A Simple Mistake: Chapter Four

There was a spot of something funny on the table cloth at the coffee place; just a tiny little brown splotch off to the left. My eyes bore into it as I tried desperately to get my hands to stop shaking. The ride over had been pleasant, quiet but not uncomfortably so. He had opened my car door for me, which was slightly unexpected but I appreciated the chivalry. I brought my coffee cup to my lips and sipped quietly, looking all about the room except for the person sitting across from me.

He was the first to break the silence. “Thank you for coming with me, Nessa, it means a lot.” He folded his napkin in his hands, first into a square, then into a triangle, then back into a square. It was charming. I found myself studying his hands as he continued to fold the paper into different shapes.

I sipped the sweet liquid, attempting to keep the nerves from appearing in my voice. “Thanks for asking me, I can’t remember the last time I spent time with someone like this.”

“I am certain you get asked all the time.” Benjamin said, his fingers working the napkin more furiously.

I couldn’t stop the smile that formed on my lips, nor the slight blush that light up my cheeks. “No, I’m not asked out often, and when I am it’s generally by someone I am not interested in.” I took a breath and brought my eyes to his face.

“So, you’re saying that you’re slightly interested in me?” His cheeks flushed red and his eyes sought something to focus on. I could feel how anxious he was for my answer, his boyish nerves coming off more charming than anything.

I stretched my arm across the table, gripping his fingers in my own. “I’ve very interested.” He stopped his frantic searching and his eyes met my own, a warm smile spreading across his lips.

The rest of the evening went far more easily, as both of us had moved past our initial nerves and started to remember that we were comfortable around each other. By the end of the night we were back to our playful teasing, and I seemed to have a permanent grin attached to my face. So much so that my cheeks ached from smiling too much and my stomach throbbed from laughing too much, the evening had been lovely.

He drove up outside my apartment in his beat up Honda, “do you need me to walk you up? It’s pretty late out.” He shifted in his seat, clearly not sure what to do next.

I leaned across the seat and pressed a small kiss on his cheek. “I think I will be okay, thanks. Will I see you tomorrow?” My voice trembled slightly, and I knew I sounded hopeful.

He smiled his brilliant smile, his blue eyes lighting up with delight. “I would love that.”

I grinned the entire way to my door, skipping a few times as I made my way down the hall. I frowned slightly when I saw something taped to the chipping white wood of apartment number 204, my apartment. My mail went to my PO box…

I plucked the envelope off the door, turning it over in my hands. A slight gasp formed in my throat when I noticed familiar cursive hand writing. “Vanessa, please read” was all that it said. I stormed down the few feet to Briant’s door, slamming my fist into the wood several times.

“Briant!” I hollered, my foot thrusting forward to kick at the door.

I heard a scuffle from inside, and I pounded harder. “Briant! Get your ass out here right now!”

The door swung open and Briant stood before me. “What was she doing here?”

Briant stared at me, I could see the sadness in his eyes, but it didn’t stop my frustration from taking over. “Answer me!”

“She has been looking for you, Nessa.” He bowed his head, opening the door wider to allow me inside, so we didn’t wake the neighbors. Well, not anymore then we already had. I followed him through the door and paced anxiously in the living room, picking up a throw pillow and throwing it across the apartment as hard as I could.

“How did she find me?” I slammed my fist down on the table, frustration turning into all out anger. “Answer me god damn it!” I spit, I could feel myself shaking with my anger, my fingers visibly trembled as the rage pumped itself through me.

Briant stayed quiet, only tossing lighter fluid onto my fury. “Did you find her, Briant? Did you tell her where I have been?”

“Yes, I told her, Nessa. She’s been driving herself mad trying to find you…”

I wanted to slap him; I could feel it in my fingertips. I stormed away, slamming his door behind me and letting myself into my own apartment. I slid the dead bolt into place stormed into my room, hurling myself onto my bed.

How could he do this to me…

I felt sobs wrack my body, my breathing coming out in gasps as my entire self shook.

Can’t face her… won’t face her… not after…

Jelly nudged at my face with her cold wet nose, and I wrapped my arms around her tiny doggy body.

He had no right

I crumpled the envelope in my hand, wanting to shred it but not being able to bring myself to do so. I wouldn’t read it, but some part of me couldn’t throw it away either.

I wanted to smile again. I wanted to forget.

And I most certainly did not want to talk to my mother again.



(Authors Note: if you're confused right now, I'm doing my job. It'll all fall together, I promise)

Hey, OverEasy! I saw this on the main page and read through all of the chapters, figuring that I might as well, and I was glad that I did. I really like 'A Simple Mistake' so far. I'm just going to do a quick critique here- and mind you, I really had to resort to some perfectionist issues, because your writing rocks.

There was a spot of something funny on the table cloth at the coffee place; just a tiny little brown splotch off to the left.

There is nothing especially wrong with this sentence, but the semicolon seems to halt everything up a bit. You might want to consider putting a comma there, instead.

He had opened my car door for me, which was slightly unexpected but I appreciated the chivalry.

You should add a comma after the word 'unexpected.'

