Vampire Super Models

After I got home I rode the elevator up to my room which was on the seventh floor and went inside. My fluffy charcoal cat I named Monstie greeted me at the door and immediately started yowling for food. I sighed, even though she was my soul cat I get the feeling she only likes me for my food at times.

I filled her dish with some cat nip and went to my bathroom. Every time I turn the lights on in my bathroom it hurts my eyes. I decorated it hot pink and lime green and since I am an aspiring model I have probably ten light bulbs around my mirror. I rubbed my eyes and turned to start the water in my bathtub. I was going to have a celebratory bubble bath tonight.

I turned back around to face my mirror and the many cabinets under it. I dug through my shower gel until I found the Japanese Cherry Blossom scent. It has been my favorite for years.

I was tense, but the best cure had always been a steamy bubble bath. I was in the tub for about an hour then got out and put my kashmir bathrobe on. I walked slowly down the hall to my bedroom. When I got there, I had to use all my strength to shove Monstie off of my book, which she was napping on. I was currently reading "A Catcher in the Rye." The book was very good and all, except books effect my emotions in a weird way. If the main character in my book feels depressed all the time, I feel depressed along with that person.

I got dressed in my vintage Spider-Man pajamas and hopped into bed. Monstie glared at me for a moment, but quickly lost interest and went back to sleep. I only got about one chapter read before I followed suit. I was exhausted from all that partying Vanessa and I did earlier because of Christopher.

Christopher... I was going to have to call him tomorrow. Well, probably not him, but I was going to have to make an appointment with one of his secretaries. Then have to see him in person again. This scared me to death, although at the same time excited me so much I could hardly control myself. I slept very well that night however, having visions of Christopher dancing through my head.


*********


I was holding his business card in one hand and my cell phone in the other and shaking like a nervous lap dog. I don't like having to call anyone that isn't Vanessa or my mom. I took a deep breath and started to dial.

A snooty sounding lady picked up the phone on the third ring. Well, at least it was what I was expecting.

"Christopher Armstrong's office. May I help you?"

My heart sped up. I'm really bad at this.

"I..Um..yes. I'm Roxy Moon. I met Mr. Armstrong yesterday and he told me to call here and make an appointment." I could actually hear the lady roll her eyes at me. She must think I'm just some silly fan girl wannabe.

"Okay Roxy Moon I am scheduling you in for three days from now at four thirty."

I cleared my throat nervously "Okay. Thank you" I said softly right before she hung up.

"Jeez, what a bitch," I thought as I closed my phone. I put it back on my coffee table then gently placed the business card on top of it. Just then Monstie jumped on my lap and started purring wildly.

"Oh man Monstie, I am actually going to get to see Christopher Armstrong again in three days!"

Yay I’m the first to review. I’m a faithful fan, I’ve decided. Anyhoo, usual rules:

After I got home I rode the elevator up to my room which was on the seventh floor and went inside. My fluffy charcoal gray cat I named Monstie greeted me happily at the door and immediately started yowling for food. I sighed, even though she was my soul cat I get the feeling she only likes me for my food at times. (ok, new paragraph here, but this is sweet. My crit here is that its almost information overload. The first sentence in particular is long. Just cut a few adjectives –I’d get rid of “gray (because charcoal implies grey already) “happily” and “immediately” for a start.)

I filled her dish with some cat nip and went to my bathroom. Every time I turn the lights on in my bathroom it hurts my eyes. I decorated it hot pink and lime green and since I am an aspiring model I have probably ten light bulbs around my mirror. I rubbed my eyes and turned to start the water in my bathtub. I was going to have a celebratory bubble bath tonight. (this is great)

I turned back around to face my mirror and the many cabinets under it (erm, is this a new sentence? Maybe you missed a full stop) I dug through my shower gel until I found the Japanese Cherry Blossom scent. It has been my favorite (favourite? Spelling mistake maybe?) for years. I put it in the hot water and after a few minutes got in. (unsure whether this sentence is really necessary.) (Now here, I would switch to a new paragraph and describe her tension in more detail, just to add some texture)

