The Karma Family

The Karma family is a very odd family. Kerry and Sherry have a daughter named Carmen. Why Carmen you ask? Kerry and Sherry felt they were so blessed, they needed to call their newborn"Carmen". That was 40 years ago. The young 20-year-olds turn to decaying 60-year-olds and the little girl with bouncing red curls turns into a 40-year-old with sagging auburn curls. This is is their story.


It was a stormy night in the Karma house. Kerry,Sherry and Carmen were sitting in the parlour drinking tea. Carmen had no kids, so she lived with her parents. Kerry just got back from the dentist, so his mouth was frozen open. "Dear," ,said Sherry,"Your tea is dripping again". Kerry had tea running all down his chin and he didn't even notice it! Carmen quickly got bored so she started knitting for the child that will never come. Carmen also has 89 bonnets, 142 dresses, 19 pairs of socks and twelve jumpers. She started her first scarf.Sherry was sick so she had a ringing in her ear." Dear",she said," could you answer the teleyphone please?" " De telytone ish nod wining eary" he struggled. What he really meant was:"The teleyphone isn't ringing deary". " I can hear it! Don't try to fool me!" she yelled. Since Carmen wasn't really listening she said"Ill get it!". Carmen just got contacts so she couldn't she very well. Although, she did know her parent got a yellow phone. Carmen walked up to the fruit bowl and had a conversation with a banana.

As you can see, this is an odd family! In the next story; does Carmen get pregnant? Do the Karmas move? Do they get their happily ever after? Keep On Reading!!

A very happy welcome to YWS. There is a rule that you have to review two pieces of work before you post one of you own. This is to ensure that every ones work is reviewed. Please Pm with any questions or concerns.
I shall review this any way so make sure you get to reviewin your two other works and if you need something to review you can always pm me I'll direct you to the right place
On with the review ->

The Karma family is a very odd family.

This is a boring and blunt opeing sentence. Use something to show that they are odd. Maybe like: Life is odd when you're forty and living with your sixty year old parents.
Or something along those lines.

The young 20-year-olds turn to decaying 60-year-olds

This is very confusing i had to re-read it a few times to completely understand that you were talking about the parent.s I would suggest re wording this.

and the little girl with bouncing red curls turns into a 40-year-old with sagging auburn curls.

A comma before the and is needed.

It was a stormy night in the Karma house.

Dont you mean at their house? In the sky? Or do you mean with in their home. Like arguing or fighting?

Carmen had no kids, so she lived with her parents.

Does she have to have kids to not live with her parents? I would elaborate on this more.

"Dear," ,said Sherry,"Your tea is dripping again".

A new paragraph is needed when someone is speaking. It makes it easier to identify who and when someone is talking. Plus it makes your story look like one big blob if you dont.

Sherry was sick so she had a ringing in her ear."

What kind of sick?

Dear",she said," could you answer the teleyphone please?"

New paragraph

" De telytone ish nod wining eary" he struggled.

New paragraph

" I can hear it! Don't try to fool me!" she yelled.

New paragraph

Since Carmen wasn't really listening she said"Ill get it!".

New paragraph

Carmen just got contacts so she couldn't she very well.

Silly typo: See not she at the end of the sentence

Although, she did know her parent got a yellow phone.

Silly typo parents not parent

Overall: This is a very strange family but I think there needs to be way more description. Also I think it ended it a weird place. It didn't make the reader want to know more. Even though that what you were getting at with the questions at the end. With a lot of work this could be very interesting story because the plot idea is very orginal.

Please pm when you have posted more

Good work

-Tiffany

Welcome to YWS, Jay! Like Heart said, remember the 2:1 ratio! Post in the Welcome forum to get yourself started.

I'll look aside from the punctuation and other tech errors since I'm a bit in a rush right now, but I'll go over the concept.

This seems like an interesting story you have here, but it's not expressed well. Rather than bein a narrator and telling us everything, show us. Why is a this family odd? I can't see it. You just told the reader a bunch of things and expected us to take it all in. Play it up and make it funner! I hope to see you suceed as a writer, Jay. Remember to space after periods and to do numbers as "one" "five" and so on, unless it's over 100, then it should be written in number.

You seem more like a storyteller, or a script writer. Try writing this in script and I think it'll turn out well. You have a narrator voice ^^

Keep Writing
-Shina