my mind that he knew that there was a coven of vampires living in his town.
And two, I knew deep down that he was the dangerous creature my senses were screaming at me to stay away from. What other explanation could there be for his sudden interest in my coven? In me? Was he in alliance with the Exiles? Has he been waiting for the perfect moment to strike?
Get yourself together, Sophia! I shook my head, my thoughts running away with me. I had to think clearly. I didn’t know for sure Isaac was bad or even what he was?
This thought scared me more than all the rest. I tried to search through my mind for anything that would give away what he might be. That’s when the dream suddenly came to me and I remembered the glossy feathers, velvety skin, that grotesque beak…
I felt the breath leave my lungs as I put it all together—his strange skin was the only indicator of his true identity but there was no other option. Isaac had to be it.
He was a Soren.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 174
Well Ash, I'm so pumped to read this!! I'm so excited about the revelation of Isaac... *eek* ... :D

ashleylee wrote:CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

I was deep within the maze-like forest before I realized how far I had gone. I was running faster than what was safe to use [gthis doesn't make sense - try rephrasing], my mind in turmoil. What did Elena and Ben’s relationship mean? What did he have to decide? And what did Jasmine’s visit denote for the coven? There were too many questions and not nearly enough options, let alone answers.
It was scary to think that Carmen might be right about the Exiles—that they might truly be gathering numbers and reeking havoc under our very noses. Weren’t the Ancients, like Jasmine, supposed to be preventing these things from happening? It wasn’t Carmen's or Philip’s place to worry. We were a simple, lowly coven. We weren’t high enough on the ladder to take place in such serious matters.
Sophia…
I froze to a standstill, my body turning to stone. The forest was quiet—eerily quiet. The wind was even still, like everything was washed away. I pricked my ears, listening with all my might for the location of the intruder. [Add in more about the actual 'Sophia' she heard - describe?]
That’s when I smelled it—that sickly sweet aroma that drove my vampire senses up the wall. It made me cringe, my nails growing to a dangerous length. I felt my muscles tense, my fangs growing in response to the outside threat.
I had to control myself; I had to face this danger [maybe add in what exactly it is she thinks she's facing?]with a clear head. It was probably just another strange animal I had never seen before. No worries, right?
Wrong.
Another smell mingled then and it was pure human. Not good, I thought, the smell raising my senses in a different light. I hadn’t fed in a while and the scent was maddening. I needed to get out of here. [What about the sickly sweet aroma, surely that's still around? Wouldn't that confuse her slightly... Be careful you don't rush through too many details, you still have ample time to get us to the conclusion :wink: ]
“Sophia? Not lost in the woods again, are you?” The boy materialized out of the skeletal trees, both of the scents were now extremely strong, as if both coming from the figure in front of me. No, that couldn’t be right… why would this boy set off both my primitive and feeding senses? What’s so special about him? [Lol, forget my earlier comment :wink: ] I remembered back to out last meeting in the tiny shop in town and I had felt odd [that doesn't quite fit in. I know what you're trying to say, it just doesn't sound right, maybe try and rephrase?] then as well. But not nearly as strongly as I did at that moment. Maybe the mysterious creature had been around at both times. Maybe it was all due to coincidence.
And maybe I was just going a tad crazy.
All I knew was that this human needed to stop popping up in unexpected places. He needed to stop coming around—for good.
“Isaac,” I murmured, still keeping my eyes peeled for the creature [how does she know that this sickly-sweet aroma is that of a creature? You never seemed to have defined that thought going through her mind so it just sounds like a random thought - do you get what I'm saying? Please say if you don't (: ]while trying not to bare my fangs to the human.
He frowned. “Again with the lack of enthusiasm. I’m starting to get the feeling that you don’t like me very much.”
I rolled my eyes in spite of my frazzled senses. “What gave me away?” I drawled, my ears pricked for anything that would give away the creature’s whereabouts.
He laughed as if it was too hard to not smile all of the time. “I don’t know, just the way you always seem to be on edge around me.”
He had noticed that? I stared, looking at him for the first time in a new light. This human wasn’t as stupid as I thought. Did he know that he smelt different from all the others? Did he know something that I didn’t? Was he just mocking me, somehow knowing what I was?
No, that’s crazy! Humans could sense us but had no idea why they were nervous. But this human didn’t seem nervous. He actually looked relaxed, one leg looped behind the other, shoulder bending into the nearest tree, arms crossed over his chest. [What's he wearing, facial expression...?]
I swallowed hard. A gust of wind had just blown over the area, heightening the smell of him. That pure human scent engulfed my system while the sour [I thought it was sweet?] one faded into the background. I should run. This was not, at all, the best time to be around a human when I needed to feed, especially with my primitive senses still on high.
“Listen, Isaac, this is a bad time for me. I have to go,” I said, my words tripping over each other in my haste to get them out. I was unconsciously backing away from him, my legs tense, ready to run at any moment that it became too unbearable.
He took a step toward me, arm raised. “Wait!” His voice was so commanding that I did stop. Before I could blink, he had closed the distance between us, now only a few feet away. The scent was [s]trying,[/s] testing the very limits of my self-control. I could hear his blood,[delete comma] pumping beautifully through his veins, his heart beating with a rhythmic tone that made my mouth water.
What if I did take him right here, right now.[replace with question mark] I was hungry. I needed to hunt. Here was a perfect target. Out of sight of other human eyes, clearly wanting me to stay with him. It would be even easier to control his mind. Just one bash of an eyelash, one look, and he would be mine. It would be so easy…
“Sophia, listen to me, we don’t have much time.” The urgency in his voice cut off that train of thought and I looked him straight in the eye. His voice [s]was[/s] had altered—it was deeper and imposing. “You have to listen to me. I heard that someone came to visit your house last night. Who?”
I blinked rapidly, as if dazed. How did he know about Jasmine? My eyes narrowed, suspicion wiping away all other thoughts. “How do you know—“
“There’s no time for that!” he nearly shouted, his jaw clenched. For an instant, he didn’t look like the innocent, pestering human but like a stronger, scarier being, his body shifting so fast that I was only able to catch that slight change over him. “I just need to know who it was,” he finished in a calmer tone.
I shook my head. “No, you don’t. It’s none of your business, hum—“ I nearly let the word slip out, but I bit my tongue before that happened.
He sighed, running a hand through his hair in an exasperated way, as if I was being slow. “Just tell me. Please.” His voice was nearer a plea now.
“No,” I said more forcefully. “You tell me why this is so important to you?[No need for question mark]”.


