Bloodlust - Chapter Four

** I am no longer using YWS but I'd like to say thank you to everyone who commented on my work and helped me to improve it - you guys are seriously amazing and I love you all. Thank you!! xx **

First review! Thought I ought to return the favour, since you were nice enough to review mine!

As I stood looking at the surrounding forest, a shiver worked its way up my spine and I whipped around, narrowing my eyes to see through the dappled sunlight

I like this, the wording of it is good.

The last vampire I had ever seen was the one that had changed me, and I couldn’t [s]even[/s] remember anything about him – this was the first proper glance that I had got of my own kind.

I think you should leave that out, but it is entirely up to you.

Pretty name.” He startled me by saying the exact same words as the human boy – I’d forgotten his name already, it doesn’t do to be sentimental and remember their names – I killed last night had

I know what your trying to say but I just think the wording is a little awkward and it seems a bit too long, that might just be me though.

I could now see that his eyes were a melting brown, the colour of milk chocolate.

I really like your description of his eyes, it's easy to imagine.

You mean you drink your own blood?” The idea was utterly repulsive to me. How does anyone even come up with that idea, even if it is to survive?
“No!” Jack’s eyes widened in horror, and he too must have been disgusted at the thought of drinking his own blood. “I drink animal’s blood,” he said simply.

I must have a warped sense of humour because this made me giggle a little. I had an image of the disgust on their faces

I really like this, every chapter you do is really good! I hope we get to see more of Jack, I have a feeling I'm gonna like him!
PM when you have the next bit posted.
x

Hi, Lucy! Wow, I can't believe you managed to write this being swamped with the contest. Anyway, I'm excited to read it!