I was tense, but the best cure had always been a steamy bubble bath. I was in the tub for about an hour then got out and put my kashmir bathrobe on.(a thought – does the water go cold after an hour?) I walked slowly down the hall to my bedroom. When I got there, I had to use all my strength to shove Monstie off of my book, which she was napping on. I was currently reading "A Catcher in the Rye." The book was very good and all, except books effect my emotions in a weird way. If the main character in my book feels depressed all the time, I feel depressed along with that person. (hmm. When I read A Catcher, the dude just bugged me, but thats another story)

(And here, maybe, some more about what she’s thinking/what she was stressed about. Its been an interesting day, after all. My only issue just now is that its almost repetitive – a lot of your sentences are the same length and you’re largely describing physical actions rather than developing the character. That said, its nice to see her by herself.)

I got dressed in my vintage Spider-Man pajamas (hehe) and hopped into bed. Monstie glared at me for a moment, but quickly lost interest and went back to sleep. I only got about one chapter read before I followed suit. I was exhausted from all that partying Vanessa and I did earlier because of Christopher.

Christopher... I was going to have to call him tomorrow. Well, probably not him, but I was going to have to make an appointment with one of his secretaries. Then have to see him in person again. This scared me to death, although at the same time excited me so much I could hardly control myself. Somehow, I slept very well that night however, having visions of Christopher dancing through my head. (that sentence doesn’t quite make sense, and “somehow,” and “however,” is definitely scrambling the meaning. Try something more like “I slept very well that night, even with the visions of Christopher dancing through my head.”)

*********

I was holding his business card in one hand and my cell phone in the other. I was shaking like a loon. (First, I would use and to join these two sentences. Second, not sure about “shaking like a loon. Its not quite in keeping with the tone, maybe? That said, I am glad you didn’t say shaking like a leaf.) I get extremely nervous when I have to call somebody that isn't Vanessa or my mom. I took a deep breath and started dialing.

A snooty sounding lady picked up the phone on the third ring. Well, at least it was what I was expecting. (new line for the direct speech)

"Christopher Armstrong's office. May I help you?"

My heart sped up (full stop) I'm really bad at this. (new line. By the way, I totally relate to her at this point. Good work)

"I..Um..yes. I'm Roxy Moon. I met Mr. Armstrong yesterday and he told me to call here and make an appointment." I could actually hear the lady roll her eyes at me and automatically felt like an idiot. (Hearing her roll her eyes is enough. I don’t think you have to say that she feels like an idiot.) She must think I'm just some silly fan girl wannabe.

"Okay Roxy Moon I am scheduling you in for three days from now at four thirty."

I cleared my throat nervously "Okay. Thank you" I said softly right (cut right) before she hung up.
"Jeez, what a bitch" (grammar quibble: You need a comma before you close the inverted commas: “Jeez, what a bitch,” I thought...”)I thought as I closed my phone (just to make this flow better. I would end the sentence after phone. Then “I put it back on my coffee table...) and put it back on my coffee table then gently placed the business card on top of it. Just then Monstie jumped on my lap and started purring wildly. (new line.)

"Oh man Monstie, I am actually going to get to see Christopher Armstrong again in three days!"
(Good close, but its a little abrupt. I’d like a final action, just to show how excited she is/how she feels when it finally hits her. Maybe she picks up the cat and hugs it?)


Ok so another nitpick down. Once again, great, and I think that this chapter was necessary. Your narrative was quite brief and snappy, so its nice that it slowed down a little here. The one thing I would say is to make the most of this chapter to really show what your character is like. She’s on her own, so really show her as herself. If she’s insecure at all, go into it here. The best way to do this is through description of her thoughts and feelings, which you can do easily since you’re writing in first person. But if you decide to do some more of this, remember to show and not tell to some extent.

Thank you, and keep going. I can’t wait for chapter 4!

M

Ps. Where did the cat’s name come from?

