Chocolate

That boy is like chocolate
sweet
but forbidding in his ways
If he spared me a


glance


I think I might
Melt
In his glare
And-With eye's like
Mocca
And a smile so sweet
it hurts
That boy is like chocolate

This is my first piece on YWS-what did you think?

First Impressions

I love the idea of comparing a love interest to chocolate, but you didn't make the metaphor work here. The layout is interesting, but the lack of Poetic Devices makes the words feel flat. The lack of punctuation is not working in the least, even in poetry, correct punctuation is needed. Check out this article to learn how to add punctuation to your poetry to make it work. Really, these two know what they’re talking about.

Content

Like I said before, I love the idea of comparing the boy to chocolate, I would love love love to see you expand on that idea and run with it. Just saying he smiles sweetly isn’t enough here, and I know you could create a really powerful image with it if you tried.

And-With eye's like

Mocca

(minor misspell with the word “mocha” ^^)

I like this comparison a lot; I think it works really really well with the title and the basic idea of the poem. I think if you used images like this throughout, and expanded your initial idea, you’d be in fantastic shape. There is so much potential in this piece, and the initial idea is quite lovely. I want to see you expand it and develop more metaphor, here. Describe the aspects of chocolate and how they relate to him, like in the line “eyes like mocha”. If you could add more imaginary like that, this piece would be superb.

Side Note

The actual set up and design of the poem confuses me, and I don’t see how it relates to the context, perhaps that is just me. I don’t like how the line breaks are set up, it almost feels like you are using them to hide the lack of poetry in the actual poem itself.

Also! If you did not take the picture attachment yourself, it could be considered plagiarism, as by posting it here, you are basically claiming it as your own. If it’s not your picture, I would remove it, it’s not helping your poem, and if you add more imaginary and poetic devices, you won’t need a picture to help get your point across.

Hope this helps!

OverEasy