I have to stop here, it's my dinner, but I'll be back for the second half - you have me hooked :wink: :D.
--Lucyy xx
"Don't think, or judge. Just Listen."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2242
Reviews 695
Eeeek! Ash, this is like the cherry on top of a very good sundae. I've been having a good day so far and to come home to another chapter of Inconcessus, makes me smile!

I'll try to be harsh even though I probably won't have to be.
It was scary to think that Carmen might be right about the Exiles—that they might truly be gathering numbers and reeking havoc under out very noses.


should be: our noses. I think you can nix 'very'

I remembered back to out last meeting in the tiny shop in town and I had felt odd then as well.


it should 'our'
But not nearly as strongly as I did at the moment.


I think you can get rid of this sentence.

The scent was trying, testing the very limits of my self-control. I could hear his blood, pumping beautifully through his veins, his heart beating with a rhythmic tone that made my mouth water.


I like this.

He was a Soren.


Gah! Cliffhanger!

Ashley, you've did it again. This was a really good chapter the only thing I'd suggest is to hint at Isaac's anxiousness to tell Sophia something because at first he's smiling and joking with her and then he gets all serious. Work in some transitions and fix those few nitpicks I pointed out and you'll be set.

Keep writing,

~Angel

P.S. gold star, I really really liked this chapter!
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 174
Okay then! here's the second part of my review:


ashleylee wrote: “I can’t tell you right now, but I will. But first you have to—“
Just then, another voice rang clearly through the forest. “Isaac! Isaac, where’d you head off to[s]o[/s]?” It was a female’s voice, thick with laughter as another voice joined hers. I heard them running towards us and my eyes grew wide with panic. More humans meant more blood.
Run! a voice inside my head shouted. I nearly obeyed when Isaac’s hand shot out, gripping my wrist. Shots of warmth tingled up my arm, making me gasp in surprise, jerking me to a halt. His skin was silky to the touch, like velvet cloth. I paused to admire it, my thumb drifting across his knuckles.
“Sophia, I need to know.” His eyes implored me to tell him, wrenching me back to reality. But I shook him off and without thinking, bared my fangs with a ferocious snarl that sent him whirling backward.[What was it that triggered that reaction in her – try and make it a little clearer (: ]
And then I was running as fast as my vampire senses [I think ‘senses’ is the wrong word to use, as senses refer to your smell, sight, etc. Try ‘abilities’ (or something like that) instead?] could carry me all the way back to the cottage. All I could do was concentrate on reaching the safety of the grounds [what ‘grounds’ are you referring to – the cottage grounds? Try and make it a little clearer]. When the cottage came into sight, I used the last of my energy to slide with a soft halt into the pillars supporting the porch. Breathing heavily, my body weakened from the lack of blood and frazzled senses, I took a moment to center myself. Slowly, my breathing levelled and two things became apparent to me at the same time.
One, Isaac knew what I was. I didn’t know how and I didn’t know why but just the way he talked to me, the way he knew about Jasmine, there was no doubt in my mind that he knew that there was a coven of vampires living in his town. [Why/how does he know – I don’t quite understand how your MC came to this conclusion just because he was asking if Jasmine was staying at her house...maybe have the thought run through her head for her to think it stupid, but I don’t think that she would come up with that conclusion so readily, based on the reasons you’ve given – it just doesn’t match up]
And two, I knew deep down that he was the dangerous creature my senses were screaming at me to stay away from. What other explanation could there be for his sudden interest in my coven? In me? Was he in alliance with the Exiles? Has he been waiting for the perfect moment to strike?[Maybe refer to the sweet smell? The strange feel of his skin...?]
Get yourself together, Sophia! I shook my head, [full stop] My thoughts were running away with me. I had to think clearly. I didn’t know for sure that Isaac was bad. I didn’t [s]or[/s] even know what he was[s]?[/s][No need for question mark here]
This thought scared me more than all the rest. I tried to search through my mind for anything that would give away what he might be. That’s when the dream suddenly came to me and I remembered the glossy feathers, velvety skin, that grotesque beak…
I felt the breath leave my lungs as I put it all together—his strange skin was the only indicator of his true identity but there was no other option. Isaac had to be it.[I think if you put here that your MC knows that Isaac knows that she is a vampire, it will fit better...What do you think?]
He was a Soren [full stop – and what is that? Ooh, I can’t wait to find out!! (: ]


Overall
The only real problem I found from this was the way in which your MC jumped to the conclusion that Isaac knew she was a vampire, without backing the conclusion with completely believable reasons. I think if you put in that Isaac must know she's a vampire when she fits in all the pieces about Isaac being a Soren (by the way, what is that? Or will you reveal it in the next chapter...?) it will fit in better. Otherwise this was a great chapter!! I also agree with Angel that you should hint towards Isaac's anxiousness. Otherwise this was another great job, Ash and I can't wait to read more!!

I hope this helped you out and, as always, if you have any questions or anything PM me!! =D
Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx
"Don't think, or judge. Just Listen."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1520
Reviews 45
[spoiler]
Red = My corrections or suggestions.
Bold = My comments.
Underline = What I’ll be commenting on.
[s]Red Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
= I started new paragraph.