Heya Lovly_audrey! Glad this part came at last!

Critiqually, there isn't much to correct. I guess, only the punctuations are needed to be put into account. So, here they are....

After I got home, I rode the elevator up to my room, which was on the seventh floor, and went inside. My fluffy, charcoal gray cat - I named Monstie - greeted me happily at the door and immediately started yowling for food. ('cause "I named Monstie" seemed to be a parenthetical thought, so use em dash) I sighed; [i]("I sighed" is an independent clause not conjoined with a co-ordinating conjunction; so use semi-colon) even though she was my soul cat, I get the feeling she only likes me for my food at times. ¶ (new thought, so new paragraph)

I filled her dish with some cat nip and went to my bathroom. Every time I turn the lights on here, it hurts my eyes. (the "bathroom" word appeared to be redundant. Try substitutions-pronouns or others. What I put is only an example- a suggestion) I decorated it hot pink and lime green and since I am an aspiring model, I would probably have ten light bulbs around my mirror. (and so what if you have ten light bulbs? Try putting on "and so I needed to rehearse myself at this point" or "and so I needed to be well adapted to this one" something like that) I rubbed my eyes and turned to start the water in my bathtub. I was going to have a celebratory bubble bath tonight.

I turned back [s]around[/s]to face the mirror and the many cabinets under it. I dug through my shower gels until I found the Japanese Cherry Blossom scent. It has been my favorite for years. I put it in the hot water and after a few minutes got in. I was tensed, but the best cure had always been a steamy bubble bath. ¶

I was in the tub for about an hour then got out and put my kashmir bathrobe on. I walked slowly down the hall to my bedroom. (try describing the hall and and the bedroom and trust me, it would be great) When I got there, I had to use all my strength to shove Monstie off of my book, which she was napping on. I was currently reading "A Catcher in the Rye." The book was very good and all, except books effect my emotions in a weird way. If the main character in my book feels depressed all the time, I feel depressed along with that person.

I got dressed in my vintage Spider-Man pajamas and hopped into bed. Monstie glared at me for a moment, but quickly lost interest and went back to sleep. I only got about one chapter read before I followed suit. I was exhausted from all that partying Vanessa and I did earlier because of Christopher.

Christopher... I was going to have to call him tomorrow. Well, probably not him, but I was going to have to make an appointment with one of his secretaries. Then had to see him in person again. This scared me to death, although at the same time excited me so much I could hardly control myself. Somehow, I slept very well that night, however having visions of Christopher dancing through my head.

* * * (you had put a lot of asterisks wherein three spaced asterisks was enough. Three spaced asterisk centered on the note may represent a jump to a different scene or thought)

I was holding his business card on one hand and my cell phone on the other. (I guess you needed to be clear if it was right or left) I was shaking like a loon. I get extremely nervous when I have to call somebody that isn't Vanessa or my mom. I took a deep breath and started dialing.

A snooty sounding lady picked up the phone on the third ring. Well, at least it was what I was expecting. "Christopher Armstrong's office. May I help you?"

My heart sped; I'm really bad at this. "I..Um..yes. I'm Roxy Moon. I met Mr. Armstrong yesterday and he told me to call here and make an appointment." I could actually hear the lady roll her eyes at me and automatically felt like an idiot. She must think I'm just some silly fan girl wannabe.

"Okay Roxy Moon I am scheduling you in for three days from now at four thirty."

I cleared my throat nervously "Okay. Thank you" I said softly right before she hung up.

"Jeez, what a bitch" I thought as I closed my phone and put it back on my coffee table then gently placed the business card on top of it. Just then Monstie jumped on my lap and started purring wildly. "Oh man Monstie, I am actually going to get to see Christopher Armstrong again in three days!"




Okay. I like this part, especially its conclusion... the best so far. The only thing I needed to tell you is that a story need not beat around the bush for so long at the beginning. Overall, you did again a great job. No doubt all your avid fans will be sticking with you till the end...as I.