lucyy wrote:
A fat droplet of water dripped onto my nose, waking me up from my sleep amongst the soggy, muddy (I think you can choose one of these and get rid of the other.) leaves. Sitting up, I looked into the thick canopy of leaves above me: the [s]big[/s] hand-sized leaves from the intertwining trees were seemingly protecting me from the worst of the rain, although my tattered, worn-out clothes were still [s]slightly[/s] damp.
[s]As[/s] I stood looking at the surrounding forest. Suddenly, a shiver worked its way up my spine and I whipped around, narrowing my eyes to see through the dappled sunlight. Sunlight affected my vision [s]immensely[/s] strangely– it was like trying to see through broken glass – however, the thick trees and leaves were shading me from most of the sunlight, so my vision wasn’t as distorted as it should be during daytime. I took a step closer towards the unnatural rustle of a bush’s leaves I had heard [s]earlier[/s]; I was sure someone or something was hidden there, watching me[s], which would account for the shiver I had felt[/s].
I pounced suddenly at the bush, and heard a yelp as I landed on a solid form. Looking down, I screamed and backed away (This doesn't seem quick enough, if you know what I mean. It needs to be a faster movement.) from the figure [s]I had leaped at[/s]: he was unmistakeably human, but his features had been twisted out of shape and his mouth pulled into a fixed grotesque smile. I [s]receded[/s] backed slowly away from him, taking in his pale skin, pointed teeth as he opened his mouth and grinned at me and, unmistakeably, his lack of a beating heart.
He was also a vampire.
Freezing where I stood, I stared at him in shock. The last vampire I had ever seen was the one that had changed me, and I couldn’t even remember anything about him – this was the first proper glance that I had got of my own kind.
NP>> And what a ghastly view it was.
“Hi, there.” His voice rang through the forest, deep and clear.
“Hello,” I replied cautiously, taking a step back to match the step he took closer to me. (Okay, this part I think you should get rid of. I mean, think about this logically - or as logically as you can when writing about vampires - if you suddenly pounced on someone so grotesque and frightening as this character, and found out he was exactly - give or take a few deformities - like you, would you be willing to talk with him right away? I wouldn't. I'd cut this part, and go straight on.)
“No need to be afraid,” he said, “I’m the same as you. I promise I don’t bite.” He grinned, his pointed teeth flashing as he met a sunlit gap in the cover of the trees.
“What happened to your face?” I couldn’t hold in the thought any longer, and this was the first living person I’d ever spoken properly to so I wasn’t exactly sure what the correct etiquette of talking to a vampire was. So I thought I’d better just go with the dead obvious.
He chuckled, ostensibly tickled by my bluntness. “Do you not have any disfigurement from your change?” he asked, raising his eyebrows slightly. As he took another step forward, I remained where I stood. Strangely enough, I wanted to get a closer look at the angry red engraves twisting his features, to see if there were any redeeming qualities in his appearance.
“Well, do you?” he repeated. I thought of my mangled waist and nodded slowly. I guess I was lucky that I could hide my mutilation. But who is there to hide it from? I thought, thinking of my lonely existence with no one to speak to except the humans I used for food and occasionally the birds chirping high in the trees.
“There you are, then. You’re just the same as me, but I just can’t hide away what I am.” He shrugged, as though this was no big deal. I envied his flippancy.
“Who are you?” Another blunt question slipped through my lips, amusing him further.
“My name is Jack. And you?” (Oh my gosh! My MC's name is Jack, too! )
“Nina.”
“Pretty name.” He startled me by saying the exact same words as the human boy [s]– I’d forgotten his name already, it doesn’t do to be sentimental and remember their names –[/s] I killed last night had. I’d forgotten his name already; it doesn’t do to be sentimental and remember their names.
I frowned at him and was immediately suspicious. “What are you doing here?”
“You intrigue me,” Jack said, closing the final gap between us. I could now see that his eyes were a melting brown, the colour of milk chocolate. His hair, which was short and unkempt, was a lighter brown colour, contrasting [s]nicely[/s] with his ashen face. “I saw you kill and feed on that human last night without a care in the world, and so openly as well. It’s as though you don’t care who could find you out.”
“That would be because I [s]couldn’t[/s] don't.” I shrugged; nothing could bother me less than have a few humans’ fear of monsters of the dark being intensified. It may even be good for them. “Who cares what humans think?”
“Or feel,” he pointed out. I narrowed my eyes [s]at him[/s]. Was he trying to be funny?
“They don’t experience too much pain, and I never let them become what we are. That’s the best I can do for them.” I paused. “In the circumstances.”
Jack looked at me, his chocolate eyes swimming with questions. “So you think you’re doing them a favour then?” he finally asked.
“Sure. I mean, if you had another choice, would this be it?” I asked, gesturing at the both of us.
“No,” he answered, without missing a beat.
“Exactly, and what’s more—”
“However, I accept it,” Jack continued, his voice firm, but his eyes kind. “This is what we are, no matter if we’d wish it differently.”
“But we’re monsters.” I couldn’t understand how he could accept this, what we are, so confidently - and what’s more - so positively.
“I am what I am,” he said simply. “And I wouldn’t class myself as a monster, either. You see, I don’t go around killing humans like it’s my day job.”
I growled at that. “I don’t have any other choice. How else can I survive? You must have to drink human blood too, otherwise you wouldn’t be stood here having this conversation with me.”
“Human blood isn’t the only blood out there.” Jack looked around the forest, as though bored on the topic of conversation, before settling his gaze back to me.
“You mean you drink your own blood?” The idea was utterly repulsive to me. How does anyone even come up with that idea, even if it is to survive?
“No!” Jack’s eyes widened in horror, and he too must have been disgusted at the thought of drinking his own blood. “I drink animal’s blood,” he said simply.

Great job, Luce! I'm really into it. And I don't think the animal's blood thing is overused. I mean, it's either humans (ew) or animals (not-so-ew) and even though it's not original, it's not cliche. Yet. And I still like that we both have protagonists that are named Jack! Anyway, keep it up!

xoxo
~Sunny

I really just skimmed through this, so I didn't have time to look for errors, but this is good. I can't wait for the next chapter!

The only reason drinking animal's blood is overused is because it's practical. :P No complaints to be had from me on that matter.

A fat droplet of water dripped onto my nose, waking me [s]up[/s] from my sleep amongst the soggy, muddy leaves.

Dripped is such a bland verb. Try spicing it up a bit like "landed with a wet splat" or something like that. :D Also, I don't much like amongst. It feels a bit too archaic and out of place - forced, if you will.

