Three Things(4)

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*Sam's point of view*

Chapter 4—The Garden

It felt like my body had been lifted off of a bed of nails. I was floating, higher and higher, until suddenly I stopped at a large metal gate. It opened, and I floated through.

I gazed around, amazed to see that I had ended up in what looked like a huge garden. There were large trees, heavy with fruit, even though it was the middle of winter, row after row of vegetables, bushes of flowers by the thousand, and a pathway winding around, dividing each type of fruit, vegetable, or flower into different areas.

“Hello, Sam.” The voice that came from behind me sounded like wind rustling through a million treetops.

Startled, I spun around to see a motherly looking woman with kind eyes, hair the color of cornstalks, and a pretty pastel pink dress.

“Hello, Sam,” she repeated in that windy voice of hers, “I’m Theresa.”

My mouth gaped open. “You mean like mother Theresa?”

She laughed. “No, but I was named after her, and we are good friends. Don’t worry. I get that a lot.”

I mumbled something unrecognizable.

“Don’t be shy,” she told me nicely. “I’m here to tell you why you are well, here.”

“Why I’m here?” I repeated numbly.

“Yes. Would you like to know?” Her careful eyes surveyed my face, looking for some flicker of emotion.

“Of course,” I answered, not wanting to be rude.

“Okay, but first lets go somewhere we can talk more easily.”

I started to say yes, but her face changed.

“Oh drat,” she pouted. “Sam, dear?”

“Yes?”

“I need you to do something. Do you mind going to the orange trees and waiting for me there?”

“No, not at all.”

“Good. Now go down that path, and take the second right. Then, take the next left and walk about twenty feet. The orange trees should be on your right, between the apple trees and the grape vines.” She pouted again. “You’d better go.”

I followed her directions and jogged down the path that she had pointed out. She seemed nice enough. Trustworthy, too. But I wondered; What could possibly be bothering her?
I smile, because I'd rather have laugh lines than a perma frown. :)




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I liked it, there was lots of descrption. I didn't see many flaws, but I do think this piece was rather short. And the suspension that suppose to be there at the end just isn't there. It doesn't make you wanna know what's bothering theresa. Maybe describ her demeanor more.

Pm when more is up love.
-Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html




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Im Back!!!
This was amazing, but you know that already so..anyway I didn't catch to many flaws, acually I caught none. :) I want to know what is bothering the lady!!
Jhinx called me old. Rude.




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Becca here and reporting for duty! ^^

Nitpicks;

“Hello, Sam,” she repeated in that windy voice of hers, “I’m Theresa.”

See the comma in bold? It should be a period.

“Don’t be shy,” she told me nicely. “I’m here to tell you why you are well, here.”

Comma before will, but you don't have to.

“Yes. Would you like to know?” Her careful eyes surveyed my face, looking for some flicker of emotion.

This would be a perfect time to say what color eyes she has. ^^ Just telling you.

I started to say yes, but her face changed.

Her face actually physically changed or did the emotion in her face change? Huge difference!

Description;
You had really nice description in the beginning, but in the middle there wasn't so much. You missed a few times where it would be perfect for description! Like when he met Theresa, you could describe her. And I also pointed out another on in the nitpicks.

Oh, and I just thought of something. The part where you put "Something changed in her face." I think you're talking about her facial expressions (nitpicks)? Well, how was her expression before? What was it after? You don't really know what 'change' means until you explain it.

Overall;
I agree with Rascal, the suspension you wanted just wasn't there. Maybe the expression thing? Like she suddenlty got urgent, desperate, or something? I think that would help. Maybe you could put something in there about vibes? Maybe she threw weird glances in a certain direction, at a window, the sky?

This was short, but there has been lots of improvment! Just a few things here and there!
PM me when you post more!

Becca



There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
— W. Somerset Maugham