Three Things(3)

*Candy's point of view again*

Chapter 3—Blood

I must have blacked out, because the next thing I knew, I was lying on the sidewalk.

There was blood stuck to my pale face and globs of it in my usually soft, wavy brown hair. A stressed looking woman in purple scrubs was kneeling near my chest, and a tall man with dark eyes was barking instructions to her, while a flustered lady in a blood stained blouse handed him tools.

When I groaned and attempted to sit up, another, younger doctor hurried over and quickly retrained me. “Don’t even think about moving, missy. You’re in enough trouble already.”

As if his words were a signal, two police officers walked up and started asking questions. “Miss Lissy? Are you aware that you were drinking, which as a minor, puts you in violation of state law?” They didn’t even pause, just kept firing at me. “Are you also aware, then, that you got into a vehicle while drunk, which is against the law as well? We thought so. What you aren’t aware of, however, is the damage you have caused, to yourself and the other driver.”

The other officer took over now, piercing my flesh with his razor sharp green eyes. “Mam, you are in a critical condition. Chances are, you’re going to die soon. However, you aren’t nearly as bad off as the man that was driving the other car. His name was Sam Mathews. I am sorry to say, Mr. Mathews is no longer with us. Do you know why that is? Because you killed him.”

I stared at him, the harsh words slowly sinking in. He must’ve thought I was stupid, because next he showed me his badge and told me slowly, “Even if you do survive, you’ll be going to jail. For life.”

Just as my breath caught in my throat, the tall doctor looked up and asked calmly, “Could you please refrain from upsetting my patient? It would help her condition if you left.”

I didn’t get to find out if they did what he requested, though, because just then, a spasm of coughing wracked my entire body, sending me into a spiral of blackness from which I had no hope of return.


“I contacted her mother. She should be here in a matter of minutes.” An older woman with hair so red it was orange was addressing the tall doctor with concentrated eyes the color of hot chocolate.

“No,” I wanted to scream, “don’t tell her! She has a weak stomach! She doesn’t need to come here! Not her!” But it came out as a choked gurgle, and I ended up getting blood stuck in my throat. I knew not to try to get up again, so I just laid there to wait.

Suddenly, I heard a voice I recognized. Jared was here. The stupid drunk bastard had tried to follow me! I hoped he got caught by one of those awful policemen that had been yelling at me earlier for underage drinking. I hoped they threw him in jail and took his keys. I hoped…

I had a few choice words to say to him, but the blood that was currently strangling me kept my lips sealed.

And then I saw her The bitch who had broken Jared and me up was pulling up in a little blue Volkswagen Bug.

Blondie got out and stared at me for a second. Then, when she figured out that I was watching her, she smirked and strutted over to where Jared was pulling out his curly black hair. She pulled one away and slipped it through hers. He looked surprised at first, but his expression filled with understanding when she whispered something in his ear. Then the two of them rushed away together and drove off in the Bug.

My rage at Blondie was interrupted by someone gently stroking my hair. I glanced around and found my mom’s beautiful brown eyes staring back at me. My dad was sitting next to her, holding her slender hand in his gorilla-like one.

I knew what I needed my last words to be.

Without wasting even a second of time, I coughed up the majority of the blood in my throat and dribbled it out the side of my mouth. Then I summoned up all of my strength and said, “I love you.”

My parents’ smiles looked foreign on their teary, forlorn faces. “We love you too.”

And then I gave up my fight for life. It was over. I was dead.

Hi youreit! I'm June, your critic for the moment and I am going to run over this for you.


So, to begin, I did not find your story terribly written. As far as grammar, sentence structure and the likes go, I found it pretty well written. However, the story is what concerns me. I'll jump straight to the point:

This is a car accident scene. So, I don't know the best way to say this without sounding terribly harsh, but here goes:

There was blood stuck to my pale face and globs of it in my usually soft, wavy brown hair. A stressed looking woman in purple scrubs was kneeling near my chest, and a tall man with dark eyes was barking instructions to her, while a flustered lady in a blood stained blouse handed him tools.

Not many people have been witnesses to car accidents, so it's tricky to write about them. But, see, the problem with this is, a paramedic would usually attend to a car accident scene-- not a person in scrubs. They usually dress in dark uniforms, which can vary according to location and such.

I also do not understand the part about the tools. They wouldn't possibly be operating on this victim on the sidewalk, would they?