Sitting up, I looked into the thick canopy of leaves above me: the big/,/ hand-sized leaves [s]from[/s] of the intertwining trees [s]were seemingly protecting[/s] had protected me from the worst of the rain, although my tattered, worn-out clothes were still slightly damp.

If her clothes are only slightly damp, then the tree leaves are definitely protecting her from the worst of the rain. Also, watch the verb tenses. :P

As I stood looking at the surrounding forest, a shiver worked its way up my spine/./ [s]and[/s] I whipped around, narrowing my eyes to see through the dappled sunlight. The sunlight affected my vision immensely – it was like trying to see through broken glass – however, the thick [s]trees[/s] branches and leaves [s]were shading me from[/s] blotted out most of the [s]sun[/s]light, so my vision wasn’t as distorted as it [s]should be during daytime[/s] would be in direct sunlight.

Shorter sentences create an air of tension. Same goes for concision. Also, trees do not hang overhead. :P

I took a step closer towards the unnatural rustle of a bush’s leaves I had heard earlier; I was sure someone or something was hidden there, watching me, which would account for the shiver I had felt.

This sentence just feels awkward. I suggest trying to rephrase it more concisely.

I pounced [s]suddenly[/s] at the bush[s],[/s] and heard a yelp as I landed on a solid form.

The verb "pounce" implies suddenness, so the adverb is unnecessary. Also, you only use a comma before "and" if the clause following the "and" is independent (has its own subject and verb) or you are listing things.

Looking down, I screamed and backed away from the figure I had leaped at: he was unmistakeably human, but his features had been twisted out of shape and his mouth pulled into a fixed/,/ grotesque smile. I [s]receded[/s] backed slowly away from him, taking in his pale skin, pointed teeth as he opened his mouth and grinned at me and, unmistakeably, his lack of a beating heart.

"Receded" doesn't feel like the right word to use in this case. Also, I think the sentence would read better rearranged slightly like, "As I backed slowly away from him, I took in the pale skin, the pointed teeth revealed when he grinned at me, and, unmistakably, the lack of a beating heart."

He was also a vampire.

Nicely placed for added drama. :D

Freezing where I stood, I stared at him in shock. The last vampire I had ever seen was the one that had changed me, and I couldn’t even remember anything about him – this was the first proper glance that I had got/ten/ of my own kind. And what a ghastly view it was.

I don't think the last fragment should be a fragment. It feels choppy separated as it is.

“What happened to your face?” I couldn’t hold in the thought any longer, and this was the first living person I’d ever spoken properly to so I wasn’t exactly sure what the correct etiquette of talking to a vampire was. So I thought I’d better just go with the dead obvious.

This made me giggle.

Strangely enough, I wanted to get a closer look at the angry red [s]engraves[/s] scars twisting his features, to see if there were any redeeming qualities in his appearance.

"Engraves" is not a noun.

But who is there to hide it from? I thought, thinking of my lonely existence with no one to speak to except the humans I used for food and occasionally the birds chirping high in the trees.

I feel this sentence could be trimmed down a bit.

“Pretty name.” He startled me by saying the exact same words as the human boy – I’d forgotten his name already, it doesn’t do to be sentimental and remember their names – I killed last night had.

200397 made a good suggestion.

“That would be because I [s]couldn’t[/s] don't.” I shrugged; nothing could bother me less than have a few humans’ fear of monsters of the dark being intensified.

I think it works better rephrased as "...as if intensifying a few humans' fear of monsters would bother me."

“Sure. I mean, if you had another choice, would this be it/?/” I asked, gesturing at the both of us.

“But we’re monsters.” I couldn’t understand how he could accept [s]this,[/s] what we are[s],[/s] so confidently, and/,/ what’s more, so positively.

Jack looked around the forest, as though bored [s]on[/s] with the current topic of conversation, before settling his gaze back to me.
“You mean you drink your own blood?” The idea was utterly repulsive to me. How [s]does[/s] did anyone even come up with that idea, even if it [s]is[/s] was to survive?

I cracked up at this. XD

“No!” Jack’s eyes widened in horror, and he too must have been disgusted at the thought of drinking his own blood. “I drink animal’s blood,” he said simply.