I was deep within the maze-like forest before I realized how far I had gone. I was running faster than what was safe to use, my mind in turmoil. What did Elena and Ben’s relationship mean? What did he have to decide? And what did Jasmine’s visit denote for the coven? There were too many questions, and not nearly enough options, let alone answers.
It was scary to think that Carmen might be right about the Exiles—that they might truly be gathering numbers and wrecking havoc under our very noses. Weren’t the Ancients, like Jasmine, supposed to be preventing these things from happening? It wasn’t Carmen or Philip’s place to worry. We were a simple, lowly coven. We weren’t high enough on the ladder to take place in such serious matters.
Sophia…
I froze to a standstill, my body turning to stone. The forest was quiet—eerily quiet. The wind was even still, like everything was washed away. I pricked my ears, listening with all my might for the location of the intruder.
That’s when I smelled it—that sickly sweet aroma that drove my vampire senses up the wall. It made me cringe, my nails growing to a dangerous length. I felt my muscles tense, my fangs growing in response to the outside threat.
I had to control myself; I had to face this danger with a clear head. It was probably just another strange animal I had never seen before. No worries, right?
Wrong.
Another smell mingled then and it was pure human. Not good, I thought, the smell raising my senses in a different light. I hadn’t fed in a while and the scent was maddening. I needed to get out of here.
“Sophia? Not lost in the woods again, are you?” The boy materialized out of the skeletal trees, both scents now extremely strong, as if both coming from the figure in front of me. No, that couldn’t be right… why would this boy set off both my primitive and feeding senses? What was so special about him? I remembered back to our last meeting in the tiny shop in town, and I had felt odd then as well. But not nearly as strongly as I did at the moment. Maybe the mysterious creature had been around at both times. Maybe it was all due to coincidence.
And maybe I was just going a tad crazy.
All I knew was that this human needed to stop popping up in unexpected places. He needed to stop coming around—for good.
“Isaac,” I murmured, still keeping my eyes peeled for the creature while trying not to bare my fangs to the human.
He frowned. “Again with the lack of enthusiasm. I’m starting to get the feeling that you don’t like me very much.”
I rolled my eyes in spite of my frazzled senses. “What gave me away?” I drawled, my ears pricked for anything that would give away the creature’s whereabouts.
He laughed as if it was too hard to not smile all of the time. “I don’t know, just the way you always seem to be on edge around me.”
He had noticed that? I stared, looking at him for the first time in a new light. This human wasn’t as stupid as I thought. Did he know that he smelt different from all the others? Did he know something that I didn’t? Was he just mocking me, somehow knowing what I was?
No, that’s crazy! Humans could sense us, but had no idea why they were nervous. But this human didn’t seem nervous. He actually looked relaxed, one leg looped behind the other, shoulder bending into the nearest tree, arms crossed over his chest.
I swallowed hard. A gust of wind had just blown over the area, heightening the smell of him. That pure human scent engulfed my system while the sour one faded into the background. I should run. This was not, at all, the best time to be around a human when I needed to feed, especially with my primitive senses still on high.
“Listen, Isaac, this is a bad time for me. I have to go,” I said, my words tripping over each other in my haste to get them out. I was unconsciously backing away from him, my legs tense, ready to run at any moment that it became too unbearable.