As if his words were a signal, two police officers walked up and started asking questions. “Miss Lissy? Are you aware that you were drinking, which as a minor, puts you in violation of state law?” They didn’t even pause, just kept firing at me. “Are you also aware, then, that you got into a vehicle while drunk, which is against the law as well? We thought so. What you aren’t aware of, however, is the damage you have caused, to yourself and the other driver.”

The other officer took over now, piercing my flesh with his razor sharp green eyes. “Mam, you are in a critical condition. Chances are, you’re going to die soon. However, you aren’t nearly as bad off as the man that was driving the other car. His name was Sam Mathews. I am sorry to say, Mr. Mathews is no longer with us. Do you know why that is? Because you killed him.”

I stared at him, the harsh words slowly sinking in. He must’ve thought I was stupid, because next he showed me his badge and told me slowly, “Even if you do survive, you’ll be going to jail. For life.”

At a crime scene, the officers would never drop the news this suddenly unless the victim/criminal was in a stable condition. Usually, the officers would take note of the scene, recording any details and such. That's their main purpose at a crime scene; the interrogation does not begin until the patient is either in a hospital recovering in a somewhat stable condition or until the patient has recovered.

There is also no evidence that she intentionally killed this person. Sure she's DUI, but they have to investigate further, ask her for reasoning and such before they sentence her for life. A life sentence would also require a court meeting further along the line. Nevertheless, I doubt that they would send her to prison for life-- 25 years is a bit extreme even, but none of this could be decided without a judge in the picture.


Even if they hate the people involved, it's policy to treat them with as much care and kindness as possible.

And then I saw herCOMMA The bitch who had broken Jared and [s]me[/s] I(; not me) up COMMAwas pulling up in a little blue Volkswagen Bug.

Blondie got out and stared at me for a second. Then, when she figured out that I was watching her, she smirked and strutted over to where Jared was pulling out his curly black hair. She pulled one away and slipped it through hers. He looked surprised at first, but his expression filled with understanding when she whispered something in his ear. Then the two of them rushed away together and drove off in the Bug.

This doesn't quite make sense!

So, first, watch your capitalization, dear-- no need for the T in the to be capitalized.


You call her a bitch, and then you go to Blondie. I think you should stick with one nickname for her at this point .

Specify what you mean when you say "she pulled one away". What did she pull? Hands? Hair? Feet?

Also, this does not quite seem realistic. Why would they even bother coming? At a typical accident scene, the area would be marked off by flares and/or caution tape. Most people-- even if they are relatives would not be allowed to come close to the victims.







- - -

I think you have an interesting idea here, but I would definitely suggest doing supporting research while you write. I mean that in the most positive way as possible, dear.


Keep writing! If I was too harsh, or if you have any questions, let me know.


June

Hi there again.

Looks like June got the gist of it.

There's a few things, though:

When I groaned and attempted to sit up, another, younger doctor hurried over and quickly retrained restrained me. “Don’t even think about moving, missy. You’re in enough trouble already.”

First by saying 'another doctor' is assumes that there are more than one, which clearly, you do not say. Therefore, it stops the flow of the story and the reader may feel like the miss something and have to reread, and confuse them.

I'm pretty sure a doctor would sound more reassuring and calming than that. Also, restrained sounds like a harsh word to use especially during a time like this. Plus, if she's injured, it's not like she's going to put up a huge fight. And after a crash like that, I'm sure she's not even going to have the energy.

It seems unlikely a doctor would say "your in enough trouble already." Because trouble means many different things. I feel like the doctor is worrying about her trouble with the law, where he should be more concerned about her health and physical state. I don't think it's any of the doctor's business to know how much trouble she is in with the law.

Suddenly, I heard a voice I recognized. Jared was here. The stupid drunk bastard had tried to follow me! I hoped he got caught by one of those awful policemen that had been yelling at me earlier for underage drinking. I hoped they threw him in jail and took his keys. I hoped…

She seems to have a lot of energy for just getting into a car crash. She's gotta be injured? Vision fading in and out, going black and fuzzy around the edges? Sharp pains anywhere?

There has to be something! Plus, she seems kind of focused and not dazed. I'm sure you would be dazed after getting into a car crash and the last thing you would be thinking about was how much you hate your ex.

And then I gave up my fight for life. It was over. I was dead.

This is kind of blunt and out there. Like walking up to somebody and going, "I'm dead." I mean, obviously you can't say "I was dead" Because if you're dead, you can't say you're dead. That would be kind of difficult. You're kind of showing and not telling. By that I mean, you're telling us she's dead. Is she going numb? Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel? Obviously, there must be a struggle! You never said anything about a struggle.