...and then? This chapter ends too abruptly, namely because it's cut off right in the middle of their amusing-interesting conversation. At least complete the conversation or end the chapter at a natural pause in it. If the drinking animals' blood is the big pause in the conversation, nix the tag at the end and leave it as just Jack's statement. The tag sends off the vibe that something will happen immediately afterward.

Overall, though, interesting chapter, and I enjoyed learning a bit more about vampires. :3

Hey, Jas here. No time for chit chat. On to the review...

which would account for the shiver I had felt.

I dont feel that this bit is really needed. It's like a conclusion sentence to a research paper. But this is a story, therefore, unnessesary.

I screamed and backed away from the figure I had leaped at:

Scream? Really? Vampires dont usually scream. It just doesnt fit. back away, maybe. Tilt head in confusion, most defnitly. But scream, not so much. Also, the : at the end bit there. I hate those in stories. They are just icky. Is there any way you can reword to get rid of it? Make two sentences instead of one really...really, long one?

He was also a vampire.

Major question mark??? He was unmistakably human just moments before. Meh?

the dead obvious.

Heh, pun.

His hair, which was short and unkempt,

I think you mean unkept?

“That would be because I couldn’t.”

This doesnt make sense. "couldnt" wouldnt be the proper word. 'because i dont have a care...'

“Sure. I mean, if you had another choice, would this be it,”

Why is she explaining herself to him? Wouldnt she have conflicting thoughts about inviting this total stranger into her life. Not to mention the fact that for dominance reasons, vampires instincts are telling them to kill each other. She has no inner conflict? Strange.

otherwise you wouldn’t be stood here having this conversation with me.”

'...wouldnt be standing there...'


---

I like the vision in the day light description. Very original and creative. Much vampire writing today is no longer original. Everything is over done and cliche.
Other than what's said above, i didnt find any other real problems with this. Plot twist, very nice. We are getting a move on with this story, awesome. Pm me definitly when you post the next part. This is a very intriguing and original story so far, i would love to continue reading it.

Okay, so...I think I said this in the attatchment, but I reread the story since I scanned the first time. Let me just say, I envy your writing. I really do. I'm patiently awaiting the next part of this. So as we agreed...LET ME KNOW WHEN IT'S POSTED. lol. =)

Thank you so much all of you for your amazing reviews!! Now, I know this ended a bit abruptly, so I'm working on a more suitable (and non-abrupt ) ending to the chapter, which I should hopefully have posted soon. Thank you so much for all your support and great reviews - you all keep me writing!! Well, that and my characters, they can be quite persuasive *nods seriously* =D.
--Lucyy xx

This was really good! I couldn't really find anything wrong with it. I like how you word your sentences, like this for example; “I hate what I am – what we are – so why do I carry on contradicting with that by keeping myself alive?” It shows what your main character is really feeling and what she is thinking. Overall, I really liked this PM me when you wite more!

The only thing I can say is this was good. I enjoyed hearing more about Jack, and so far I'm liking him a lot. =)

I can't wait for chapter five. =)

You added in more Jack, I'm now very, very happy

“Exactly. And I care on whether I’ve hurt those feelings or not.”

He is so sweet, I hope he does turn out to be horrible!
The changes you made have only made it better (which I didn't think was possible)
Pm me when you have the next bit posted!
x

Hey there Lucy . I'm back and with a dreamwalker review for you! XD.

Okay so, as always, I will start with my nit-pick.

Nit-Pick

A fat droplet of water splattered onto my nose, waking me up from my sleep in the soggy leaves.

Careful of the imagery used in this bit. When I heard the 'in the soggy leaves' I thought of a fairy sleeping on a leaf. Maybe add fallen in between soggy and leaves.

Looking down, I screamed and lurched away from the figure: he was unmistakeably human, but his features had been twisted out of shape and his mouth pulled into a fixed, grotesque smile by thick, red scars.

There are too many semicolons in this so far. Try cutting down on some of them because they get terribly repetitive. Also, sounds kind of like the joker XD.

I backed slowly away from him, taking in his pale skin, pointed teeth as he opened his mouth and grinned at me and, unmistakeably, his lack of a beating heart.

This feels too long and run on. It also gets a little confusing. Maybe split this up a bit.

