I was bored...

The night closed down on us, as I felt his cool breath down
my neck. It was an exhilarating feeling, and I couldn't shake
it away. I could not think straight, my senses were clouded,
as I took in his intoxicating scent. Right or Wrong did not
matter tonight. Tomorrow did not exist, it was now, and later
was not a worry.

"Irresistable." He whispered as he kissed my throat, and
ripped the crucifix from my neck. I did not find it strange,
he was so very different, so amazing... and I had only known
him for two days.
"Will you come away, come away with me no matter where?" He
whispered in my ear,sending shivers of pleasure down my spine.
"Anywhere, I would follow you to the end of the world." I
said, and I knew I meant it.
"To hell, as well?" He asked, jokingly.
"Anywhere." I said, as I kissed his lips and felt my whole
heart fill with a kind of pleasure that never existed.
He kissed me one last time, and everything in front of me
went black. I didn't know at that time, that someone so
much like an angel was really a demon in disguise.

Ok, so I thought I would do a critique on this...

Although, I found nearly NO mistakes...

(My critique is in BOLD within the quote.)

stelagineva wrote:The night closed down on us, as I felt his cool breath down
my neck. It was an exhilarating feeling, and I couldn't shake
it away. I could not think straight, my senses were clouded,
as I took in his intoxicating scent. Right or Wrong<this should be "Right or wrong" did not
matter tonight. Tomorrow did not exist, it was now, and later
was not a worry.

"Irresistable." He whispered as he kissed my throat, and
ripped the crucifix from my neck. I did not find it strange,
he was so very different, so amazing... and I had only known
him for two days.
"Will you come away, come away with me no matter where?" He
whispered in my ear,sending shivers of pleasure down my spine.
"Anywhere, I would follow you to the end of the world." I
said, and I knew I meant it.
"To hell, as well?" He asked, jokingly.
"Anywhere." I said, as I kissed his lips and felt my whole
heart fill with a kind of pleasure that never existed.
He kissed me one last time, and everything in front of me
went black. I didn't know at that time, that someone so
much like an angel was really a demon in disguise.

I thought this was an excellent read. At the end, 'was really a demon in diguise', I was wanting more. I wanted to know where he took her... Some sort of 'demon land'?

Even though you wrote this when you were bored, I loved it and I really think you should continue to write this as a Novel. I think it would be a hit.

Keep up the good work - well done.

stelagineva wrote:The night closed down on us, I feel like the comma is unnecessary. as I felt his cool breath down
my neck. It was an exhilarating feeling, Again, unnecessary comma. and I couldn't shake
it away. I could not think straight, my senses were clouded,
as I took in his intoxicating scent. Right or Wrong did not
matter tonight. Tomorrow did not exist, I think a semicolon is more suitable here. it was now, and later
was not a worry.

"Irresistible," he whispered as he kissed my throat and
ripped the crucifix from my neck. I did not find it strange,
he was so very different, so amazing... and I had only known
him for two days.
"Will you come away, come away with me, no matter where?" He
whispered in my ear,sending shivers of pleasure down my spine.
"Anywhere, I would follow you to the end of the world." I
said, and I knew I meant it.
"To hell, as well?" He asked, jokingly.
"Anywhere." I said, no comma as I kissed his lips and felt my whole
heart fill with a kind of pleasure that never existed.
He kissed me one last time, and everything in front of me
went black. I didn't know at that time, that someone so
much like an angel was really a demon in disguise. I really like the final line, it's almost like a couplet with the assonance you use. It's a very good way to end the piece

I like what you have here, although I do feel like it's a bit short and doesn't give enough insight into the characters. It's obvious the main character is quite infatuated with him. Maybe you can describe just a little more. I'd like to know where they are, mayebe what they look like. Is she young and naive? Is he suave and debonair? If you plan on continuing it, I encourage you to do so. This definitely makes the reader question what happens next. If you leave it as is, well, you're like me: a tease

In any case, nice work! Best of luck,
octo

Thanks people! Your crits were really helpful! May be, I will continue it, although I don't really know what happens next, because I just randomly wrote it, I'll try and figure it out, though.

I liked this. It was short and sweet. I don't think there needs to be any more, but of course that's just my opinion.

I do think that you could describe a little bit more, but there's a certain distance that you kept between the characters and the reader, and it gave it a really great feel. Try not to take that away, because it's what made this piece so special to me.

"To hell, as well?" He asked, jokingly.

Although I understand where you're coming from with this sentence, it broke the spell you had me in while reading this. I would change it to something like,

"Even to the darkest spots in the universe?"

Just my opinion, of course, and feel free to ignore me.

There a few grammar mistakes that won't be too difficult to fix up.

Great story! If you do write more, let me know, but I do feel this is perfect on it's own.

Hello! This piece was very. . .interesting. It was a little bit choppy though, and it could have a bit more detail. but other than that, it was really good! I know it probably isn't supposed to be continued, but if you were to continue I think you could have a really great story on your hands. TTYL. x