He's Mine

Ok, so I've been going through a dry spell, and this is the some of the first stuff I've written in a while.
I understand that it probably sucks.
(It's not about Twilight, as my friend just said it might sound that way.)
Please review.


Your eyes locked in mine
With the fierceness of a
Lion on unsuspecting prey.

I unwittingly reeled for a few
Moments; I was completely
Enraptured by your smile.

It all played out in my head
Like a movie only for two,
With me content in your arms.

You turned away from me,
But I only moved closer, and
You leaned down to my lips.

I thought you would kiss me,
But the only thing you said was,
“Darling, I’ll be back for you.”

Yea I could definitely see how your friend thought this would about Twilight, but I don't think it's all that bad. Anyway I'll just say that you shouldn't start every line with a capital letter, just the beginnings of new sentences. I understand the narrator feelings but what is the subject feeling. Does he dislike her or not?

Your eyes locked in mine
With the fierceness of a
Lion on unsuspecting prey.

This makes me think dislike

I was completely
Enraptured by your smile.

But if he dislikes her why is he smiling.

Anyway I think was an okay poem, I'm sure we all know what's it's like trying to come back from writer's block.

Yeah this has a Twilight feel to it haha. I do like it though, it is very good.

It's obvious why your friend thought this poem was related to Twilight. All in all though, it was a decent piece of literature. There were some parts where the the lines are almost forced to end prematurely, such as:

I unwittingly reeled for a few

Moments; I was completely

Enraptured by your smile.

It might just be me, but i prefer smooth endings to all lines. I would understand if you wanted to stick to rhythm, though.

Thanks for the reviews, you guys!
GreatEscape, he does like her, to clear that up, but I'm not sure how to fix it up to make it convey the message I want it to.
Any suggestions?
Same thing to Marcideous; I don't really know how to make it smooth, so I'll need some help with that.
Again, thanks!

quietloud798 wrote:Your eyes locked in mine
With the fierceness of a
Lion on unsuspecting prey.

I unwittingly reeled for a few
Moments; I was completely
Enraptured by your smile.

Okay, at first your use of awkward enjambment is cute but it gets boring and downright tedious after the first stanza. Splitting lines like this only works if there is a meaning and not a shallow attempt to construct stanzas the way you see fit. Unfortunately, whatever your intentions, the latter is what comes out, and to rectify this mistake, you need to stop lines naturally and not unnaturally. Re-do them at once.

It all played out in my head
Like a movie only for two,
With me content in your arms.

This does sound like a movie - a B movie worth not a penny. Content in his arms? Do you want to lure the reader in or scare him off with useless and tired cliches?

You turned away from me,
But I only moved closer, and
You leaned down to my lips.

I thought you would kiss me,
But the only thing you said was,
“Darling, I’ll be back for you.”

And at the end we have a poor hurrying to create some kind of "plot". Where does he go? Does it matter? If not (and it doesn't seem like it does, for you barely describe it or give it any emotion), then why is it in your poetry?

Overall, this is a sinking ship that's going nowhere. Throw it away and start writing another poem.

Hope that helped.