He took a step toward me, arm raised. “Wait!” His voice was so commanding that I did stop. Before I could blink, he had closed the distance between us, now only a few feet away. The scent was trying, testing the very limits of my self-control. I could hear his blood, pumping beautifully through his veins, his heart beating with a rhythmic tone that made my mouth water.
What if I did take him right here, right now? I was hungry. I needed to hunt. Here was a perfect target. Out of sight of other human eyes, clearly wanting me to stay with him. It would be even easier to control his mind. Just one bash of an eyelash, one look, and he would be mine. It would be so easy…
“Sophia, listen to me, we don’t have much time.” The urgency in his voice cut off that train of thought and I looked him straight in the eye. His voice was altered—deeper and imposing. “You have to listen to me. I heard that someone came to visit your house last night. Who?”
I blinked rapidly, as if dazed. How did he know about Jasmine? My eyes narrowed, suspicion wiping away all other thoughts. “How do you know—“
“There’s no time for that!” he nearly shouted, his jaw clenched. For an instant, he didn’t look like the innocent, pestering human, but like a stronger, scarier being, his body shifting so fast that I was only able to catch that slight change over him. “I just need to know who it was,” he finished in a calmer tone.
I shook my head. “No, you don’t. It’s none of your business, hum—“ I nearly let the word slip out, but I bit my tongue before that happened.
He sighed, running a hand through his hair in an exasperated way, as if I was being slow. “Just tell me. Please.” His voice was near a plea now.
“No,” I said more forcefully. “You tell me why this is so important to you?”
“I can’t tell you right now, but I will. But first you have to—“
Just then, another voice rang clearly through the forest. “Isaac! Isaac, where’d you head off too?” It was a female’s voice, thick with laughter as another voice joined hers. I heard them running towards us and my eyes grew wide with panic. More humans meant more blood.
Run! a voice inside my head shouted. I nearly obeyed when Isaac’s hand shot out, gripping my wrist. Shots of warmth tingled up my arm, making me gasp in surprise, jerking me to a halt. His skin was silky to the touch, like velvet cloth. I paused to admire it, my thumb drifting across his knuckles.
“Sophia, I need to know.” His eyes implored me to tell him, wrenching me back to reality. But I shook him off and, without thinking, bared my fangs with a ferocious snarl that sent him whirling backward.
And then I was running as fast as my vampire senses could carry me all the way back to the cottage. All I could do was concentrate on reaching the safety of the grounds. When the cottage came into sight, I used the last of my energy to slide with a soft halt into the pillars supporting the porch. Breathing heavily, my body weakened from the lack of blood and frazzled senses, I took a moment to center myself. Slowly, my breathing leveled and two things became apparent to me at the same time.
One, Isaac knew what I was. I didn’t know how and I didn’t know why; but just the way he talked to me, the way he knew about Jasmine, there was no doubt in my mind that he knew that there was a coven of vampires living in his town.
And two, I knew deep down that he was the dangerous creature my senses were screaming at me to stay away from. What other explanation could there be for his sudden interest in my coven? In me? Was he in alliance with the Exiles? Has he been waiting for the perfect moment to strike?
Get yourself together, Sophia! I shook my head, my thoughts running away with me. I had to think clearly. I didn’t know for sure if Isaac was bad, or even what he was.
This thought scared me more than all the rest. I tried to search through my mind for anything that would give away what he might be. That’s when the dream suddenly came to me and I remembered the glossy feathers, velvety skin, that grotesque beak…
I felt the breath leave my lungs as I put it all together—his strange skin was the only indicator of his true identity, but there was no other option. Isaac had to be it.
He was a Soren.
[/spoiler]


