Big City Life (2)

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Hi. Please critic. It will be more eventful soon I promise!

here goes.




We ran in all different directions. I wondered who the man was. He looked angry as he chased us. Very very angry actually. We went past several different shops and buildings. I was beginning to see colours. Adrenaline pulsed through my veins.

Eventually, we came to a stop in behind a building. It would be quite a complicated street to find us on.

"Who was that?" I demanded breathlessly. I ran a hand through my wind blown hair. This day was so random.

"My dad." She sighed. By the sound of her voice, she was terribly shaken.


"Your Dad? Well, what's his problem? Why the hell was he chasing you?" I asked, barely giving her time to answer. I wondered if I sounded rude, but she owed me an explanation.


"He's sort of a control freak. A bit...violent you know?" Her hair tangled in her face. For the first time in God knows how long, I actually felt. The poor girl. She was in my year, must have only been fourteen years old. Same age as me. Having to deal with a dad like that? How difficult it must be. But I'd put up with worse all my life.


"You can't go back with him", I said as if it wasn't obvious already.


"I wasn't with him, I live with my mum", she said, heavily.


"Oh, But .....?" I said. It made no sense to me at all.



"He's an idiot, a waster OK?" She was getting a little impatient. Wow. No wonder she had an attitude problem. I would.


"Right, yeah. Sorry."

"Come on lets go for lunch. I'll pay." She offered.

"Eh, you sure?" I said. I didn't like using other people's money. Ever.

"Yeah Yeah." She said calmly.

We entered the Cafe Nero on Martin's Street. We sat in a booth in the back. She ordered diet coke and salad, I ordered coke and chips.

"You on a diet or something?" I asked

"No I'm diabetic alright?"

"Oh." I said.

After a while of pointless conversation about the weather we moved on.

"So, we're like mates now yeah?" She said. She seemed incredable comfortable with saying it. I had no idea what to say.

"Uh, yeah I guess we are." I replied. I liked the idea of being friends with her. She was...cool. I didn't have much friends, other than Decko.

"Sure," she said. "Mates."
Last edited by SakuraFallsSweetly♥ on Mon Jun 08, 2009 6:05 pm, edited 5 times in total.
The only true failure, is when you give up. ♥




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 36
We ran in all different directions. I wondered who the man was. He looked angry as he chased us. Very very angry actually. We went past several different shops and buildings. I was beginning to see colours. Adrenaline pulsed through my veins.

The first paragraph is really choppy due to short sentences. Maybe you could add more or join some of the sentences together to fix that.

Nitpicks:
Her hair tangled in her face

Change on to in.

"He's an idiot, a waster OK? She was getting a little impatient.

There is a missing quotation here.

Yeah Yeah

The second yeah shouldn't be capitalized and there should be a comma in between the two.

She seemed incredible comfortable with saying it

Incredible should be incredibly.

Overall good but I think maybe you should have expanded a little on the relationship between the girl and her father. How exactly is he violent? Some more details would have been nice here. Looking forward to the next installment!



Life's short; smile while you still have teeth.
— Tuesday