Overall;
It seems like you made two cars crash together, threw in some police cars, a few doctors, a few loved ones and hated ones and the ... walla! A scene! You have a great idea here, but you need to add more feeling; what hurt (physically and mentally), what did she feel?

I agree with June about the police part. I'm not sure because I've never been in a scene like this but probably the police would take notes (as June said) and let the doctors take her to the hospital. I bet by the time the last sentence of this chapter, she would have been at the hospital, getting treated. That is, if it went that way.

Sorry if it was to harsh, please PM me if it was or if you have any questions what so ever. Don't be afraid to ask.

Good luck and keep writing!
Becca

The two reviewers above me have pretty much done the whole critque. As a reader I have to tell you this all went a little too fast. Normally her family wouldn't have been there and a doctor wouldn't have come with the ambulance, a parmedic would have. the police wouldn't have told her that information unless she was in a hospital in stable condition, and they would not have treated her that way because it's their job to be polite. They don't have to like her. so maybe you could insert their thoughts by putting what they are thinking in italics
I think with alot of work this will be a good addition to your story.

Pm when you have more up

-Tiffany

Hi there.

I won't be critiquing your writing style, because it's fine as far as I can tell. Instead hopefully I can help you understand the procedure they go through when there's a car accident.

Okay, so I haven't been to a real car crash. But I have been to a re-enactment with my school. This is how it went.

Firstly, the medical personell evaluted the condition of those involved in the crash, so they could prioritise.

Meanwhile firemen would get people out of cars. This was much more involved than you might think, because they had to do it in a way that the victim wouldn't have to move which could injure them further. Seing as you don't have any live victims trapped inside cars this isn't that important.

The medical staff would administer any first aid that was needed immediately (painkillers, bandages etc.) The firemen would then lift the patient onto a stretcher and the paramedics would put them in the ambulance and go to the hospital for further treatment. They wouldn't be using tools on the spot.

All the while, the policemen interview witnesses. They don't make any contact with the victims unless they aren't in a critical condition and are waiting for the ones in critical conditions to be taken away.

At the site, the only priority is the victim's survival. They don't place blames or accusations at this stage. Once everyone's in a stable condition, then the police can intervene.

Also, police can't give sentences. You had a policeman telling her she'd get life imprisonment. That's for the court to decide, not the police.

So... Police and paramedics are highly proffessional. Not "stressed looking women in purple scrubs." The police and medics work as a team, so having a doctor say this:

“Could you please refrain from upsetting my patient? It would help her condition if you left.”

To a policeman, is highly unrealistic. And having the policeman provoke this response is even worse.

Research is critical for this type of situation. I hope my knowledge will help you.

Hey youreit =]

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you.

So... It seems that the reviewers above have pointed out everything that I would have said, so all that's left for me to give you is my overall opinion.

I have to agree with the other reviewers in that I think this moved way too fast.

There was blood stuck to my pale face and globs of it in my usually soft, wavy brown hair. A stressed looking woman in purple scrubs was kneeling near my chest, and a tall man with dark eyes was barking instructions to her, while a flustered lady in a blood stained blouse handed him tools.

I think here, you could add some more detail and emotions in. I know that if this were me, then I'd be completely panicking. The best way to understand what emotions your character is feeling, is to put yourself in their shoes.

I think the main thing missing in this piece is the emotion. If your character doesn't have emotion, then it's hard as a reader to sympathise/ feel for your character. It also makes them seem a lot less realistic.

I really agree with doodle:] when she said;

She seems to have a lot of energy for just getting into a car crash. She's gotta be injured? Vision fading in and out, going black and fuzzy around the edges? Sharp pains anywhere?

Realistically, I don't think that your character would be that aware of what's going on. She would probably be feeling confused and dazed as well as being in pain. It would add to the scene if you added in a little of how Candy was feeling. Did her leg feel broken? Could she see a patch of blood seeping through the fabric of her jeans? etc...

Overall though, I think you have a great idea for a story here, and with a little work, you could have a great piece

I hope I've been of some help to you!

xDudettex =]

Hi Hi I'm Back!
OK so the above reviewers have done a pretty good job of getting the grammer and researching things. Hm i would suggest that you take there advice. I love the way the stories going, but add feeling. I have been in an accident and even though no one was hurt the paramedics had to look over all the "victims" and the police had to ask questions but the police waited until the paramedics gave the go ahead. Why don't you have her loose her sight for a couple seconds or something.
Over all the idea is great is there more???