Yayy, you have no idea how phsyched I was when I got the email about a new PM... I was like 'New chapterr?? Nah, it can't be, it's too soon...'
But it was, and that was awesomee...

I love how reading your work is just effortless. I never have to force myself to keep reading since everything just flows and forces you to keep reading.
This chapter was no different... only complaint perhaps of its shortness... but yay, Isaac.

Few things, though...
I think the change from him being all playful to demanding and stuff was just too abrupt, and consequently rather unrealistic. Also, what's a Soren? I mean, I'm guessing it's the weird bird creature, but like, specifically?
And haha, if a Soren gets turned into a vampire, do they lose the Soren-ness or because a Soren-Vampire? Just thinking into the future when she nearly turned him... hah.

Otherwise, great chapter, and I deeefff look forward to more. ^_^

»Sam.
"The power of accurate obeservation is often called cynicism by those who haven't got it." - Oscar Wilde.

If I could only see right to the end, I'd know just where to begin, and I could put together all the little pieces.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 61
Oh my dearly goodness! :oops:

Okay, first lest my tell you how hugely sorry I am, I know I have been absent far to long from posting...

Now! To the reason we are all here, your amazing story. I must say that I am simply shocked. The last time I new we were all waiting on tender hooks for poisoned roses and now here we are with this completely different yet the same story before us.

As I have just finished all your 18 chapters I cannot give you many nit picks but I know others have long beat me to such a review, so let us focus on what i can say, which isn't much as I am horribly out of practice!

Chapter 7 is my favorite so far. Everything in it was perfect, I loved the balance of it all and of course it helped that it was such an exciting chapter *sigh*

As always I want Sophia to me with a vampire but this new plot twist you have going on with Isaac is bringing my curiosity to the absolute extreme! GREAT JOB! I love it!