Ex. I back away slowly away from him, taking in his pale skin and pointed teeth as he opened his mouth and grinned at me. Also there was the unmistakeable fact that there was lack of a beating heart within his breast.

That way it makes it a little easier to comprehend what you were trying to get across.

I just looked at him cautiously, taking a step back to match the step he took closer to me.

I think the smartest thing to do in this situation would be to put the fact that he stepped closer to her before she stepped away.

ex. He stepped towards me and I stepped back, matching his movements.

I couldn’t hold in the thought any longer, and this was the first living person I’d ever spoken properly to so I wasn’t exactly sure what the correct etiquette of talking to a vampire was.

This is kind of an obvious statement. We already understand that she is a vampire and that she isn't exactly skilled in proper etiquette just because thats normally the steriotype of a teenage vampire. Also, in saying it like that, we get the image so there isn't a need to overexplain it. Just leave it as is. No need to give a reason.

I thought, thinking of my lonely existence with no one to speak to except the humans I used for food and occasionally the birds chirping high in the trees.

Again it feels as if your overexplaining things that are self explanitory. You dont have to give so many reasonings behind why your character does the things she does. We catch on. Readers are very smart.

I’d forgotten his name already; it doesn’t do to be sentimental and remember their names

There should be a period at the end of this sentence.

“I am what I am,” he said simply. “And I wouldn’t class myself as a monster, either.

The period behind 'simply' can be a comma and the a uncapitalized. It's a running sentence so it doesn't need to be stopped.

After announcing his diet of animal blood, I didn’t believe him – the idea was totally absurd and not to mention weird.

I won't question the origionality in this statement although it had a twilight feel. Even still, your characters are much different then the twilight ones so I wont classify you in that catagory.

Jack regarded my reaction to the blood, amusement dancing in his chocolate eyes.

The 'chocolate eyes' is starting to get a little repetitive throughout this piece. Try using different words maybe to describe his eyes.

He shrugged, “that’s all that matters, right?”

This should have been a full stop. Change the comma to a period and capitalize the first letter of 'That's'.

It was somewhat a relief to voice those thoughts which are constantly whirling through my mind.

This jumps tenses. It goes from past with 'was' and such to present with 'which'.

Ex. It was somewhat a relief to voice those thoughts that had constantly whirled throughout my mind.

Well, each to their own.

The actual term for this is 'To each their own' but if you wish to keep it the way you have it then thats fine .

Grammar/Puncuation

Okay so you had no grammar issues, that I saw. A few punctuations errors here and there but nothing really that I would be worried about. Your language is very beautiful though and I much admire your vocabulary. It's nice to see a writer using such wonderful words . Very good.

Setting and Description

You overdescribed a bit on her reasons for doing things and there wasn't much that I saw on the description of the setting nor was there much description at all. The best I saw in this was the description of Jack which was marvellous. Try adding more into the setting and other things like what jack was wearing, maybe, or anything like that. I would be much interested to learn more about this place in which your character lives.

Plot

The plot is starting to shine through! I'm so excited about that! This Jack character seemed terribly suspicious to me in the beginning but now I'm extremely enthralled with the idea of him. He seems like a complete sweety even if he isn't Edward Cullen beautiful. Very interesting concept in this character and I'm much excited to learn more about him. The plot is moving now, which is good and it's leaving me quite excited for more .

Character Developement

So we learn of another side of Nina which I didn't know from before. She seemed so fierceless and painless when she killed without remorse, and she seemed so dark and twisted but now we see the more human side of her. The side that made her walk away. Very interesting indeed. The character Jack though is also very interesting. He seems to be the eternal optimist even though his face was terribly mangled in the transformation. He just seems like a loveable guy. Very interesting and good character developement. I'm starting to find a fondness for your characters .

Overall

Interesting and exciting. Something about this piece is very refreshing to me because it's such an interesting spin on the vampire world. The idea of staring through glass when in the sun and being mangled by the transformation are both very interesting takes in which I enjoy quite a lot. Although there are a few things you need to work you, this is a great piece and I thoroughly enjoyed it . Good job and keep up the good work!

Pm me, as always, when the next chapter is up!

From Dreams to Reality
~The.Dreamwalker