“Thank you for coming with me, Nessa, it means a lot.”

You see the comma that I underlined there? You might want to consider taking that away and adding a semicolon or a period there, instead. It might help to kind of get across the 'it means a lot' part more. I would suggest using a period, because I think that it would look more professional than a semicolon (sorry, I'm a dork about being professional).

“I am certain you get asked all the time.” Benjamin said, his fingers working the napkin more furiously.

You need a comma there after he finished speaking, instead of a period.

So much so that my cheeks ached from smiling too much and my stomach throbbed from laughing too much, the evening had been lovely.

You need to have a semicolon there, instead of a comma, because although the words 'the evening had been lovely' relate to the part of the sentence before that, they are not in the same train of thought, so you can't just have a comma there. Does that make sense?...

He drove up outside my apartment in his beat up Honda, “do you need me to walk you up? It’s pretty late out.”

Okay. I underlined the comma and the 'd,' because the comma should have been a period and the 'd' has to be uppercase. The comma there would have been fine if you said something like, 'He drove up outside my apartment in his beat up Honda and said, "Do..." '

The door swung open and Briant stood before me. “What was she doing here?”

This part confused me for a few moments, because the last name that you said before you started the quotations was Briant's. You might want to add something to make it more obvious that Nessa is speaking, like, ' "What was she doing here?" I demanded.'

Briant stared at me, I could see the sadness in his eyes, but it didn’t stop my frustration from taking over.

You see the comma that I underlined? Once again, you might want to change that to a semicolon or a period. It kind of helps the flow of the story along more.

“Answer me god damn it!” I spit, I could feel myself shaking with my anger, my fingers visibly trembled as the rage pumped itself through me.

First off, you might want to add a comma after the 'answer me.' Second of all, you should really turn the comma that I underlined into a period, just to give a moment for breathing space. Also, just to keep with the tenses, you might want to change 'spit' to 'spat'... I think. Don't call me out on that one. Lastly, you should change the word 'trembled' to 'trembling,' since you said 'shaking,' with the 'i-n-g,' right before it. Either that, or you can add a semicolon there instead of a comma.It would look like, ' "Answer me, god damn it!" I spat. I could feel myself shaking with anger, my fingers visibly trembling as the rage pumped itself through me.' Or, ' "Answer me, god damn it!" I spat. I could feel myself shaking with anger; my fingers visibly trembled as the rage pumped itself through me.'

How could he do this to me…

You might want to add a question mark here, but you can do it at the end of the three periods, so you can still keep it kind of open-ended. It would be like, 'How could he do this to me...?'
Lastly...

He had no right

Just add a period at the end there.
Please don't feel insulted that I did so much critiquing; I can only bring myself to try and help with every single little detail on stories that I really like. I like the idea, so far, and the part about her mother just added a promise of more conflicts, which I always enjoy. Briant seems like a damn cool old man, just like my grandpa. I hope that you talk about him some more in upcoming chapters.
Also... I didn't feel like putting up a comment after Chapter One, but I liked the way that you described Benjamin... he sounds hot.
Shoot me a PM when you get the next chapter up. I would really like to keep reading this. Until then, adios, and keep writing!

Hey Tiff, June here!

So, as I told you the other day, I had a review for this done on my flash drive, but either my computer or flash drive is corrupted, and corrupts all of the files, making my norton refuse to let me open them. I don't know what that's about, so, this isn't quite the review I had done.

Nevertheless! Adriana has pointed out some valuable things-- I would pay attention to most of what she mentioned, point out a few things more and then breeze through an overall:

The ride over had been pleasant,[Remove comma; replace with semicolon] quiet[comma] but not uncomfortably so.

So much so[comma] that my cheeks ached from smiling too much and my stomach throbbed from laughing too much,[remove comma; replace with semicolon] the evening had been lovely.

“How did she find me?” I slammed my fist down on the table, frustration turning into all out anger. “Answer me god damn it!” I spit, I could feel myself shaking with my anger, my fingers visibly trembled as the rage pumped itself through me.

Here, it's pretty obvious that Vanessa is infuriated, so repeating anger here is kind of repetitive, dear. Instead, I feel that you can just have her begin to shake, and display another side effect of anger without stating that she's angry again, if that makes sense.

- - -

• I enjoyed the way you wrote the first part of this; the audience can feel the setting-- the extreme nervousness and tension; very nice job on that.

• I would recommend being easy on description. I do love that you don't have issues being descriptive, but I noticed that as you write, you describe very, very thoroughly. Instead of just saying that a character's fists were shaking from anger, you would tell us that the character's fists shook with anger. Then, she pounded them into the wall in anger, and angrily flung herself across the bed.

This is not a bad thing! I would say it's more on the good side than bad. But, my only reason for pointing this out is it can easily fall into the category of deadwood (words that do not contribute much more new information to a story) and you want to avoid that as much as possible.


-

I don't have much more comments on this, dear. I feel that it's a "connecting" chapter-- a chapter that's crucial to have for later events in the story. Very nice work here, dear. Keep it up!


Juniper