I am very fond of your new version and leaves me with the question: Can this girl write anything bad?
I honestly think the answer is a big fat NO.

Anyway, on to what I'd adored so much.
You give more background, you create the story instead of leaping directly in and leaving us to try and catch up.
The Relationships are on a completely different level, your characters are more relatable then ever and thanks to that we fall in love with your story all the more.
You hint at things. Instead of releasing information in a huge burst it is mentioned but then you leave wondering what the heck it can mean for 2 chapter when you explain, and even then not fully. Its fantastic.

I want to continue(truly, you make it way to easy to compliment you) but I have other matters that need my attention *another sigh* :roll:

You are a superb writer. Your imagery and just the way you write make me feel like you are Shakespeare himself while I am a lowly second grader. I know, weird metaphor. Moving on...

You rock as I have already said and I am on the edge of seat waiting to find out Soren could possibly and how it will effect this spectacular story you are weaving! You are rather good at cliff hangers too(this is something you must abandon if you value your readers ability to sleep at night) NO! Don't really stop them, they are delightful I just hate not being in the know. Then again, it does leave me coming back for more.

I WILL check in again soon so as not to fall woefully behind yet again!

Fantastic writing yet again. I hope to be reading another chapter soon! :D
It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in the body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful.-------Ian O'Shea




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 250
Hey Ash.

Sorry again it has taken me so long to read your story.

That last line has me on the edge of my seat! What's a soren? Are they like a vampire or something? you have to explain that in the next chapter.

I am glad Issac came back into the story and I hope he stays there too, because he is one of the main characters, is he not? So we should see a lot more of him.

well, pm me when you have the next chapter up.

see ya around,

NM
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1122
Reviews 150
Hi, Ash. :D It's been a while, but I'm so glad you're shooting these chapters out so fast. Keep it up! :wink:

ashleylee wrote:
I was deep within the maze-like forest before I realized how far I had gone. I was running faster than what was safe [s]to use[/s], my mind in turmoil. What did Elena and Ben’s relationship mean? What did he have to decide? And what did Jasmine’s visit denote for the coven? There were too many questions and not nearly enough options, let alone answers.
It was [s]scary[/s] frightening to think that Carmen might be right about the Exiles—that they might truly be gathering numbers and reeking havoc under [s]out[/s] our very noses. Weren’t the Ancients, like Jasmine, supposed to [s]be preventing[/s] prevent these things from happening? It wasn’t Carmen's or Philip’s place to worry. We were a simple, lowly coven. We weren’t high enough on the (right here I'd put something like 'social' or change 'ladder' to 'hierarchy' or something. 'Ladder' by itself looks strange.) ladder to take place in such serious matters.
Sophia…
I froze to a standstill, my body turning to stone. The forest was quiet—eerily [s]quiet[/s] silent. The wind was even still, like everything was washed away. I pricked my ears, listening with all my might for the location of the intruder.
That’s when I smelled it—that sickly sweet aroma that drove my vampire senses up the wall. It made me cringe, my nails growing to a dangerous length. I felt my muscles tense, my fangs growing in response to the outside threat.
I had to control myself; I had to face this danger with a clear head. It was probably just another strange animal I had never seen before. No worries, right?
Wrong.
Then I caught another smell mingling with the first, and I tensed - if that was possible - even more. it was pure human.[s]Another smell mingled then and it was pure human. [/s]Not good, I thought, the smell raising my senses in a different light. I hadn’t fed in a while and the scent was maddening. I needed to get out of here.


Gotta go. Remind me to finish this.

~Sunny




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1078
Reviews 55
Sorry it took me so long to review this for you. I really apologize. I've been working a lot.

Anyway, I enjoyed reading this. Honestly, I'm still as hooked now as I was during the other chapters; if not more.

I just have one question - it's even in my review that's in the attachment below. What's a Soren? Okay, so maybe more than one question. Are you going to go into detail on what a Soren is?
Attachments
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN.doc
(12.99 KiB) Downloaded 24 times
Ever since you went away, my heart has never beat the same and all that I can do is just laugh.



'This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer. 'I never could get the hang of Thursdays.'
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy