Devoured

Okay this is a short poem but I thought I'd share it with you all...

This monster must surely be starved.
From me, it continues to carve.
I fall weaker, as it grows stronger.
I can't be expected to last much longer.

I'm reduced to just my shadow.
The fear eats from inside, my body is hollow.
As ravenous as it is seems to be,
the beast has decided to take its time with me.

It slithered into place,
all the while hiding its face.
I was too late in realizing I should fight.
It feels like I was never meant to overcome this plight.

Each bite is utterly vicious;
swallowing all my hopes and wishes.
Slipping further into the belly of fear where I don't belong.
The monster won't stop until I am completely gone.

This monster must surely be starved.

From me, it continues to carve.

You're forcing a rhyme, and not a very good one, no less. It's carving from within you, is it? Carving as in leaving it's mark, or carving like trying to get out? If you're trying to give a message, don't try to force it with a rhyme.

I fall weaker, as it grows stronger.

I can't be expected to last much longer.

Omit the comma. There isn't anything else wrong with this.

I'm reduced to just my shadow.

The fear eats from inside, my body is hollow.

This doesn't rhyme. But it's nice.

As ravenous as it is seems to be,

the beast has decided to take its time with me.

But you just said you are hollow and you've been reduced to your shadow. If it's taking it's time, then you're contradicting yourself, aren't you?

It slithered into place,

all the while hiding its face.

And what place is that?

I was too late in realizing I should fight.

It feels like I was never meant to overcome this plight.

Stop trying to force the rhyme scheme. How can it be too late to realize you're supposed to fight this thing? Isn't that instinctive? And when you said "overcome this plight," it just sounds ridiculous.

Each bite is utterly vicious;

swallowing all my hopes and wishes.

Slipping further into the belly of fear where I don't belong.

The monster won't stop until I am completely gone.

Do you not belong there, or does the monster not belong there?

~*~*~

The thing is, the poem is based and written around a rhyme scheme, not the idea within the poem itself. I can't assume at all what this "beast" is. It could be cancer. It could be envy. It could be madness. It could be absolutely anything. It sounds like you started one line and just went on from there, as if it the lines wouldn't completely matter as long as they rhymed. If you were to actually edit this poem, I would recommend you just scrap it and rewrite it, and you don't rhyme at all. But if you do decide to rhyme, you should read it over. If you have to speed up lines or slow them down, the rhyme isn't working.

Hey Great Escape! I'm Shina and I'll be your reviewer today ;P
Welcome to YWS! I think saw you as "novice" but I may be seeing things wrong *_* Please forgive me if I messed up.

Looks like Socky got all the good points, so I'll settle with something around the same thing to back her up.

The rhyme scheme ate up this whole poem. One look at the first stanza and you can tell that easily. Why would this monster carve from you? Is it leeching off of you? Or is it just taking pieces away slowly? Is that what you mean? Or are you trying to say something else?

I read the next two lines and it looks like you're trying to say it "leeches" off of you, not carves. Like I said, the rhyme scheme is eating this good idea!

Shadow and Hollow do not rhyme.

"As ravenous as it is seems to be,
the beast has decided to take its time with me." This contradicts itself, or repeats. If it's ravenous, surely it would be a beast. It's like saying "Although it's evil, it's going to kill you." Well, kind of.

"I was too late in realizing I should fight.
It feels like I was never meant to overcome this plight." This, once again, contradicts itself. You say you should fight, but then you feel like you shouldn't? That doesn't make sense. And you used plight just to rhyme with fight. *shakes head* Don't do that! You have a good idea, just don't let the rhyme scheme eat you! There's so many different types of poetry. Try free form or something.

The ending leaves many questions unanswered, not in a good way. This poem was too vague and mysterious. We're not sure what you're talking about, like Socky said.

-Shina

GreatEscape wrote:Okay this is a short poem but I thought I'd share it with you all...

This monster must surely be starved.
From me, it continues to carve.
I fall weaker, as it grows stronger.
I can't be expected to last much longer.

I'm reduced to just my shadow.
The fear eats from inside, my body is hollow.
As ravenous as it is seems to be,
the beast has decided to take its time with me.

It slithered into place,
all the while hiding its face.
I was too late in realizing I should fight.
It feels like I was never meant to overcome this plight.

Each bite is utterly vicious;
swallowing all my hopes and wishes.
Slipping further into the belly of fear where I don't belong.
The monster won't stop until I am completely gone.

Hey Flower here.

I like this poem, but like they said the rhyming is kind of forced.

Keep in mind poems don't have to always rhyme. I like to rhyme, but I am not very good at it.

Anyway as for punctuation, there aren't many errors.

All in all I like this, it just needs a little work.

i like this poem and the monster does sound visious